Writing sentences

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Dun Haddit, Aug 26, 2014.

  1. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    Absolutely NOTHING has worked as a consequence for bad behavior. We started assigning sentences regarding certain behaviors and the amount depends on what happened, or mostly, how often the same behavior is repeated.

    Our son is a couple years away from an official antisocial personality disorder diagnosis. His psychiatrist said no one would accept that diagnosis for a child, regardless of the things he has done.

    We received a call from CPS that our youngest son was always hungry and never brought lunches to school. AFTER the investigation was closed as unfounded, we discovered our son was stealing his little brother's food while walking him to the bus. Neither he or his twin sister admitted this to us or the social worker.

    When I found out, I called the social worker and told her about it. Our son knew I had called them, so for retribution, he or someone on his behalf called CPS to report we were starving him. During the previous incident, I was constantly finding his own uneaten lunches stuffed in his closet, under his bed, in the dresser, etc. I would always take pictures, so when the same social worker came, I was able to show her that he was getting lunch, he wasn't eating it - because he was full from stealing his brother's! That was closed unfounded.

    We started making him write sentences about not stealing and how he hurt his brother. Within a few days, refusing to do them, he wasn't allowed tv or even to play with his siblings (they were often afraid of him). He threatened to call the police claiming we were a using him. I tossed him the phone, but he didn't touch it, so I dialed 911 and handed it back to him. The fit he threw was priceless and he hung up the phone.

    When they called back, I explained what happened. Since he was not committed, when he spoke to dispatcher, he said we were beating him. The officer that showed up asked to see the marks/bruises and he hesitated then claimed he didn't want to pull his pants down because he had on dirty underwear. The Deputy told him to drop his pants, and, no marks. We had 3 additional visits from them because if his behavior.

    Up to speed, we are 3 weeks into his new school year, first week for his siblings, when I get a call from the principal of the youngests' school. She said CPS was talking to the twins. We had no clue what was going on because there had been no issues with the exception of Friday if his first week back.

    I was closing in on 2weeks post-op for ovary/tumor removal. I was unable to take any pain medications because he got out at noon that day, and was warned they counted towards DUI if driving with them in my system. I waited for half an hour at the designated pick up. I drove to the deserted school and waited another half hour. My husband was calling any number he had for the school, nobody is answering.

    Unable to sit any longer with the pain and complications during the surgery, I drove home, my husband left work early, and half hour later, our son calls. I went off on him out if both pain and frustration. His immediate response to everything (at 13 yo) is to immediate start crying. He lied and said he had been talking to friends and lost track of time....even though he is to immediate go to pick up site as soon as school is out.

    By the time my husband gets there, our son was waiting in the vp's office, now saying he was talking with his counselor. We knew this was a lie because almost all the staff had left by 1 since school ended at noon. The vp happened to be there for another reason. My husband reminded our son that if he caused me any problems during my recuperation, he would have to write sentences.

    CPS was speaking with the twins because our son, or someone on his behalf, reported we make him wrote sentences for consequences and force him to eat quinoa.


    I was interviewed for 2 hours. Our therapist spoke with the social worker for more than an hour. I'm vilified and treated as if I'm an evil taskmaster, even though we've had several false accusations by him and the therapist told her he is a pathological liar and a master manipulator.

    When I told his psychiatrist that the social worked insinuated I was driving the children too hard, she about flipped her lid.

    So, if you use sentences as consequence and even think about adding quinoa to your meal menus, think twice!

    The social worker has obviously never come across a family that has 3 boys with bi-polar, one with aspergers, too, and this one, the budding psychopath. We know we sound crazy just describing a fraction of the behaviors, because we know people would never believe a 12yo (at the time) would laugh while using his bunk bed for leverage to hold himself so he could stomp on his brother.

    Or 'accidentally' bite his youngest brother while playing, even though ALL his siblings were screaming the same thing, that he knocked him down, pinned him on his stomach then but his back. Another tear soaked sob fest about he was playing and he must have accidentally did it.

