KFld
New Member
Yesterday started off pretty much the same as this past week has, but by the afternoon things started hitting me. Luckily I was amongst my friends and family all day and they did their best to get me through the day.
I think a lot of what I was feeling has to do with husband's actions yesterday and because I always feel responsible for making everyone comfortable in life, while sacrificing myself. So after everything he has done to me, I am now feeling sorry for him because he's realizing what he has done to his life. I can't wait to go see my counselor on Tuesday and discuss this.
H and I have had a few pretty civil phone calls over the few days, discussing how we can best figure things out financially and deal with this seperation until a final decision is made. There is such a past here and so many emotions that it all gets so confusing.
After our huge blowout the other day when he called me with his tail between his legs, he seems to be realizing he needs to start thinking about what he's doing before he loses more then just me. I think part of it has to do with him having contact with his oldest and closest friend who is pretty much saying to him, what the heck are you doing to yourself????
H decided yesterday that he needs to move out of the lesbian friends house because apparently he tired of the bachelor life pretty quickly. I knew it would happen, just not this quick. He called his brother about renting the apartment he was originally supposed to because the girl he's living with is a night owl and she is up with her friends all hours of the night, which means H is getting no sleep at all and I guess is already tired of this little party life he has been leading for the past 2 weeks. I knew he spent yesterday getting some furniture from a friend and bringing stuff over to this apartment which he will move into next week. This is where my emotions come in because now I'm feeling sorry for him!!!!!! I think he's realizing pretty quickly what he's done to himself. He asked me yesterday if I've been playing cards with everyone and I said yes. He made a comment like, I guess I'm out of that group now. I just told him that is his choice. I told him they are his brothers and family I play cards with and if he wants to spend time with them, he needs to call and set it up. ( of course I won't be there if he is ) Nobody can fix that for him, just like everything else he has gotten himself into. That is the problem. He wants everyone to fix everything for him and I have tried to do that for so many years, when it wasn't my job.
I know this is something I really really need to work on. To be honest with you, I don't really miss him. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with all the anger I feel over what he has done these past 5 weeks. I was just feeling lonely yesterday. Here I was out at the places we always used to be together, with the people we were always with. I have done this many times without him also though because he has spent so much time in VT lately, so I can't understand why it bothered me so much yesterday. I know I will have my good and bad days. I really don't feel in my heart and in my head that I could ever get past all of this and have a healthy relationship with him. My girlfriend told me last night that my feelings are normal. I guess it kind of compares to how I felt when I was going through everything with difficult child, there was a mourning period. I think I'm mourning the life I have known for the past 27 years.
Does any of this make sense??
I think the fact that he has moved so quickly as far as listing the vacation home and we've already talked about my buying something else when my original plan at first was to seperate, get counseling for myself and take sometime to think about what I really want to do with the rest of my life, and I kind of feel like that part is being skipped over. I know it has to do with him not dealing with what he has done wrong. He still hasn't taken responsibility for it and I don't think he wants to face it because he would really have to take a good look at what he's done and do something about it. I think it's easier for him just to now move on, feel sorry for himself, but not deal with anything he has done.
I guess that kind of makes me angry too, but he robbed me from dealing with my mothers death the way I was supposed to and now he's robbing me of dealing with this the way I wanted too. I think I may have just answered my own question of why I'm feeling this way. He is robbing me of soemthing else now and I'm allowing him too. This is a huge thing I need to work on. I allow him to do this to me constantly. Once again I am so worried about him and his discomfort that I am putting myself 2nd. I spent all day yesterday thinking of him moving into an apartment by himself and how sad that is.
What is wrong with me that I continue to allow him to make me feel this way. He was unhappy. He went out and had an affair. He screwed up his life and our marriage and now I'm feeling sorry for him!!!! He is so good at making me feel I'm responsible for his happiness that I fall into this so easily.
Is it Tuesday yet??? (that is when my next appointment is)
I think a lot of what I was feeling has to do with husband's actions yesterday and because I always feel responsible for making everyone comfortable in life, while sacrificing myself. So after everything he has done to me, I am now feeling sorry for him because he's realizing what he has done to his life. I can't wait to go see my counselor on Tuesday and discuss this.
H and I have had a few pretty civil phone calls over the few days, discussing how we can best figure things out financially and deal with this seperation until a final decision is made. There is such a past here and so many emotions that it all gets so confusing.
After our huge blowout the other day when he called me with his tail between his legs, he seems to be realizing he needs to start thinking about what he's doing before he loses more then just me. I think part of it has to do with him having contact with his oldest and closest friend who is pretty much saying to him, what the heck are you doing to yourself????
H decided yesterday that he needs to move out of the lesbian friends house because apparently he tired of the bachelor life pretty quickly. I knew it would happen, just not this quick. He called his brother about renting the apartment he was originally supposed to because the girl he's living with is a night owl and she is up with her friends all hours of the night, which means H is getting no sleep at all and I guess is already tired of this little party life he has been leading for the past 2 weeks. I knew he spent yesterday getting some furniture from a friend and bringing stuff over to this apartment which he will move into next week. This is where my emotions come in because now I'm feeling sorry for him!!!!!! I think he's realizing pretty quickly what he's done to himself. He asked me yesterday if I've been playing cards with everyone and I said yes. He made a comment like, I guess I'm out of that group now. I just told him that is his choice. I told him they are his brothers and family I play cards with and if he wants to spend time with them, he needs to call and set it up. ( of course I won't be there if he is ) Nobody can fix that for him, just like everything else he has gotten himself into. That is the problem. He wants everyone to fix everything for him and I have tried to do that for so many years, when it wasn't my job.
I know this is something I really really need to work on. To be honest with you, I don't really miss him. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with all the anger I feel over what he has done these past 5 weeks. I was just feeling lonely yesterday. Here I was out at the places we always used to be together, with the people we were always with. I have done this many times without him also though because he has spent so much time in VT lately, so I can't understand why it bothered me so much yesterday. I know I will have my good and bad days. I really don't feel in my heart and in my head that I could ever get past all of this and have a healthy relationship with him. My girlfriend told me last night that my feelings are normal. I guess it kind of compares to how I felt when I was going through everything with difficult child, there was a mourning period. I think I'm mourning the life I have known for the past 27 years.
Does any of this make sense??
I think the fact that he has moved so quickly as far as listing the vacation home and we've already talked about my buying something else when my original plan at first was to seperate, get counseling for myself and take sometime to think about what I really want to do with the rest of my life, and I kind of feel like that part is being skipped over. I know it has to do with him not dealing with what he has done wrong. He still hasn't taken responsibility for it and I don't think he wants to face it because he would really have to take a good look at what he's done and do something about it. I think it's easier for him just to now move on, feel sorry for himself, but not deal with anything he has done.
I guess that kind of makes me angry too, but he robbed me from dealing with my mothers death the way I was supposed to and now he's robbing me of dealing with this the way I wanted too. I think I may have just answered my own question of why I'm feeling this way. He is robbing me of soemthing else now and I'm allowing him too. This is a huge thing I need to work on. I allow him to do this to me constantly. Once again I am so worried about him and his discomfort that I am putting myself 2nd. I spent all day yesterday thinking of him moving into an apartment by himself and how sad that is.
What is wrong with me that I continue to allow him to make me feel this way. He was unhappy. He went out and had an affair. He screwed up his life and our marriage and now I'm feeling sorry for him!!!! He is so good at making me feel I'm responsible for his happiness that I fall into this so easily.
Is it Tuesday yet??? (that is when my next appointment is)