Allowing husband to parent difficult child

[compassion]

A long prswnt issue came up yesterday in our family session. Until June, I felt I was essentially single parenting difficult child:it was very overwhellming: I was the nurtruer and the limit setter and he pretty much came home and withdrew and left the nitty gritty to me. I was so frustrated ,resentful. I would try to talk to h im,he just really could not "get it". When difficult child started acting our majorally in the summer, I landed in a therapist's office in tears, I can't do this alone anymore. Well, things are a lot better. He does take more of a role, we are a more united front today and often difficult child, the expert on triangualtion and playing each other, does not like it. All week, it has been ahuge struggle as she wants me to take her to a medical appointment. and we have both decided not to do this: techs will.
Yesterday, she was crying a lot about wanting dad's attenntion. This is like a major breakthrough. For so many years, I was like single parent with this child. She really needs Dad and that is coming through. Her hoptiliation is very difficult on husband and he is a near colapse. I was the meanie, it was me at times that was targted as haivng a difficult time with difficult child. Not really true, and this came out big time yesterday. It is me that is so open and loving and expressive to her and she craves more from Dad. That was pivitol and by me backing off some, the truth came out.
My deal is trying to detach and let him work stuff out, by me backing off and haivn g him take more of a role, stuff is shifting and that is good but kind of weird.
Compassion

 

[Marguerite]

Can you get him to lurk here? It really helps me and my husband to stay on the same page. And we started out form a point of being good communicators with each other, we didn't think there was any room for improvement. But it has been amazing for us.

I post here often during the day or maybe later at night Aussie time. husband mostly lurks during his lunch break at work, or sometimes at home. Sometimes I might say something he disagrees with, or sometimes I might say somwthing that I've tried to tell him, but in the few seconds' grab here or there that ias our lot when we have difficult children at home clamouring for our attention. It is only when either of us can sit at the computer and communicate with the CD board (or read) that we have larger chunks of uninterrupted time to either say what we need to (in one chink) or to read it. That has helped, because then husband will come home form work and say, "I read your post today. I hadn't realised the situation was quigte like that, but once I read it I think I understood better. But I have a couple of questions..."

The other thing that helps, do try to do this - try to have a few minutes after husband gets home from work (or you do - whichever way it goes) where you can each get your cup of tea and go sit quietly away from kids, and share about the day. It's not always going to be possible and some people need to NOT hear about the problems of the day as soon as they get home. It's a matter of finding balance, of finding something you both are comfortable to do, and make sure it is sharing time, not one of you dumping on the other.

Put the two together (the lurking, and the communication/relax session) and it can really make a huge difference.

husband finally joined the site in his own right, because when he logged in using my name, I often lost track of threads I had posted on, because I didn't get to see new posts because the site thought I had already seen them. So now he is "Marg's Man".

Works for us. Works well. It's got to the point where husband will be listening to a song, or see a joke, and say, "Star would like that," or "We must send this one to ... because with the problems she's having with her child, she will really appreciate this." It's lovely.

Marg

 

[DaisyFace]

I agree with Marg--

My husband has been an occassional lurker here....but usually he will just ask "So what do the other parents have to say about.....?".

It's really been wonderful being able to discuss the opinions offered on this board...and it helps us feel that we are neither crazy nor alone.

--DaisyF