    She suggested I take a patenting class. I wanted to suggest she take a reality check. Every case was cause by or initiated by this child and his school, doctors and the court have documentation proving he lies without though of consequence or care about who is hurt in the process. Our tax money now funds pitchfork and torch bearing witch hunts.

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  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    How old is your son? Have you ever thought of residential treatment?

    I have a friend who adopted two children, ages one and two. The boy (one) was very out of control and the police were always there, as early as his seventh year. At first they blamed the parents, but they saw that they were doing all they could to help him. His sister had started out just as bad, but she really responded to a Day Program. So they knew in the end it was him, not them. He was very disturbed and was eventually diagnosed with schizophrenia and autism and finally they took him to residential on their own dime (not the parent's) when he admitted he was attracted to young girls. He was in his early teens by then and had a young sister. He has not been home since. I know a lot of people who adopted because I did an d I have been in a group for a long time. I know your son was not adopted, but it sounds a lot like this family's experience. Your son will get found out in the end. For now, I would not want him in the house as he is a danger to your two other children.

    Cooperate with CPS. Do the garbage they want you to do. Then ask them for help. They may decide that residential is a good idea for your son. He would get 24/7 treatment and you'd have peace of mind t hat everyone is safe. Whatever you do, no matter how much you want to, don't argue with CPS. They take that is your being in denial. It's a scary organization, yet it can bring you help too. If they want you to stop the sentences, stop. That won't do anything to change him anyway. Hugs for your pain!!!
  3. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    13, and YES, we have discussed facility placement with his psychiatrist many times.

    All 4 children are my step children. I didn't know what I was getting myself into, but that doesn't mean I have to wash my hands and walk away.

    I'm incredulous that a "professional" person is already judging me of guilt after speaking with a child that has repeatedly made false allegations, assaulted other students, sexually harassed both female teachers and students, stolen from other students and has admitted to school administrators, doctors and deputies he does it to get back at "everyone" because he is made.

    I left a career to make support and advocacy for these children a full time job. I've spent countless hours getting education about autism and bipolar disorder. I'm now on the board of directors for our local society, actively participate and volunteer at all their school, attend all sst/IEP meetings and am active in goal making. I foster anything they show interest in, love and care for them as they were my own, but that damn social worker just keep saying over and over that I break them down and won't allow them to be children and make mistakes. She has no clue what goes on. If he is mad and wants to get back at my with false complaints, is he really going to say he gets to watch tv, go play with friends, go to the movies, etc?

    Before we even met, she'd already decided that I was a drill instructor bent on breaking each of them. If we use sentences to discourage repeated bad behavior like lying, stealing and hitting, of course all will say they have to do sentences. If bone of them had the mental issues they have, maybe after the first few or even dozen times, the behavior would stop. It doesn't. There isn't a day that goes boy where lying isn't the most predominant thing they do.

    We have security cameras in the house. Even when shown they were caught stealing, they deny, deny, deny. They write sentences, and do the exact thing all over again. I could see CPS investigating allegations of beatings. Allegations they are duct taped to their bed, etc, but sentences? Let's not forget the evil quinoa.

    Our therapist spoke with the SW before I did. He thought he had convinced her of the truth, that our son lies through his teeth about everything. Crying wolf is nothing compared to this. He explained all the children learned early on how to lie and manipulate as a survival skill while living in their other severely dysfunctional and abusive home.

    We went through a 730 evaluation, asked the court to provide (at our cost) an attorney for the children so their best interest was given priority over our disagreement as to who could provide a safer home. In CA, do you know how hard it is to remove children from a biological mother? Even with the proof of abuse, domestic violence, her marrying a drug dealer 1 week out of prison and the revolving door of men, which the children were always walking in on during sex, we still received full custody and a no contact order plus court supervised visitations at her expense.

    And I'm the evil thumb screw.

