Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by 4now, Dec 15, 2015.

  1. 4now

    4now Member

    My Difficult Child sent me a message at 12:30 last Friday morning saying he wasn't doing well so far from home. And basically that things weren't going well in general. Since he lost his id and apparently his phone I've only heard from him on Facebook. I didn't see the message until I got up and I sent him a reply asking where he was staying and where he could be contacted. I also contacted the girl he followed and asked her if she had seen or spoken with him. She sent a message that she thought she saw his backpack and stuff hidden on a trail by her house that looked like his and that someone had weaved a makeshift bouquet of flowers in her door. She said she would look for him. Today I started calling around because no one has seen him and he hasn't read my message that I sent back to his on Friday. He is on disability for bipolar and I called his payee and asked if they had contact. She said his checks keep getting returned but he called Friday requesting they pay for a room because there was a winter snow storm coming where he is at. They agreed to pay for a room but she says she thinks he didn't go because they never got a bill for his stay. She also said he was supposed to call Monday to give them an accurate address where they could send him money. He never called. I contacted the day shelter and asked if he had been there. Citing confidentiality laws they couldn't tell me but said they would leave a message at the desk for him to contact me and let the outreach people know I was trying to get ahold of him. I've checked arrest records where he is at, tried hospitals. I am really scared. I contacted the girl again and asked her if anyone has seen him since Friday. She hasn't replied. I am so scared something terrible has happened. I am ready to file a missing persons report or ask for a welfare check. He has a warrant in our state but I don't know if they would hold him on that there if they locate him. At this point I'd rather see him in jail. He is totally non functioning right now. By that I mean he's not even able to give the payee correct info for his checks or allow them to help secure housing. I am so scared and don't know what to do. I am trying to hope that no news is good news but a couple of weeks ago he was sent to detox there for a few days because he was wondering around talking to people who weren't there and acting erratically. When I talked to him after that I tried to encourage him to stay at the shelter and get counseling but to no avail. I am terrified that he froze to death or something terrible has happened. I am barely keeping it together and even my husband is concerned. I have no resources there except the girl, and the homeless outreach program. I feel like I'm going to lose my sanity.
  2. 4now

    4now Member

    I went ahead and filed a missing persons report online. I couldn't see any reason to wait.
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member


    I can imagine how scared you are. I have been that scared. My 27 year old adult son is on SSI for mental illness and he has been homeless and may be again.

    My son continually loses his ID and his SSI debit card, too. He is very dependent upon others to take care of him. But he wants to call the shots.

    If something happened, I believe you would have heard. Even without his ID, I feel certain he has something on his person that would identify him. It is very likely that he is at the shelter, and they could not disclose it. He must have found an alternative to the motel. That is the most likely scenario.

    Of course there is always the possibility that harm will come to any one of us.

    Our children, unfortunately, do not seem to seek out stability or security. Instead they do things in the hardest way possible, it seems. That and so many other things is what makes them difficult.

    We have tried to help them, to teach them, to rescue them, to worry about them. And not one thing changes until we do.

    That is our task. To change ourselves. To find that peace and contentment we long for.

    To be more than OK, eaten up with worry and guilt. To thrive and to let our children's lives be their own.

    I know you are beside yourself. You do not have to be. Not one bit of your suffering helps him. There are services available. He has a safety net. His payee. For one. He will resurface shortly. I know it.

    It is not that I do not understand how you feel and feel empathy. I do. But a decision has to be made by you about how engaged you choose to be. As long as you believe that anything you can do or not do can keep him safe, you will suffer.

    He is keeping himself safe. If he gets cold, he will seek shelter. He has that capacity. He will take care of himself. I believe that.

