14 year old molesting a child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by 1986 Mom of 3, Oct 4, 2017.

  1. 1986 Mom of 3

    1986 Mom of 3 New Member

    My 14 year old son is being charged with a 2nd degree felony for indecency with a child. I thought it would never happen to me. The child was 4(girl) and a distant none-blood relative. This did not happen while he was in my care. My S.O of 3 years and I just recently moved in together while all of this was taking place. Now my S.O. and I are constantly fighting over my son. My S.O. wants nothing to do with him and has labeled him as a child molester with no hopes of rehabilitation. I can not even mention my son without him being upset, he says he doesn't want to hear about him. He feels like my son is now a threat to all of the children. My son has never touched them or has been vulgar in any way. My son has been removed from my home due to the younger children we have and he has to be supervised with children younger then 2 years of him. I have a 9 year old son, a 12 year old daughter and he has a 11 year old son.

    We are still in the middle of the juvenile system and trying to figure out where all of this is going to land legally. My family is on one side and hopeful that he was just curious while my S.O is on the opposite side. All I want to do is be with my son and help him through all of this. I am so heartbroken and torn. I have never been without any of my kids. I have been divorced for almost 7 years from my kids father, he has supervised visits and he is not involved in my kids lives very much. My ex-husbands father is in prison for child molestation (my sons grandpa) and my sons fathers rights have been terminated from his oldest daughter due to allegations of child molestation.

    I do not even know what I really want out of this post, maybe not to feel so alone, not to feel shameful that I love my son and want to help him, maybe to feel and hope that with help and time he will be ok or maybe just not to feel anything at all. I have never hurt this bad in my entire life. I cry almost every single day. It has been 2 months and it still hurts. I am so messed up in the head about this and even more so on how I feel so torn in-between my S.O. and my son. My S.O is a wonderful person who has done nothing but provide and love my kids and I. He is an amazing man and I never thought I'd find somebody like him, but now here we are almost at a cross roads in our relationship of should I stay or should I go and this seems to be the thing that will rip our family apart. My kids love him and he loves my kids and his son loves me and I love his son. We have been one big happy family, until this happened...
     
    Lasted edited by : Oct 4, 2017
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    First things first. *HUGS*

    There are so many things here that threw up a red flag... I am not blaming your son at all but think of this, if his grandfather did it, his father is alleged to have done it... You don't suppose it could have been done to your son? Unfortunately these things seem to proliferate. And your heart has got to be in shreds over this. I have no good advice... My SD was on the victim side, and it did nasty things to her emotionally... But we are here for you.
     
  3. 1986 Mom of 3

    1986 Mom of 3 New Member

    I know there is alot of red flags. I have thought of the same thing with if it had been done to him. My son says no one has abused him. But what if he doesn't remember or doesn't want to say? I do not know nor have the answers. I just want to hurry up and get him some help but the juvenile system only goes so fast. I never would have dreamed I would be the parent of a perpetrator. I always worried that one of my kids would be a victim. It has torn my family apart in all kinds of ways. Thank you for replying. I feel so isolated and am scared to talk to people that arw close to me because I know the response isn't going to be in my son's favor nor mine. I understand why..
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    1986

    Welcome and so sorry you have to be here. I do not know anything about this but wanted to offer you a cyber hug because you sure need one.

    It's not easy to be in between two people that you love so much. I'm sure your son feels very confused. I'm also sure that he knows that you love him.

    Do you have ANY support for yourself? Maybe you should see a therapist to help you work through this. You are going to need a lot of support because as you said, the system moves slowly.

    I'm sure more will be along that have experience with this and to offer your support.

    :staystrong:
     
  5. 1986 Mom of 3

    1986 Mom of 3 New Member

    I do not have any support off side my S.O and my mom. I am afraid to talk to people who are close to me. I do not want them knowing and no one I know has been through this. I do not have insurance and an running through my financial resources paying an arm and a leg for an attorney for my son. Thank you for the reply. Anything is better then nothing even if you have no advice from experience for me because I do not have answers for myself. I feel like I have been winging this whole thing in hopes I am doing the right thing when it seems to be that there is no right thing..
     
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Does your son have state health insurance? It usually covers more things than regular insurance. Sometimes you can qualify for it based on the child's needs and not your income. Google your state and SED Waiver. Ask someone at the mental health facility for information.

    Is he in a foster or group home right now? Or juvenile detention?

    This must be so hard on you.

