All of a sudden husband is

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by timer lady, Jul 15, 2008.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    threatening to leave. He has been stressed & very angry the last couple of weeks. After what I thought would be a good respite weekend together alone, husband announces that he cannot take special needs children AND a sick wife.

    I'm beyond hurt - I'm numb. kt overheard husband yelling at me & she's a nervous wreck.

    He's heading out of town this coming weekend - heading out to a cabin in the woods someplace up north. Leaving me here with kt & no PCA help (she's asked for & been given this coming Friday & Saturday off for family). I'm a bit panicked - if kt goes off the deep end will I be able to physically handle it?

    The MXT causes me to sleep so deeply during the day I miss much of what is going on. I caught kt taking a PRN medication today with-o asking. So medications are locked up again - I have to track this stuff.

    I just don't understand. I've handled so much more in the past 8 years. husband is working (thank god) & taking kt to therapist appts. He visits wm for an hour a week.

    He's unhappy & doesn't want to deal with this. I fear he isn't taking his medications or that he's started drinking again. I can't tell which right now. If it's a matter of medications, he just needs to do it - if he's choosing alcohol over family again I'd prefer he doesn't come home this coming weekend.

    Thanks for listening....I'm too tired for this kind of nonsense & betrayal. Too old & too far into this.
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Linda -

    I am so saddened to read this. But, I am also livid. Betrayal is such an accurate word.

    With everything you've done for him and for your family, everything you've sacrificed, all that you've endured, and now he's saying he can't deal with it?!! He's being selfish. Yes, I'm sure it's stressful. That's what the big boy pants are for.

    I'm so sorry for everything you are having to go through. This isn't fair to you, nor to kt, nor to wm.

    I think in light of this, it might be wise to get the PCA back in place for the weekend. If kt is worried that dad isn't going to come back...I just think you should have that extra support.

    Many hugs to you, my friend.

  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    John Lennon said it so well - "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."

    You didn't plan on developing whatever-it-is, you don't exactly enjoy life this way either. None of us gets to choose; you didn't get sick because you had a choice, or because you enjoy it, or because you wanted to particularly torture him.

    I also would like to wave a magic wand and make life as rosy and perfect as possible; but it doesn't work that way.

    When it comes to doing our best to cope, I have found that keeping myself as on-the-ball as I can (within my limitations) is the best way to be. I long ago gave up going to all-night parties, or pouring myself a double vodka as soon as I walked in the door from work. Once we had kids, I discovered that even staying awake all night to finish that novel is NOT a good idea when you have to hold yourself together the next day, to cope with the kids. Having a stiff drink in the evening when the kids are still up - not conducive to good coping skills.

    He didn't sign up for this - but neither did you. Life isn't about picking and choosing, in this situation.

    Tibet didn't choose to be invaded by China. Indonesia didn't choose to get pounded by a huge tsunami.

    I could go on.

    When the chips are down, we keep on going. Life brings responsibilities. When we take on those responsibilities we mustn't look back. Remember what happened to Lot's wife, when she looked back.

    If I keep on going like this I'm going to be mixing some pretty appalling metaphors - like a pillar of salt which has feet of clay!

    Hang in there, Linda.

  4. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Linda, what does your husband have in his life for support? Male friends, counselor, faith, etc? Those supports can be really helpful for ongoing help and at crisis points.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry Linda. I hope he can resolve things with-o leaving or causing more difficult child-type drama. This really stinks - he is totally being selfish right now.


  6. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Linda! I'm in southern NYC, are you anywhere nearby? I'll come stay for the weekend. I'd be able to get as far as Delaware and up to Connecticut before I run out of gas to get home.

    If you're not, methinks it's time to call in the cavalry. It's only Tuesday, I remember when you were getting ready to go see family (I think it was last fall) and they were within driving distance. I know it's a personal decision and you may not want to reveal too much to family, but you need to see if anyone will help you out and here's why:

    With your condition(s), stress is clearly a mitigating factor is how you've been recovering. Aside from the obvious, you've got some serious reasons to be spiraling into a depression that's got to be feeding your other physical issues.