  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    4now, I am so sorry for all of your heartache and worry. This is all too stressful and agonizing, I feel so badly for you, just reading your post is hard.
    I have gone through times like this worrying about my two girls and my grands. It got to the point where I had to slow down and breathe. It is too much stress and anxiety. My two are not diagnosed with anything but through years of substance abuse are not of right mind.
    You have done all you possibly can, to try and locate your son. Filing a missing persons report is good. Now it is a wait and see.
    I have had to rely on a higher power to get me through the rough times like this. It is the only way I am able to function.
    The Serenity prayer helps. Getting up and out and walking helps, too.
    I know it is difficult to keep from thinking the absolute worse case scenario.
    I do so hope you are able to get some rest and peace of mind.
    Saying prayers for you and your son.
  5. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    My dear 4now,
    I offer support to help lift you in this time. I understand your fear that something terrible has happened, and that you don't know what to do. You have comfort and support in this safe place.
    Both Copa and New Leaf have spoken wise words.
    Thank you, Copa and Leafy. Such words I need to hear also. You are not alone 4now. May you have a moment of peace.

    I find this song, The Prayer, to be calming and assuring, with the words:
    I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go
    And help us to be wise, in times when we don't know
    Let this be our prayer, as we go our way
    Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace
    To a place where we'll be safe

    Enjoy Aloha and the pule. ALO...HA (in the presence of divine breath of life)

    Bless, Kalahou
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2015
  6. 4now

    4now Member

    Thank you. I'm calmer now that I've done all that I can do. I'm letting go and letting God take over. Whatever has happened I can't change and if he's safe I have nothing to worry about. It is so unusual for him not to be hounding his payee for his money, that is the scariest part of all this. To hear the worry and concern in her voice just amped up all of my stress and concern. Today I am going to get through work and try to fit in a meeting after work. I come here for the support of people who understand. I love the calming influence of your replays and the thoughtfulness of each one of you. Words cannot express how helpful reading your replies have been. Thank you.
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    So hard to go thru... Will be praying for you and your son. I hope you hear from him soon. KSM
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    4now, welcome and I'm glad you are here and find comfort on this forum. So many of us do.

    Reading your post from last night was like deja vu all over again. I could go back immediately to those feelings of intense fear, the awful not-knowing. I remember thinking it would be better to know the worst as opposed to not knowing.

    How old is your son? How many years have you been "at this"?

    You sound like you have made a lot of progress, and I am thankful for you, for that.

    Your post is about fear. I remember living in the grip of terror so often, so much of the time, when Difficult Child was on the street, homeless. When he was in jail, I was actually better, just sad.

    Living in fear is not sustainable, I found over time. I had to change myself, as you have, in order to continue living. At some point I had to unhook myself from my son and any immediate, day to day outcomes.

    This is a lesson I am still learning. Even though my son has been on an upward path for the past 18 months, there is still a lot of stuff to deal with, with him. I continue to learn. Several weeks ago he was diagnosed with Hepatitis C, which thankfully is a disease many people live with, and ultimately can be cured of. I got over involved with him during that time, and I have had to step back. We didn't talk for a couple of weeks, and we have slowly started talking again. I talked with him by phone this week and didn't ask about his doctor's appointment, insurance, what's next, his hemorrhoid surgery that was canceled, etc. I just had a nice conversation with him about my recent trip and our Christmas plans for dinner and presents.

    When we hung up, I was okay. I don't have to know it all today. I don't have to know when, what, how, where and why today. That is a huge shift for me. Huge. I find that when I can work to let go...really let go...I have peace. I feel peaceful. I don't feel anxious. I can accept whatever it is. Even playing the movie of the worst possible circumstances, which is still where my mind goes, sometimes, I can work toward acceptance.

    I hope and pray your son is safe somewhere, and that he reaches out soon. This is the worst kind of fear and pain, and I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Perhaps, in time, you will see that you have taken yet another step forward in your own life journey, and I hope that is the case, for you, regardless of what he does or does not do.

    Watching someone we love so much live a life like these lives our DCs live is the hardest possible way to learn about living life on life's terms. I can't imagine any situation harder.

    We're here for you as we all walk forward on our journeys together. Warm hugs this morning.