    Ksm
     
  7. 1986 Mom of 3

    1986 Mom of 3 New Member

    He has health medicaid insurance. He is staying with my ex-husbands mother.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We had adopted a foster child who molested my two youngest kids. He was not experimenting. Experimentation is consenual and with like aged peers. It is not with a baby who is four years old when he is fourteen. Please do not normalize this. Fourteen year olds are not interested in four year olds unless something is VERY wrong. That is way dangerous. Your son is not safe around other children. You must not leave him alone with younger, vulnerable kids. Yes, I know how much it hurts. I would not him alone with the other kids. Your boyfriend in my opinion is right about this.

    Our son left with CPS and was not allowed to come back. And we didnt want him to. My other kids were terrified of him. He was tried by the county and found guilty of sexual assault of a minor in the first degree. He had to sign up as a sexual predator. He was 13.

    They put him in a lock up residential home for young sexual predators and he was caught trying to perp in there too.

    I do not know your sons story, but I would take what he did very seriously. He is fourteen. He knows what he did was very very abnormal...why he did it is a mystery...and scary. Whether he has fone it before, likes young girls, etc...you cant know. Please protect your entire family. And yourself.

    Perhaps you and son should move out for now. Unfortunately you dont know if he has been improper with other little kids. We had no idea our son was sexual with our children...they were afraid to tell. While in residential treatment, he admitted he had been molesting young kids for as long as he could remember. He showed fear for himself, but no remorse.

    He had not been caught molesting until in our home. He was asked if he had been molested and he said "I dont think so." But obviously he had been and had blocked it out. Your son was probably molested too, but it is common for the memory of sexual abuse to exist only in the sub conscious. I am thinking your ex did it, even if your son has no memory.

    I am very sorry this is going on. I well know the horror and heartbreak. Breathe deeply and hang on. And try to see your boyfriends point of view. If one of his kids had done this, you would be leery too, right? Take care. Get therapy for yourzelf to help you cope. Your son is in the system now. He will get treatment, even if convicted. And treatment is a step in the right direction.
     
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    Last edited: Oct 4, 2017
  9. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I am so sorry you are here. Unfortunately I do have to agree with SOT. It seems that your son is displaying behavior that he either learned or inherited from his father and his grandfather. It doesn't necessarily mean he was abused by either of them, but perhaps the tendency to molest is passed down from generation to generation. I don't think science has those answers yet.

    It is so difficult to separate our love for our children from their actions. I second the advice you've received to seek professional help if you can. There may be services available to you free of charge.

    If your child did what he is accused of doing then sadly, yes, he must be supervised at all times, particularly around children. If this was our situation I'd probably be responding similarly to your SO. I know that must make you feel unsupported, and I am sorry for that. It's a very difficult situation made even more so by the shame and embarrassment any of us would feel.

    My younger stepson, who is currently recovering from a suicide attempt, was accused of molestation by a friend's parent. It's unclear if the allegations were true. There was never any police involvement. We were told by YS that the mother came to his door and berated him, and told him to stay away from her child.

    We have wondered if younger stepson and this same-sex friend were perhaps experimenting, but younger stepson has many secrets. We suspect sexuality might be one of them. He has a girlfriend but is very defensive about his sexuality and has stated out of the blue numerous times, that he is not gay. Mind you I am a female and I'm married to his mom, we are a lesbian couple. My stepson and I are very close. I don't know if these two things connect at all in his mind. I bring it up to say that we never know what our children are really thinking, planning or doing. Nothing has taught me that more than my family's nightmare of the last month.

    Thinking of you, please get help for yourself, you deserve it and it sounds like you need it.
     
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  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. Medicaid usually pays for therapy for children. PLEASE get your son to a therapist as soon as possible. He won't want to go, but it will look good to the courts. Of course check with his attorney. I would place his emotional well being even above the court case, personally, and insist the attorney find a way to make seeing the counselor work well with the court case.

    It is highly likely your son was abused sexually if his father and grandfather were abusers. Especially if they preferred very young children. Your son may have blocked the memory or forgotten it, or simply been unable to admit it to anyone. I would try contact RAINN to see what resources and insights they could offer you. You can reach them at www.rainn.org or 1-800-656-HOPE . You can also contact your local domestic violence organization to see what resources they have to offer. Usually they can connect you with therapists who work with children who have been sexually abused. They also have programs for abusers.

    You need to keep coming here and talking. You NEED the support. We won't judge you. I promise. We have been through a lot, and we understand. You will hear our stories, and many suggestions. We know that our suggestions and stories won't all apply to your life. Take what works for you and ignore the rest. Don't feel pressured to take every suggestion. We understand that it would be impossible and impractical to do that. Above all, follow your instincts. You have them for a reason. Trust them.

