A blow-up, a revelation, and ....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TeDo, Jun 13, 2011.

  1. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    nothing changes and no one believes me. This is what happened yesterday/last night. We went to a family gathering out of town yesterday. difficult child had to sit WAY in the back of the vehicle we were all in on the way there. When it came time to leave (driver said "I'm leaving") difficult child told me he didn't want to sit way back there again. I told him I would trade places with him. My 19 year old niece had other ideas. SHE was going to sit in my place and difficult child HAD to go to the way back. Driver, my sister, did not hear this conversation as she was impatiently waiting in the vehicle to leave. difficult child starts walking away to calm down (I knew this), Driver opens the window and yells for him to "GET IN HERE! I'M NOT WAITING FOR YOU!" difficult child yells back to go ahead and leave him there. Driver then turns on me and yells at me to do something about that kid. Now, I am squished in the WAY back of her vehicle and it took me 5 minutes to get there. I was in no position to go anywhere. Niece gets out and goes to get difficult child, grabbing him and bear-hugging him while carrying him, kicking and screaming, to the vehicle. difficult child gets in, starts crying hysterically. Driver goes off on me some more about how THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT KID! and HE NEEDS A GOOD SWIFT KICK IN THE BUTT! I kind of lost it and yelled back that yes, he has a problem but YOU HAVE NO IDEA! I have never told them about his Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) because they (sister and mom) are convinced that the reason difficult child is the way he is is because I spoil him and give in to him all the time. When he was diagnosis'd at age 4 with ADHD, they didn't believe that either. They were convinced, and still are, that he doesn't have it, it is overdiagnosed, and that he is just spoiled. Nothing will ever change their mind so why bother.

    Driver (sister) and niece go to my mom's house after they drop us off. Mom was unable to go because she had back surgery on Monday. I knew driver and niece would give mom an ear full so I avoided calling mom. I didn't want to hear any more. Well, mom calls me late last night and says "so what is (difficult child's) problem". I told her he has a form of autism because I didn't want to lie about it. She, of course, didn't believe me because he is so smart and she has never heard of anything like this on any of the doctor shows (she watches Dr Phil) or talk shows (she watched Oprah and The Talk). She then proceded to give me examples of times when "he has whined until he got his way" (I pick my battles after getting his point of view) and "we don't ever see him get punished" (ask easy child/difficult child and difficult child and then tell me he never gets punished). She even had the gall to ask "you wouldn't lie about his health to make excuses for him, would you?" I told her that these are exactly the reasons why I don't tell any of them anything anymore. She wanted to know why I would not tell them and let them go on thinking he's a spoiled brat. I told her because they've had their minds made up for so long that nothing I can say will ever change that (they are stubbornly single-minded people and are always right) so why waste my breath. In the same conversation, she proved me right!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You can't educate people who have made up their minds.

    I'm sorry you both had to go through this. And I understand.
  3. amy1129

    amy1129 New Member

    [HR][/HR]Why is it that the people we need to support us are not with us? My parents, my aunt, my grandparents, friends, siblings, etc dont see what I see, they dont live with him, they dont understand....I need my parents the most right now, and if they ask about therapy, they always sneek in, "he is just a boy, he has you wrapped around his finger, he never pulls that SH#$ with us, he knows what he can and cant get away with with you, he wins every single time". ARGH I hate it. The few times the gsf acts like the boy I know well and love, they say "he was fine until you got here". I have seen them snap or yell at him and I want to cry, maybe they are happy tears cause I am like, finally you feel how I feel daily. But then they turn to me and say, "that is how you deal with him". UGH UGH UGH Just know that we are here and feel your pain and sympathize with you. I may not be able to offer much advice, I am a new parent on this board and I am so happy to know you guys are here.
  4. Tedo,

    I am also so sorry you both had to go through this. I completely understand. My mom, who voices understanding of autism, periodically tells me that difficult child "rules the house". The underlying criticism is that I'm not doing my job. Fortunately I pay that all of the attention which it is worth, which is none. But you were in a stressful situation there. I'm sending gentle hugs your way......

  5. keista

    keista New Member

    Well, if she's "NEVER" heard it on any of her Dr shows, then she's NOT watching said Dr shows. Asperger's especially is EVERYWHERE you look these days. Send her these links.

    DR Phil and autism

    Oprah and Autism

    The Talk and Autism

    I bet if you google just about any show she's inclined to watch, it has at one point or another covered ASDs
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yeah....Holly is very big on autism especially. She has an autistic son and runs an autism charity that I cant think of the name of right now.
  7. trouble

    trouble New Member

    Its called being caught between a rock and a hard place.

    Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kid, crowded & noisy situation, around people who don't support you, with no control over the situation.... = guaranteed disaster at some point.

    Learn to see it coming, and then pick which unpopular decision you're going to make, ahead of time... some ideas are:
    1) Don't go.
    2) Don't go unless YOU are the driver and in control of the situation
    3) Drive separately (reduce the noise, confusion, etc. AND be in control of when to arrive and when to leave).

    Trust me - you won't be liked for ANY of the above, but it sounds like they don't really "like" you anyway... so...

    We've had to go with 1) and/or 3) as our only options - and as a result, our phone NEVER rings. We are simply NOT wanted - by absolutely ANYONE. This is really hard to explain to the kids.
    But the only other option is to continually push the challenging kid over the edge, and create total chaos for WEEKS - and not be wanted because of the kid's behavior. We got to the point where having support of friends and family simply isn't worth it any more - we'd rather preserve the kid. So, we run solo. But its REALLY HARD.
  8. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I'm so sorry. Families are hard to begin with and add on a child with a disability and well.....The only place we have ever felt support is outside the families. We decided years ago if they couldn't except our son'e ADHD and the fact that these huge gatherings were overstimulating, we wouldn't go. We tried going for short periods of time and then we were in trouble for being "antisocial", or not valuing the family. We tried explaining and asking for support-addmitting our son had a problem would mean they would have to accept that he came from there family. You know, "There's nothing wrong with our gene pool." It was easier to blame the DL or SL for being bad parents.
    This hurts. We understand. Know that we care and are here.