A rude comment

[familyof5]

Okay, I believe my son has sensory integration disorder. My neighbor has a very loud remote controll plus gas powered "toy". My son took one look at it and said "not again!". The neighbor then said to him "What are you a little girl?" I felt that was so rude to say to my son and wanted to say something to him. Loud noises really do bother him. How can I say something without sounding like an over protective mother?

 

[totoro]

Hmmm? This is a hard one. Both of my Daughters have Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) and when we lived up in Idaho and we also just spent the summer up there. We had THE neighbor form blank who felt entitled to do whatever he chose.
He had a backhoe, tractors, motorcycles etc...
we were on an acre but they were long and narrow. So he was always puttering, he was in his 70's.

The girls would scream with their hands over their ears. He knew they had issues. His wife made comments to him.
Did he care? NOPE
His dumb son our age would come to visit on weekends and bring his boat up and dock start (which is illegal) open up the engine on the boat right by where the girls were swimming...

Needless to say some neighbors are just plain rude and inconsiderate.

It all depends on how often- how truly loud, and if it your child can go inside for times he is doing this. We just had to accommodate and work our lives around our jerky neighbor.

Some may listen to reason and work with you if you have a good relationship, but with his comment it seems like he is not very reasonable.

Maybe it breaks some kind of noise violation? LOL

 

[susiestar]

Why not ask what is wrong with being a girl??? Sounds like he is a fool, and I would be very tempted to say "Better a girl than a loud mouthed idiot like you". Sometimes my mouth gets away from me when I am upset and then I say things like that.

 

[AnnieO]

We have a neighbor like this. His girlfriend has warned him over and over. All summer it's been quiet, but last night at 9:45 PM, he started revving the engine of his GTO. Oh yes - no muffler. The police have been called by multiple neighbors - and nothing gets done.

The next guy over, instead of asking husband to move his business trailer from our front yard (on gravel, on our property, nice and neat) because "it's hard for me to back out" (HELLO, there was GRASS there before that you avoided running over, how can this be HARD? YOUR daughter's BOYFRIENDS park in our YARD!) - called the police, who came out, took a look, and told him - gee, it's all the way on our property AND parked properly. Guy could have asked husband nicely. LOL - husband would have moved it.

So there's no good way to tell someone they're being rude - because one, they won't listen or two, they'll make it worse. Only occasionally do they have no clue. I agree with Susie - better a girl than a moron...

 

[susiestar]

Why not get earplugs for your family and sit difficult child outside with EVERY pot. pan and metal container you have - and a nice object to pound on them with? HE will have earplugs in, so he can bang away until his heart is content - for HOURS. I would probably PAY my child to do it after a comment like that from a neighbor.

Earplugs are very inexpensive at walmart - get the foam kind that squish down and go in your ears, if difficult child can stand them. Otherwise go to a place that sells guns and get those for him.

What other VERY NOISY activities have you kept difficult child from doing because it might annoy the neighbors? Time to enjoy ALL of them, one after another. Then when neighbor complains you can offer to stop these activities (though he is being a little girl about them) if he stops the use of the remote control car. Be sure to make the little girl comment (I am BAD. Off to my corner)

I am quite sure that a difficult child can find ways to make a TON of loud noises if given the opportunity, a little guidance, and earplugs so they noises don't bother them. Be sure you have enough earplugs for the whole family!

 

[Marguerite]

You may find that a difficult child with sensory issues especially to loud noises, can learn to self-densitise by making loud noise himself - he has control. Cap guns are good. difficult child 3 has been buying party poppers then taking them apart to play with the little firework inside. Another good one for a kid with Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) to work up to, is an inflated balloon and a pin - HE has to be the one to burst the balloon!

What really upsets these kids is not having control over the noise.

Marg

 

[Rannveig]

I don't have Sensory Integration Disorder (SID), but that kind of noise would upset me as well; I sympathize with your son! That said, depending on his age, maybe what he said came across as rude to your neighbor? And then maybe the neighbor reacted emotionally and defensively. I think what the neighbor said was very inappropriate and stupid (and I would tell my child that later in private), but I'm just trying to understand how this unpleasant exchange could have happened. Would it be possible to approach your neighbor and explain where your son's exclamation came from and ask if maybe your two families could get a fresh start, including due regard for the child's sensitivities?

But I think what you say to the neighbor is less important than what you say to your son, who will have to deal with insensitive bullies for the rest of his life (as we all do). I would dissect what the neighbor said with my child and make sure he understood how patently absurd it was and that it wasn't the way our family looks at these matters. This is a skill your son can use in future to diffuse the pain from people's callous behavior. At least, it seems to have worked with my kids.

Sincerely, Ranny

 

[susiestar]

Ranny and Marg have good points. Esp about having difficult child make his own loud noises - ones he can control. If you don't want cap guns around (we had major problems every time Wiz had any sort of gun, and he could make them out of cooked spaghetti!) you can get the cap gun refills that are the little rolls and let him pound on them with a hammer on the sidewalk. He can roll them out and do them one at a time or he can try to do several at once by stacking them on top of each other. It is a wonderful outlet for aggression - worked wonders for Wiz.

You DO have to live next door to this neighbor, so maybe trying to work out an arrangement would be a good idea. The neighbor probably doesn't have any clue about what the noise does to your difficult child, esp if difficult child engages in loud activities when he is in control.

 

[Marguerite]

I had drafted something you could say to difficult child about this. Certainly, I would recommend role-play with difficult child to help him learn how to handle this sort of interaction in the future.

First, although difficult child was being honest and open, that is not always a good thing and can be misinterpreted (as I feel it was this time). Say to difficult child, "What is your favourite toy?" then explain to him that to someone else, it could seem a stupid choice, or bad for him, or too immature. How would difficult child feel if someone said that, just as he was trying to share with them how happy he was in his toy? Of course difficult child would feel angry and hurt. How would he respond? What would be safe way to respond? Perhaps a good response could be, "I'm sorry you don't like it. That's OK, it's your right to have your own opinion." Then leave the topic. Never try to convince someone to think the way you do, is the lesson for today.

Now go to the situation with neighbour. You be the neighbour, showing off a new toy. How could difficult child have handled his distaste for the noise, while still not offending difficult child neighbour? Perhaps difficult child could say, "It looks like fun, but I don't like loud noises." Or maybe just, "It looks like fun, I prefer quieter toys."

"You" statements are generally perceived as more confrontational. Neighbour's response was a classic offensive "you" statement - "What are you, a girl?" It's equivalent to saying, "You're a wimp!"
Neighbour should have shown more maturity, of course. But if you can show difficult child that not all adults get it right, but it is important to not try to correct other people; be responsible for your own behaviour, not the behaviour of others. And accept, not correct, the lack in others. As we want them to accept the lack in us!

This way you can turn the whole experience into a positive one, that helps difficult child see it in a positive light, see himself as acceptable and accepted (by you) and devalue anything negative from neighbour.

Never lose an opportunity to improve your child's education and self-esteem!

Marg