Adoptive moms question???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mrscatinthehat, Mar 17, 2008.

  1. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Adoptive moms I have a question for you. Something happened today that really upset me and has when this type of thing has happened on other occaisions. Maybe I shouldn’t be so sensitive but I had to ask this of some of you.
    Doesn’t it bother you (or maybe it doesn’t happen to you) when service providers refer to you as the adoptive/step mother and the other woman as their mom? We got some paper work today and it listed me as adoptive mom and the egg donor as mother. Well # one I wanted to know why she was even on the paperwork. The JCO explained that was just informational. Well it isn’t helpful. Not to difficult child not to us. I mean I know I am his mom that is not in doubt. But why keep throwing her information at a child that can’t handle it. I was disregarded on this and it made me so mad.
    At this time I let it go (as if I had a choice).
    I mean anyone can create a child but not everyone can be a parent. We all know this but for some reason these folks just don’t get it.
    Her name should not be included in reports anymore with difficult child 2 as she has no rights there at all. If they want to include her information in something do it in the histories that I know they have. That is more than plenty.
    Does this happen to others or is this just one of my perks? How do you all handle it?
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Honestly, I'd be livid. The only reason I would want the biomom even mentioned in official records is for medical and psychological purposes. Even then, it should be specifically stated she is the biological mother, not the mom, not the parent.

    I think the phrase that gets to me more than any other is "real mom." To me, that's the person who raised the child, who sat up nights praying and worrying, who visited the ER at 3 am, who held her child as she cried her eyes out for whatever reason. I really get snappish when people put me into a second-class role as a mother because my child didn't come out of my womb.

    Strangely, I have no problem with my daughter wanting to love her biomom. She should! This woman wasn't much of a parent for 3 years but she really did do the best she could. Drugs had defeated her long before she got pregnant and yet she managed to stay off of drugs for 8 months for her foetus. She truly loved her child as much as she could, it just wasn't enough.

    That being said, I AM my daughter's mother, mom, mommy and I'll be danged if I'll let anyone put another in that spot -- either verbally or on paper!
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Not an adoptive mom here but what happened would really upset me too. YOU are the childs mother, the bio is simply

    We have a somewhat similar situation with my oldest son. I left his dad when he was not even a year old. Divorce took longer because the man ran and I couldnt locate him for years to serve him. My current partner has been Billy's "father" since he was two. Billy had seen his bio father only twice in the first 18 years of his life and that was because I was nice enough to let Billy go visit his paternal grandparents in FL the only two times they asked.

    WE refer to Tony as "his father" or "your dad" anytime we are talking to people. Tony considers Billy as his son too.

    These things shouldnt be a big deal. I have had to use bio's health information a time or two but that is it.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm an adoptive mom and I would be beyond furious if that happened! I'm so sorry you had to deal with this and angry that you were disregarded when you brought it up!:nono:
  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Beth, that would make me furious too.
    I'm not an adoptive mom, but I am a stepmom, and I get this too. This, despite the fact that difficult child says, "N isn't my real mom, Trinity is."

    I agree with Meowbunny, that on any paperwork or other documentation, the egg donor should be listed as biomom, not "mom". You're the mom.

    I think that some people in the system get funny rules in their heads about how things are supposed to work, and then apply them unilaterally, regardless of the individual circumstances, people's wishes, or the detrimental effect on the child in care. Makes me furious too.

    Sorry for your hurting heart.

  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I've seen "foster mother" and "stepmother" on forms and I ALWAYS make sure that is corrected. Ignorance reigns.
  7. Christy

    Christy New Member

    As an adoptive mom, I totally agree with you. You are THE mom. The only mom that has a say in making decisions about difficult child. The only place where bio-mom should be mentioned in in medical histories.

    My personal pet peeve, is when I tell doctors., counselors, etc. that our difficult child came to live with us as a foster child when he was four and they still ask me question after question about the pregency, early development, etc.. I wish I knew but even after several, "I don't know" responses, they still cotinue to ask question after question like they are waiting for me to invent answers!
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am an adoptive mom. We've never had that problem. If it happened, someone's head would be lopped off.
    You must make it clear that unless it has psychological or medical value, it does not belong anywhere on anyone's paperwork. Period.
    Good luck.
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've never had that happen either and frankly I am really surprised that any government agency or otherwise would refer to an adoptive parent in any document that way. I also have never had anyone question me further when I stated my child was adopted. I do feel as though society is becoming more sensitive to these issues and hopefully that will continue so these kind of remarks are eliminated.

  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think it happens more often when your child is a different race from you.
  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    It happens ALL THE TIME for me. Generally in anything related to their psychiatric care. I know it is because the older two have PTSD from abuse suffered in previous homes and it is to clarify that I am not the mom that abused them, but it still causes a twinge.
  12. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    In our case, it's never really come up but I would be LIVID if it did. The few times it has been an issue was similar to what someone else said. Myself and husband will be listed as the adoptive parents because of the abuse situation or something similar.

    I've also had questions regarding birth and/or early childhood. Sometimes the person asking gets it and sometimes they keep on like I'm going to suddenly remember a pregnancy or toddler that I never had.

    I would definately say something though. If they need the medical background, fine. But make them change it. Aside from the fact that you are the mom in everything that counts, you are also the LEGAL mom and there is no reason for that type of thing to happen.