    I stress this because the times I made really big mistakes with my kids are the times that I ignored my instincts. The doctors and lawyers are experts in their fields of study. You are the expert in your children. You carried them in your body and nurtured them for years. The doctors etc... spend a few minutes at a time with them. If what those doctors are telling you does not make sense to you, or goes against what you believe in or know to be true, follow your instincts. Ask questions until it makes sense. Or say no. Make them come up with a better plan.

    Things are very new and up in the air right now. Your feelings are very raw, and so are your SO's. I think that a counselor would be a huge help for you, and maybe one for you and SO together. When you face a crisis like this, it either pulls you together or it tears you apart. A counselor can help you come through it together. Many offer sliding scales. All you have to do is ask if they offer sliding scales for fees when you call to make an appointment. If there is a university near you, many have clinics through their psychology departments. Those usually charge based on what you can afford, and even the wealthiest patient pays a fairly low fee. Usually graduate students conduct the therapy sessions but they are supervised by licensed psychologists who have PhD's. Of course the same confidentiality rules apply that would apply at any counselor's office.

    Welcome to our safe space. I am sorry you needed to find us. It is lovely to meet you. I am sending you a private message. You should see the word "Inbox" in the upper right side of the screen. If you click on it, you will find my message in a few minutes. (((((gentle hugs)))))
     
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  11. 1986 Mom of 3

    1986 Mom of 3 New Member

    SOT...
    I still cannot wrap my head around the fact of, that this child(my son) is bigger than me and was doing things sexually to a 4-year-old. You are right, she is just a baby. A baby I’ll never get to see again and a family that I’ll never get to see grow through the years. My son ruined a good strong family relationship. That is on him.

    Every time my son is around younger kids, especially my own, my eyes and ears are on my son. My son is staying with my ex-husbands mom. Sometimes he visits my mom. My mom thinks I am over reacting and that no one will know if I supervise him or not around her house with my younger kids. Every now and again I see her frustration on when I do not allow the younger kids in a room alone with him. I do it because I know what he has been accused of. It cannot be taking back, as much as I want it to be. My sons attorney, the people in the juvenile office and the detectives all say he needs to be supervised. Also, I will not give CPS the right to try to step in and say that I am not protecting my younger kid when all I do is take care of them. They depend on me to keep them safe and do the right thing.

    My SO is a good person who does good things. We have had no major issues whatsoever until this. His heart is in the right place and he knows mine is to. I know he is hurting because for 3 years he has been daddy to this boy and I know he probably can’t help to think what he could have done better, hell I think the same thing. I try to think of what it that I did or could have done, and a thousand things come into mind, from me leaving his dad sooner to how I parented him to I should have told him not to touch little girls. Who the hell thinks to have to tell a teen not to touch a little girl?

    I couldn’t imagine being in your situation with having my kids molested. From what it sounds like, I may find out later that he could have been molested. I guess ill get there when and if I get to that point. I am hoping that with counseling I can find out why and if he has a serious preference for children, and if so, can he be helped..
     
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  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your son knows that it is inappropriate to touch children so much younger than he is...or not to touch anyone without their consent. He may have done it before and not been caught. That happens a lot until one day they do get caught. My young kids were terrified into silence by him. I would take the younger kids to counseling too. No matter what they say, he could have touched them. Kids feel guilty, like it is their faults, when they are molested, especially by a loved one. For many reasons, they may refuse to tell you about it....guilt, fear, protection of him, etc.

    You are doing the right thing to supervise son around other children. Your mother is in denial.

    After we found out that the boy we loved had molested our young kids, we called CPS and asked for his removal. We did not see him again. So we do not know if he got help that worked. I have seen him on FB. He now has three small girls. It makes me shudder.

    I hope you can stand strong. Good luck to all of you.
     
  13. 1986 Mom of 3

    1986 Mom of 3 New Member

    CULT
    I am having such a hard time understanding why and or how it got passed to my son. I left his dad when he was 7. I didn’t find out about the sexual allegations by my stepdaughter until after I left his dad. His rights did not get terminated from his oldest daughter until approximately a year or 2 after I left him. My sons grandfather has been in prison since the 90ies. I believe he went to prison while my ex-husband was still in grade school. My ex-husband said he was never molested but I know sometimes people don’t remember or they do not want to say.

    I am looking for help for myself and not coming up with anything around the area. I am going to keep looking through. My SO makes me feel unsupportive, it hurts and it is hard to see past the love of my child. I try to see it from his point of view. We are both coming from opposite sides. Our love for one another goes very deep and all of the heartache is devastating. When we talk about my son and it leaves me in tears, all he can do is hold me. He doesn’t want to hurt me. This is just hard on us all the way around, no one wins in this argument. All of my hopes and dreams have been shattered and redirected.