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  4. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    I wouldn't put much stock in what the dimwitted SW thinks. Can your therapists write a letter to be placed in your file? I have no experience with CPS fortunately. Where are things currently with CPS?
  5. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    She wants to inspect our home, now. Therapist is baffled. Not sure if psychiatrist has spoken with her or not. This should be fun. I'm a couple weeks post up, was in the hospital several days and before that was away for a stress break. In all that time nothing was done in the house. Hell, nothing is ever done. I'm so busy playing catch up I can't get to what needs to be taken care of.

    On a (good?) note, the school psychologist called about a survey or something from the psychiatrist to go with the Special Education evaluation. I am going through lots of other things, to boot, so I unloaded it all on her. I've always known the vice principal would continue to try to kick our son out. She was absolutely incredulous about what I told her.

    Last year, he received 3 suspensions and 2 letters of reprimand. Not a single thing is in his file. She said that she had no clue what's gone on, and from his iq and testing, was confused why I wanted him evaluated. A few teachers had odd reports and the therapist told her things, but it never came together until I told her everything.

    If he does not "require" accommodations, it's much easier to remove him from school. Those suspensions and letters vanish and all I have is good academics??? I might be stressed to the limit, but I'm not an idiot. We also have email traffic back and forth discussing his behavior. Just because that vanishes doesn't mean everything else does...not even the copies the lawyer got for our last custody round.

    This guy is so pampas and arrogant. That is his biggest problem. He acts as if his coming from an uppity private school means he can mislead and lie without consequence. I've already called him out on his threat to not re enroll our son (in an email, no less),

    I've got nothing left to loose so I'm going to be this guy's worst nightmare.

    In the meantime, I can only hope that child is satisfied with the toll he has taken. For all the crying about not wanting to live anywhere else or go into the system, he seems to have those coordinates fixed to do just that. It's amazing how one person can cause such an avalanche of destruction without a care in the world about the collateral damage.

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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    CPS is not fair. It isn't even logical. The best you can do is cooperate with them. Many are very young social workers who have n o life experience and no kids, but they can judge us and take away our children. All you can do is agree with them, what they say, and work with them, in their twisted way, so that they believe you are "cooperating." It's very maddening.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    DunHaddit, I know this is a mess, but please don't write funny sentences for me to read when my mouth is full of tea!

    "CPS was speaking with the twins because our son, or someone on his behalf, reported we make him wrote sentences for consequences and force him to eat quinoa.


    Now I have to wipe off the screen.

    Okay, I'm back.
    Yeah, it's sad when you're on a first-name basis with the police and CPS. (Instead of Sgt. XYZ, it's, "Hey, Sam, nice to see you again." Man-slap on the back.)
    Memorize all the names of the CPS workers. When they call to set up an appointment, ask, "Is Mary coming by this time? She knows our case." So it gets to be an adult conversation on more equal terms.

    I think he is lying because the consequences are too much to handle when he tells the truth. I think he has serious anxiety issues. Ironic for someone who causes anxiety in everyone else. But our son has anxiety and the stuff he made up was soooo stooopid and uncalled for. We always sat down afterward, and he tearfully confessed everything (okay, he's 17 and we still go through this... these kids take forever to mature) and he'd say, "But when I thought about it, I knew you'd get mad."
    "So the instant you think about it, STOP DOING it!"
    It makes no sense to us, but in their convoluted minds, it makes some sort of sense to them. They are always running on high speed and turning around and running the other way in their minds.
  8. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    A friend posted a meme on fb that said "humor is the one things that keeps me from having to bury bodies". I could do stand-up.

    Our oldest is in charge of taking dirty clothes out. I have 4 covered large plastic trash cans labeled 'darks' 'whites' 'tans/browns' and 'reds/pinks'. As I did laundry, I noticed I was washing a lot of our daughters clothes, our sheets and towels. Every so often the socks, wash clothes and other miscellaneous whites. The tans/browns or darks never seemed to have enough for a load.