    SRL has a really good point. husband has been trying so hard to be "Mr. Ideal Guy" which was probably fueled by guilt over past behaviors/issues/problems, that he really has no where to turn. While I think his timing/tactics are outrageous, it's really not a big surprise that he's having a meltdown of his own.

    While my initial reaction was to offer to go "kick some patootie", I tried to keep in mind that for someone who used to escape by drinking, he's endured far more than most recovering alcoholics are usually presented with.

    I'll be here in NY waiting for orders OR you need to call someone in the family (it could even be an older neice or nephew that has some free summer time) to come and give you a hand for a few days - hell, even stay for a little while AFTER husband gets back - to lessen the pressure. KT might really enjoy an older cousin who could be a "mentor" over the weekend!

    Oh, and who the heck cares if there are dust bunnies, dishes in the sink and your hair could use a coloring? They're family for pete's sake! If they love you, who cares what anything looks like, if they don't, who cares what they think!

    You always have us!

  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He is feeling sorry for himself. I am not sure what to say about him. I feel for him & you in this situation. I can not even imagine the emotional roller coaster you have both been on for the last 8 years. It takes its toll.

    I think I understand his point.
    But, I understand your point, too.

    For him to walk out would certainly be betrayal.
    Maybe he just needs his pity party for a weekend.

    I don't know.

  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I'm sorry to hear this but it's not really too suprising. You are dealing with a cronic illness and so is he. No, he's not suffering the physical pain and limitations you are, but he's suffered all the same.

    I'm in no way excusing his behavior and seemingly intent to give up. He's been parenting wm basically by himself since you've been ill and his life has changed right along with yours. He's obviously reached a point where he felt his only alternative was to throw a temper tantrum, throw his hands up and give up.

    If he has not had a place to come and vent his frustrations, voice his dissappointments, and relieve his stress, it's understandable that he's about to blow (or has blown).

    Perhaps this weekend in a cabin can refocus his priorities. It stinks that he has dropped this on you at this time. I certainly hope he has not turned back to the bottle as a way to cope, which we know is not coping at all.

    You are smark to lock away all the medications. Anyway there is a sub PCA that can step in this weekend? What is normally done if the PCA is ill and supposed to be there? Is there someone else in the pipeline that can step in? What about one of your sisters? Could one of them come for the weekend in a pinch?

    Keep us posted Linda.

    We are here.

  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Linda}}} This totally stinks and is unfair. You've BOTH worked hard and sacrificed A LOT - it's been stressful for BOTH of you. I agree with SRL about H having some type of support outside the home.

    It sounds like he's been running on auto pilot for a while now without leaning or getting any support for himself.

    We can all be strong for a long time, but at some point, we have to reach out to others. As a recovering alcoholic does he still attend meetings or have a sponsor? Will someone be accompanying him to the cabin in the woods? If so, is it a healthy person he can talk with openly?

    Linda, please try and get the help you need for the weekend at the very least. You will need it. And no one needs to know exactly why - just that you need help. I'm so sad and sorry that H has dropped this on your lap. I hope you and he can work things out.
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I am so very sorry. Do you have a family counselor or at least a close friend with a good head on their shoulders who you trust, who you can talk to together? Perhaps it is largely a matter of working on somet hings.
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am saddened to read this. It isn't fair and makes me angry. Yes, husband needs supports in place and he needs to seek them out. I hope a weekend away will help him realize that he needs to get that help and not leave.

    I wish I could come up your way to help this weekend-we will be out of town in the opposite direction.

    I'm sorry all of this has happened.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful



    I'm so sorry.

    Call in your family to help. That's what they're there for.

    Wish I had more to offer, but the others have covered what I would've said. I agree with Marg.

  13. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I am so sorry Linda. I have realized thru the years that some people can handle more daily stressors than others, and he just may very well have hit his overload. I do wish he would choose a better time to "run away" and have a calgon moment. I hope you can find someone to help you out this weekend.

    Hang in there, I sure hope it gets better.
  14. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Linda, men for the most part have a lot of strengths, but I really don't think they are equipped mentally to deal with what most women handle on a daily basis without even thinking about it.

