what would YOU do?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ctmom05, Nov 11, 2011.

  1. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    My friend's 18 year old son has acknowledged addiction issues .. .. ..

    In prep for a Party Lite party she was having I helped her out by getting a couple of the things she needed for refreshments. I accidentally dropped the $5 she gave me to pay for the things in her car, she found it, and put it in the console compartment. The next time she went out to her car, the console was open - there was $2 in it, but my $5 was gone.

    Her son had been observed going into the car by his brother's girlfriend. He took Mom's keys while she was in the shower, opened the car from inside the house, put the keys back, and went out to the car and went inside.

    This is a small amount of money, but it was mine! I'm interested in some feedback from others on how you would handle this type of thing.
  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    What would I do if I were you? Or If I were the mom?

    If I were the mom - I would give you $5

    If I were you, I wouldn't say anything. I mean it's just $5 and he left the other $2. Which is a little odd. Plus it's his brother's girlfriend who is relaying the story. It's convoluted at this point...and if the boys mother hasn't pursued it...I would just leave it alone.

    Just my $.02
  3. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    Thanks for your input Sig. Mom is on a super limited budget and didn't have another $5 to give me. She did talk to her son about this issue, and he blew her off, as he has many other times. I was already watching my back; as an example - I don't leave my car in her driveway when we do something together.

    There are so many issues that my friends deals with in regard to her son that I am going to let this go, altho I do feel targeted.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I do think I would let it go too since it was only $5. But I would probably confront the son if I saw him away from her home at some point at a later time. I would let him know that I knew he had taken my money and I didnt appreciate it and that I suspected that he had taken it because he had an addiction issue. That I was very disappointed in him.

    Cory stole some earrings from Tonys cousins wife one time and that was very embarrassing for us and we had to confront Cory and make him give them back. Cory tried to deny it but it was fruitless since he was wearing one of them as he stood there denying it to our face...sigh.
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member


    If it were me I would not directly confront the son...mostly because you said you already feel "targeted" and if he is an active using addict his behavior is not to be trusted.

    I think I would let this go but be a caring ear for your friend to vent. I'm sure she could use the support.

  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I like the idea of confronting the son only because your friend, who is probably overwhelmed and seems of aware of wht her son is like, really didn't mean for it to happen and probably feels badly enough. And although her son may not care if you confront him, he should know that you are onto him. I'd even suggest he pay you back. You never know.
  7. Bean

    Bean Member

    Yeah, I'm reading this and my emotions are saying to speak with the son. Which, I still might, just because I'm me. But even more than that, this mother could probably use an ear. I'd keep my purse tight around the kid, though for sure.
  8. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    I did speak to the son - I said "Some of the things in the van are mine, not everything in it belongs to your Mom." She and I are coworkers and spend several hours a day on the road together in our work vehicle every day, and we are practically neighbors in town.

    He blew me off, no surprise. Mom and I do a great deal of sharing and it goes both ways, so the door is always open between her and I.

    I've been careful, but I need to step it up a notch when Mom and I spend time together; whether it's work or play time.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm not sure saying anything to the son is going to do any good. He's gonna blow it off as 5 bucks what's the big deal. You talked to the mom, so this time I'd let it go and keep my purse and anything else of value on my person when around him.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    You know what? This is just MY opinion and it may not be all political - but you say you work with this woman right? Well....If you and I worked together.......and she were me? Five dollars is FIVE dollars I mean that's like nearly an hour of my wage/work. (I get nearly minimum wage) So while everyone is saying "It's only ONLY five dollars' - If it's ONLY five dollars then why doesn't the woman hand you the money back and apologize for her son?

    I would be mortified! - My son has been a lot of things - thief included. And HAD he ever taken and when he DID take things from someone - WE made him march up to them, and make him pay them back. IT embarrassed the snot out of him, but the more you do that - the less likely they are to steal - and if this jerk is getting off so "easy" wow - she's NOT doing him any favors - and you aren't either by NOT telling her she's NOT doing herself any favors in allowing his behavior to continue -

    Whether it's five dollars or TEN or 100 - The fact of the matter is - IT WAS NOT HIS MONEY - IT WASN"T HIS to touch, to spend and when he found out it wasn't his???????? SOMEONE in that family needed to replace it. NOT get in your face, deny it, or blow you off. I don't care if it was a dollar.

    Sorry that's just how I feel about taking junk that's not YOURS. Even my DOG knows that basic principal - NOT YOURS.....

    THe rest of what Hound said about keeping my stuff on my person - yeah - I'd be so like fort knox..........
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    and ps - I don't think much of this woman for NOT offering to pay YOU back - you both work together - just as hard.........I'm not sure I'd trust her either. Her thoughts must be like her son - Five bucks - big deal - So where DOES she draw the line at "BORROWING OUT" things that don't belong to her? TEN DOLLARS.....TWENTY? I mean would it have been JUST TWENTY???????? UGH.
  12. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    Star - the Mom and I are such good friends I knew how she felt about what her son did before she even said anything. She did give me the $2.00 that was left in the vehicle. I feel that anything further should come from the son - and if it's nothing, so be it.

    For what it's worth, I also subscribe to the not yours morality - which is what motivated me to speak to him directly and quietly about the incident in the first place.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am with Star to a point. Not sure I would sacrifice a friendship for $3, also not sure I would accept $$ from the mom when I know the kid is the one who took it. If he didn't and the person who told you is lying, well, that is one of the costs of addiction. NO ONE trusts you and you sometimes have to pay for something you didn't do.