    After several weeks, I asked if he had been doing his chore. He immediately went I to hysterics about how he knew he would be in trouble if I knew he wasn't. No matter how I phrased, explained or communicated, he refused to accept that I already knew he wasn't because he and his brothers never had clothes to be washed. I asked what kind of sense does that make?

    Apart from all the severe mental issues, a vital part of their childhood was robbed by the genetic person who birthed them. They were never taught basic things like brushing teeth, washing themselves, grooming, cleaning up after themselves. Giving them tasks and reminders and having them write those things on a list to be read 2x a day has had no impact.

    Every single day, each is reminded to brush after breakfast, wash fave and neck, comb hair, take medications. If it weren't illegal, I'd start a social experiment and document how each acts and reacts.

    O will wear the same pair if white socks until they are the color of rain clouds. He wears the same clothes very day after being reminded to change from school clothes. When he actually does wash his face, the cloth is soaked, he makes several awkward passes around his face, never quite connecting with his skin, then hangs the cloth out. No wringing or rinsing. That cloth is used over and over again until there are I many flies all over it, I have to toss it out. If another cloth is not put in it's place, he will not attempt to find another one, but waits to be reminded...and then he either lies and says he is washing, or claims he doesn't know where to find one. He is 16.

    K, thinking this is a power and control issue, will wet his bed on purpose. If he does decide to wear his depends, he will sit in them for HOURS before waiting to be told to change out of them. He never washes himself afterwards. On the very, very rare occasion he changes without being told, instead of nagging and trashing, he shoves them in his closet, under his bed, in drawers or even his school backpack. Urology confirmed there are no physical issues. When told he could never sleep at a friends house because if it, poof, it stopped. Behavior deteriorated, wetting started again and he hides his bedding. It's to the point where he is now responsible for washing his soiled items. I can't include them with ours because they ferment and the stench is stomach turning. If an item makes it into our wash, some of our things reek. I normally notice after they are in the dryer because the baked hot old urine smell permeates the air. There is a can near the washer with his putrid reeking items in it that I'll be throwing away, soon, but not replacing. Linens are now kept in our room because he will take from other's beds or rooms rather than clean up after himself. He is 13.

    The twins have the potential to be 'normal' if that word can ever be used to describe any of them. A is an alpha, and if stable on medications, can be a great leader. She is affectionate, helpful, and independent. She can also be nasty, vindictive and cunning. At the age of 4, she was already self-editing when speaking with therapists. Tailoring her answers for each individual she was speaking two. At least 1 therapist admitted he'd NEVER seem a child do that, only pre-teens and up. The first time I met her, my husband had them over for his Xmas with them. Her twin had a train set up and left it laying near the walkway to the restroom. She obviously did not see me, but she walked towards the set, looked around very secretively, then threw herself on the ground and screamed bloody murder about him leaving it out on purpose to trip her. This was 4 months prior to them turning 5.

    T, well he is a special story. Their bio and her dame treated each child differently. A was bio's favorite, she she was lavished with new clothes (hookers would be envious over the scantily, overtly inappropriate things from mini skirts to knee boots.) T was the dame's prized possession. Up until we gained custody and got a no contact order, T would sleep in her bed, constantly by her side, often locked in her room with her watching TV all day, and after bowel movements, she would clean his bottom. If he wanted anything, he got.

    Neither cared for K and neither wanted anything to do with O. He was uncontrollable with his meltdowns so he was always placed in a room with video games from his arrival to departure. If asked to stop playing, his violent and explosive reactions would either have him picked up and thrown across a room or he'd be locked back in with the games.

    Anything broken was blamed on K. The twins were always exempt from blame or punishment. K was the scapegoat, patsy and whipping boy.

    When we first got custody of O, 5+ years ago, there was a film on his teeth that literally looked like he was wearing the crazy costume teeth for Halloween. Even at the age of 10, he reeked from lack of bathing and his hair was the most awful smell. He had giant flakes of skin and sebum that were the size of scabs from not washing or combing. I'm happy to report that this weeks dental appointment it was suggested he floss better and get sealants, but no new cavities....only because of constant daily reminders. The day we agreed to take him, she had him and his stuff packed outside and wanted it got ASAP.