    Being a caregiver of someone who has a cronic illness, to be honest, it pretty much s ucks, and when you have to deal with difficult child(s) on top of it, and hold down a job, and take care of the house its pretty understandable that one will absolutely implode at times. The stress is overwhelming. And if you don't have someone to talk to, or some way of destressing, it can and will bring you to your knees. There were days I just wanted to get in the car and start driving and never loop around back home.
    Respite care for me was Danny in juvy, psychiatric hospital or Residential Treatment Center (RTC), or SO in ICU or a convalescent home recovering from surgery. There were times I wanted to scream at one or the other of them how unfair their illnesses were, and how sick and tired of dealing with them, that I never signed up for this part of my life. I kept it all in, I think not so much that I would say something so appaling to them, but more so if I started unleashing, I would absolutely start to unravel and there would be no good end to it. No way could I even begin to fall apart. Its just so painful to see someone you love with really bad health problems, and there is absolutely nothing you can do.

    I hope your husband does not start drinking again, and the solitude of a weekend away brings him back refreshed. As much as he loves you and the kids, he may desperately need this break although he could have said so in a gentler way than yelling at you.

    And I hope you can call someone in over the weekend to stay with you and KT

  15. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    I can understand needing to get away and even being stressed enough to think about leaving permanently, but I am livid for you that he is taking his break on a weekend when you have no help, and that he yelled at you, AND that kt heard.

    Like the others, I am wondering if he has a friend to go out with, or a hobby he takes interest in, so he can take emotional breaks more often without leaving you high and dry?

    Hopefully the much-needed but ill-timed break will rejuvenate him enough to come back and be where he's supposed to be, and at least try to work things out.

  16. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Heartbreaking. I am so sorry you are faced with this. While I understand husband's feelings, it is inexcusable to walk away. I hope he has an attack of conscience this wekend and realizes what he is doing is wrong. A break now and again is necessary but this was obviously not agood time to leave you as you did not have help. I hope you make it through this weekend and husband rethinks his "for better or for worse" vows. You have been through so much and this is no time to quit. I pray that he realizes this and husband can find a time for respite that is not at your expense.

  17. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Linda, I am so sorry.

    Like others have said, I see both sides. When one reaches their limit, they have reached their limit, so I can't fault husband for admitting it - however, to threaten to walk and not come That is not really an option.

    I hope you can find a way to get some help for the weekend and let husband get away, AND I hope you have a chance to talk with him before he goes, AND I PRAY he sees that he really needs to come back on Monday and play the hand he's been dealt. Mine stinks, and yours stinks much worse, but quitting solves nothing.
  18. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Hugs, Linda. He chose a bad time to have a meltdown, but as others said, I kind of understand.

    husband and I are not together right now and honestly I didn't think we'd ever reunite. But, some away time has made me realize (and him) how much we love and need each other. If I would have had the option of going to a cabin in the woods for a few days...I would have ran out the door. BUT, I wouldn't leave someone who needed care in the lurch.

    Hopefully you'll find that this is not directed at you. It's directed at life and some days/weeks/years can take a toll on you. You need to take care of YOU right now. Call your family. Maybe this cabin break will be the break he needs to continue on.

    It might be a bit of a drive for me to come be with you...haha...NY? But, I would if I could.

  19. ML

    ML Guest

    I echo what others have said. Now is the time to call in resources to help. My instincts tell me that he just needs a few days alone to figure things out and he'll come to the conclusion that walking away from his life will bring him incredible sorrow. Sure, it's tough now, but look at how far you've come raising your amazing kids. Do whatever you must to take care of *you* right now. I'm very sorry you have to deal with ths. Hugs, ML
  20. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I'm really sorry about this Linda. I hope he is just stressed an not drinking. That would really send things to a whole new level. He probably needs to get away...probably bad timing, but as you and he need respite from the tweedles, he probably needs respite from all of it. You are both dealing with so much right now.

    Linda, is there anyway that you can have someone come in and take care of some of the housework and/or cooking or other stuff? Maybe taking away some of the added responsiblities from him can lessen the stress that he's dealing with.