    I would expect the 18 yo ADULT to pay his debts. Not his Mommy. Yes, it was in her possession, so it was her responsibility. BUT he is an adult. That means adult consequences.

    I would probably find a way to speak to him - and if he blew me off I might consider going to his BOSS and asking to have it taken out of his check. Or following him on a Fri or Sat night and asking him in front of his friend/girlfriend if he was ready to pay the $$ he stole back or if he wanted his friends to hear about how he can't be trusted wth even $5. Cause if it is so piddly an amount how come he won't pay it back???? ISn't he an ADULT? Surely that means he can pay $5 that he stole back. ESP if he doesn't want every employer he gets to hear about this - and if he doesn't want it going out in other ways too. Cause it would just pi$$ me off that he would say it is no big deal but then why won't he pay it back?

    I wouldn't take $$ to that house again. And if I got something and the friend payed me back it would go into a pocket but it would be a small enough amt that I wouldn't epect her to pay me back.

    I can say it if was my kid I would have gotten the change out of the couch if I needed to to pay you back. Or would pay you back with the first $$ I had if I was so broke I didn't have the $3. Then I would take it out of my kid's hide.

    And likely insist he go live elsewhere if he was going to steal. I just won't live with that. Not of money out of my car, purse, bedroom. If he wants that lifestyle he can go pay for it himself. That is the line my parents drew when we ht 18 and it made sense to me and I don't see a reason to change it.
  14. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    My take on this?

    He stole the $5 from his Mom.

    She meant to give it to you....and set it aside in the car until she had the opportunity...

    If she chooses not to press the issue with her son? Her perogative.

    But at the end of the day, she still owes you the $5. She gave you $2 - so now she owes you $3. And since she is a friend, I am sure you will let her make up the $3 by buying coffee or some other nicety for you one day soon.

    Just my $.02
  15. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    She didn't just mean to give it to me; she actually handed to me while we were on our morning work run together, so it became mine at that point. I was doing something - put the money in my lap and forgot it was there; that's why it dropped to the floor in our work vehicle when I got out. Mom noticed it and stuck it in the console compartment, so that we went on the road in the afternoon she could give it back to me.

    Remember now, the original intent of the $5 was to pay me back for items I had purchased on Mom's behalf - to be used in refreshment prep for her Party Lite gathering that I was attending. I'm breaking it down to the basics. The $5 was from her to pay me back; her son lifted it - it becomes his responsibility.

    The disease of addiction is painful and insidious. It affects family and friends. Since Mom is my good friend, I am supporting her. The $5 issue is like a minnow in the pond.
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This money is not worth your friendship but she needs to know about her son. Im glad you spoke to her son. He knows you know. He may have blown you off but he now knows you know which may weigh more on him than he let on to you. Didnt you say he was 18? Maybe he was embarrassed and will think on this and the money will appear at some time.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Ctmom, your post clarified a few things for me. I totally agree with the way you are handling things. WHile I might confront the son, it would likely be another source of drama. An act of kindness for a friend is not a bad thing, and letting this slide is very reasonable esp as you have to work together.

    There IS something else to think about. I thought that the car was owned by the MOM, not her employer. The son broke in to the car to get the $$. That he used keys does not make it any less illegal for him to go into the car, esp as he went itno the car wtih the purpose of stealing something. I can understand not going to the employer, after all she is a friend, someone you care about, and it iS $5, not $500 or even $50.

    You DO need to let her know that what he did was break into your company's car, and this is SERIOUS. I don't know if the company would do anything, esp to him. It might take away her company car or even sanction or fire her for not reporting this to the company and the authorities. I don't know if YOU could get into trouble if this came out down the road, because you knew that her son stole something from a locked company car, but she certainly would. it might cost her her job and maybe even get a recommendation that would make it hard to find work. After all, if she would look the other way when a small sum was stolen, what would she do if she knew someone was stealing ever increasing amounts?

    I am NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT saying that she is corrupt or that you are, or that ether of you is responsible for the son's reaction. I am simply trying to see this from the employer's point of view. I wouldn't let the $$ ruin my friendship, but I would at least think about what might happen if difficult child does it again and this theft comes out and it hadn't been reported.

    I still probably wouldn't report it, but would let my friend know the position her son put you both in and possible problems because it is a company car and not hers. Maybe give her a keyfob that would let her put the keys around her neck or to fasten them to her somehow, and/or has one of thosetwisty stretch bracelets that you can keep the keys on your wrists. It sounds like she is going to have to keep them wtih her or locked up somewhere at all times.

    (((((hugs for you))))) for being such a caring, sweet friend - to this coworker friend AND to me here on the board - and for the son so that he maymake that choice to get and STAY sober as soon as possible.
  18. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    My friend and I have discussed this as much as it's been discussed here - quite a bit .. .. ..

    Our drivers bring the work vehicle home at the end of the day. They are made well aware of the responsibilities that go with doing that. The liability issues are between my friend and our boss; the vehicle was issued to her - she is the driver and I am the aide. I don't have concerns about the $ having been stolen from the van and possible work related implications for me.

    Susie, thank you for the hugs and understanding. My personal standards will keep me afloat with regards to my friend's son ~ not to worry.