    K has never had any positive attention from either of those females. We couldn't make up half the things we know as true, everyone is so flabbergasted how he was treated. When we gained custody of him, she thought that meant she could keep the twins. She sent him to us with nothing. Via the court we asked for his belongings. What important toys she did relinquish (after months of asking) came broken. Scant amounts of clothing trickled after more months.

    After her failed attempt to blame K for molesting the twins, visitation w her was cut off. She never called him in 1.5 years. When his siblings came back from visiting, they gladly shared how the same took the twins to Disneyland and how O played video games all weekend. She would tell him in therapy about all the nice things she had for him but nothing every made it to our home regardless of promises to send back with the others....but the twins always had new things each time.

    As mad and angry I feel about their maniacal and insane behaviors, I know we got pieces, not whole children. They will never be normal. From medical and therapy and psychiatric reports, there was enough information and documentation she did everything to alienate the children from us and our providing structure. She instructed the twins to stop taking their medications. Dumped them when they visited and told them God would bring them back to her, they just needed to be really bad here and in school. She never objects to the boys medications and about half the time, administered them.

    A was hospitalized 5150 because of directions and commands. It helped tremendously to have the treating psychiatrist report that bio would deny any necessity for treatment and only her 'love' would make A better. When we were granted an unprecedented no-contact order, things improved until she showed up at their therapy. Each regressed tremendously and at one point, she'd locked herself in the game room with A breaking the court order.

    Seroquel and Welbutrin and Xanax are the only things that keep me functioning in the real world. Functioning maybe a far stretch, it is hour by hour, not even day to day.

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  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    OMG, I'm exhausted from reading your note!
    Love does not cure mental illness. Biomom was in serious denial.
    These kids are so lucky to have you!
    I'm speechless. I have to take a break. Really.
    I would only take one behavior at a time. Maybe the bedwetting.
  10. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    Well, the therapist and psychiatrist have spoken with the social worker. I don't think they had any impact, because she had the nerve to ask the psychiatrist if my having the children write sentences was out of love.

    The Dr told me she went off on her, at that point. She said if it hadn't been for me, they'd still be with their psychotic bio mom, absolutely unable to function and either dead or on drugs by now. The Dr also asked how many times she'd interviewed them. She said just the first interview after the referral. Dr R said she sees them on a weekly basis and whatever thoughts or ideas she has about any if them being normal, get rid of them. Even explaining how psychotic our most troubled boy is, and how amazing they are at manipulation, she can't think of any of them as normal children.

    We have a video surveillance system inside and out of the house. When she came to the house for my husbands interview, I was able o watch. That SW seemed overly obsessed about my being a step parent. Not only did she ask me and both Dr's, but she also asked my husband why I stay? I'm not their mother, I have no responsibility for them, why do I stay? Then she asked my husband what his plans were if anything were to happen between us or if something were to happen to me? Wth?

    It's clear that she was played by the kids, probably is not a parent, herself, and has never had any experience with the amount of mental dysfunction our family contains. She was 'concerned' about the 13 referrals that we've amassed in the last 4 yrs, though she did acknowledge, most were by the bio and ALL were unfounded. With access to those referrals, she must no have thought it important to READ them, see most were frivolous and all but 1 was either from bio or the troubled boy. The remaining from an outside party was unfounded and CAUSED by this boy when starving his brother stealing his lunches. We had no clue about it and it wasn't fir weeks afterward before the youngest admitted he was threatened to not reveal his brother was stealing his food.

    We are contemplating submitting a complaint. Her questioning me about staying, and questioning everyone else was out of line. Even the psychiatrist was contemplating it. She went out of her way to speak to this SW, but never got a call back. She took so much of her own time to reach the SW.

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