    People get weird when it comes to other people liking the same sex. Especially when it comes to their own kids being friends with a child who has parents of the same sex. They think that it will rub off on their kids. Who knows what is running through this parents head. And kids get confused at one time or another when it comes to sexuality. We have all been there.

    I just want to open up my childs brain and tweak it and we wire it. I thought it got easier as kids got older but this is the hardest thing that I have ever been through in my life, including puberty…
     
  14. 1986 Mom of 3

    1986 Mom of 3 New Member

    SOT.
    I would shudder to with him having girls. With how my sons grandpa, dad and now my son has all played out from generation to generation, I really worry about when and or if he reproduces. This has got to stop somewhere, somehow. Thank you for replying to me
     
  15. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Many years ago I worked in a locked facility for boys who acted out sexually in similar ways to your son. They received intensive therapy and in some cases were ordered by the court to undergo chemical castration, which removed their sex drive.

    There are ways to help sex offenders but if they do not truly wish to control their impulses, these efforts are not very effective.

    I hope your son understands the seriousness of this situation and accepts the consequences and help he will be offered.
     
  16. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    Dump the S.O.!

    You need support and also to learn all about this. Need to be able to go to therapy with your son having an open mind and be willing to learn new things - learn about treatment. You can't also be fighting your S.O. during this process. With a positive environment and help, your son can get through this process faster.
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The generational thing could be because grandpa molested dad who molested son. Actually, our child perped on both a little girl and a little boy. He held a knife to them and made the 4 and 6 year old have sex, but also did it to them himself. Then he said he was The Devil and very powerful and that if they told anyone he could light the house on fire and kill everyone. He perped for three years. I feel so guilty, but we had no clue.

    We (husband and I) had told both little ones to always let us know if anybody touched them. We thought we had it covered. We were very close. All of us.

    In the end, they felt so powerless with this boy that they believed he would kill us if they told on Boy so they did not.

    This is a very touchy subject. It is one of those things where we rarely know the specifics...why, was this the only time, can he learn to control it, etc. There are no good answers. My sin had been in five foster homes before us. By his admission, he had molested younger kids, evrn infants, since he was five years old. He was not caught until age 13. In our home. He had the outward veneer of a sweet, innocent child just looking for love and we gave h

    I think, rather than genetic, this is fue to generational molestation. My two kids who were molested are adults now. Theu both know they wereolested, but neither child can remember it happening. Fortinately, both kids got excellent therapy and are doing really well.

    Please...take the younger ones for help too. Even if he didnt touch them, this is a trauma to know ehat their brother did.

    You certainly can support your son whether you stay eith SO or not, but dont downplay how serious this is and dont let him around younger kids.

    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2017
  18. 1986 Mom of 3

    1986 Mom of 3 New Member

    CULT

    They were looking into putting him into a facility but they were all full. I am hoping once they get him into therapy and counseling we will figure out how deep this is and in which ways to help him. If him not being able to reproduce was one of them, then so be it. I wouldn't be happy about it, but nothing about this situation has made me happy. My son wants the help and knows what he did was wrong. I just hope he means what he says and he can get the help..
     
  19. 1986 Mom of 3

    1986 Mom of 3 New Member

    PRAECEPTA
    I am at a cross roads with it. We haven't gotten as far as counseling yet but I am patiently waiting for us to arrive at that point. I do need him there to be a positive support system without all the arguing that sets me back by days and devastates me. I do not think he realizes how much the arguing affects me. This is all new to me and him both and I am hoping that we can meet in the middle somewhere as he has said recently. As time moves on he has to be there for me and play a positive role in this or Ill have to leave and do this on my own. Which is not where I want our relationship to go. But if it comes down to helping my son and our relationship gets into the way of that, then Ill have to step away from it.
     
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  20. 1986 Mom of 3

    1986 Mom of 3 New Member

    SOT
    That’s how I saw my son, as a smart sweet and innocent child. It has blown my mind. The other kids do not know what happened, the boys are 9 and 11, the girl is 12. I haven’t told them. They just know he did something bad and he is in a lot of trouble for it. I don’t know how to tell them. I don’t think they are old enough to tell. I don’t want to mess them up by telling them. I haven’t down played to my son how serious this is, I see him maybe once a week and we don’t even talk about it anymore. We are all just waiting for the juvenile system to figure out what needs to be done next. I have tried to do that in my mind though to make myself feel better and in hopes that this is just a one time thing. I know he needs help and so do I. I know that what he has done is not right. I hope that my younger kids have not been messed with and I believe they haven’t. I just want the cycle to stop..
    I am so sorry that you took in a child and he did that to your kids. That must have been very hard. I am so glad they do not remember as I hope that the little girl involved in this doesn't remember either. I hope she has a good productive life and will overcome what has happend to her.
     
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