What Next?

[gma]

Well, I'm new to this forum or any forum, but probably not unlike many of you, I'm here because I'm desperate to talk with other parents who may have dealt with some of the same issues.
My 19 yr daughter has been battling bi-polar, severe depression, co-dependency, etc since 14, at which time she attempted suicide and has done so 4 times that we are aware of and had her hospitalized for. Shortly after diagnosis she began to self medicate with weed. We battled that continuously. About a year ago, huge spiral down and new drugs. Last 4 months in residential and out patient away from home. Prior to the program she lived with "new friends" and "boyfriend" and we had to refuse letting her come home until she went into a program. She was finally done and went willingly. Well it only took a couple of weeks before relapse and talking with "old-new friends". She soon was back off all medications and sleeping on the street. She is very suicidal but knows enough of what to say and not to say that they will not take her in as a danger to herself. We took her back in (our home) 4 days ago and just tried to love her and help her love herself enough to get back in the hospital. Last night she left and didnt come back home. She 'used' and based on past behavior she'll be gone two or three days and then we'll hear from her. She has never been violent, angry, stolen from us or any legal trouble (yet). She claims to be remorseful and hates herself for what she's done and doing to herself and her family and just wants to die, but won't let us get her help.
So here we are, she cannot expect to live here and do drugs, won't be allowed. When she does call or come home, I will have to let her know that she cannot live here with the current choices she's making. I know so much of it is the mental illness but either way, we've done everything we can to give her the opportunity to be successful and she has to want it. Letting her stay and do drugs will ultimately take her life one way or another. I am just so frightened that if I send her away (friends and boyfriends have moved on so nowhere there to go) she will really have no where and if she does something desperate can we live with that?
Thanks for listening...

 

[Signorina]

I read your post and I have no answer. But I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and I wish you the best. I am very new to this with my own 19 yo and we when we said that we could not support his return to college when we know he is smoking weed - he left. Went back on his own, and g-d only knows how he plans to support himself and pay his tuition. And now I am here desperately feeling like I need to DO SOMETHING to when there is nothing I can do. And then I cry.

Had I known how it was going to end - I would have had a backup plan or I would have bided my time until we did. We did call his counselor when we found out he had purchased drug paraphernalia online and the counselor was in agreement that we should not let him go back to school knowing his plans to smoke (and distribute?) pot. I don't think it ever dawned on us that he would go back to school anyway. And now he is 400 miles away and I am totally unglued. The lines of communication have been cut. Not only is my kid making horrible choices, he is doing it far away, I have no way of knowing what's going on and soon he will be desperate for money. I think we went from the frying pan to the fire.

You mentioned that your daughter had been in treatment before. Can you call her counselor and get some advice? Since she is not a troublemaker while at home, can you let her sleep it off and try to deal with her when she is lucid? Maybe her counselor or the rehab place can suggest tips for getting her to comply with getting help? I know I am probably not giving you good advice ... I think you are well within your rights to say she can't live with you while using drugs...but i think you need to have a plan on what you will do if she leaves.

So maybe, you should wait and explore all of your options - talk to someone who specializes in intervention and get your ducks in a row. Explore all of your options. Have an A B and C plan. Learn from my mistake, be proactive instead of reactive.

(edited to add) And I am so sorry and I send you lots of hugs. You sound like a wonderful mother.

 

[gma]

Signorina,
Thank you for your kind words and I too am sending good thoughts your way.
It sounds like you have made some really tough decisions and I commend you, it's not easy.
The last time we went down this road i just didn't think I could go on. I had some good people really push me to take care of myself so I could be strong enough to help her when she was ready. I listened and attended Alanon and found a good therapist which helped me to deal differently; to control what I can, and feel sad or frightened but let go of what I cannot change. It's helped me. When she was ready I was "OK" and there for her.. After a few months on her own having to take full responsibility for her choices, instead of being able to point the finger at all of us, because of rules, relationships, expectations, etc, which "caused her behavior", we explained how much we loved her, but that she couldn't return home when making these choices, we just kept reaching out via messages, text messages, facebook, whatever way we could to let her know how much we loved her and when she was ready we were ready to help her find the right help. It was like we put down one side of the rope and there was no more toggle war. In a couple months she called and asked for help to find a 30 program.
Right out of recovery she experienced some pretty big personal blows and she ended up relapsing. As hard as she's tried she hasn't been able to get it back, that drive. This isn't any easier the second time around, however I have a few more tools that do help me think through my actions and how I respond. That being said, its never easy and sometimes I do it better than others. An example is last night when I was pacing the floor literally a panicked, raving, maniac, at the thought of what she was doing, where she was, who she was with, was she safe, hurting herself, just all of it - I had to reel myself back in and realize this craze was only hurting me, I wouldn't change what she was doing. It's tough to get yourself there, but for me I am finally aware enough that I can see where my own me bashing, what if, why didn't I, panic attack will not change the outcome and I have to force myself to stop the wind up and think through where I allow myself to go. Now that being said, I'm not always successful, but I try!
Believe me we've worked the A, B & C, but if she won't agree to any of it, that's where we have the hard decisions. Like her counselor keeps telling me, listen to my gut, if it looks black, its probably black! I want to make it all better for her, but I can't make any human being do anything they don't or won't do for themselves.
Good luck with your son, take care of yourself so you can be there when the time is right. I think that going back to school may be a good thing. He didn't throw everything to the wind, and maybe when he's there on his own without the moral and financial support of a loving family, he'll get it right. Keep the faith and know that you cannot do anything from 400miles away that you could do if you were right there with him.
Good luck and lots of thoughts and hugs coming your way.