An honest question as only you great folks here can answer...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is not a pity-party. Sorry, with KLMNO's horrible tragedy...I am in no way feeling badly for myself. I just have a question.

    As most of you know, I have many neurological soft signs (not sure what that means, actually). I also have many autistic, mostly Aspie-like traits. It is so hard for me to fit in and I don't feel I fit in here either, mostly do to how hard it is for me to express myself in any way other than more clinical and I'm afraid I sound cold sometimes. Do I? I really don't mean to. I care about all of you with all my heart, yet I feel like my postings aren't as warm and caring as most of yours. I also have such a hard time connecting with people (probably because of this). Do you feel I fit in on the board? Sometimes I read over my posts and wonder if I give enough emotion in my answers...that maybe I shouldn't stay because I don't fit in. Again, this is not a pity party. All my life I've been very clinical, very literal and I can't seem to help it. Although I've never gotten an Asperger's diagnosis, many neuropsychs have said I am close to being one.

    If I come across too cold, I will try to do better. Sometimes though I'm not sure if I'm doing better. Know what I mean?? Id' love to meet you all one day, but am afraid I'd come across as too shy and that my discomfort in a crowd would be obvious.

    I hope I expressed how deeply I feel for KLMNO. She is so much on my mind...I want her to know that. And I appreciate all of you so much and want you to know. Thanks for answering.
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I don't think you come across as cold at all!! I adore you and enjoy reading your posts.... :)
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I think you are amazing and you have never EVER struck me as a cold person. You have reached out to me so many times, I consider you a rock on the CD board-- and I know I have leaned on you. Never once have I thought of you as cold. In fact, I truly admire your blend of compassion and pragmatism.

    I would love to meet you - someday I may just get in my car and make the drive north and take you to lunch! It's on my list of things I long to do for ME. (You know - the list of things that gets pushed aside to meet other people's/work's needs...)

  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Geez MWM, I'm sorry to hear you feel that's my two cents: You fit here great, your point of view is necessary, the way in which you express yourself is exactly what some folks will respond to and be able to hear. Each one of us with our different styles of communication will impact those who have a similar one and can really hear us, so all the different styles and point of views are exactly what make this board such a rich and welcoming experience for everyone. You can scroll along looking for a response that says what you need to hear in the way you need to hear it.

    I don't believe you "should try to be better" at all, I believe the responses you offer are authentically YOU, as mine are authentically me, and everyone else's are authentically them, none of us could change who we are in order to fit in here, nor should we, nor would we want to, we would compromise the very core of why this works so well. There are all kinds of different ways of saying something intrinsically the same and yet at the same time, very different. We are all struggling with our kids, it helps all of us to read all the posts which come from the hearts of the parents here, each offers a new clue to how we can be comforted but also find out answers and solutions. You have a lot of information and experience to offer and you are part of the fabric of this board; what you may look at as "cold and clinical" to me comes across as informative, knowledgeable and very straightforward. The delivery is simply the means by which the information comes to us, what is valuable is who you are, what your experience has been, the level of care and support you bring and the fact that you take the time to read the post, acknowledge it, respond to it and offer your take on it. I hope that helps! Just be YOU, that's all any of us can do..........................HUGS..................
  5. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    I do not find your posts cold at all. I love reading your posts, and you have given me such wonderful advice regarding my difficult child.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Really?? Really?? You Really?? worry about sounding cold and detached. Goodness Gracious Alive. You are a loving, caring family member. Your posts often lovingly overflow with emotion, love and concern about your family members. I think we all look forard to hearing about Jumper because those posts are so animated. Your responses to our posts are kind and full of caring.

    Over the years there have been a handful of posts that "hinted" at some social discomfort on your part in dealing with people not in your "real" family or the "CD" family but just community members. Those have been the only times I have picked up a trace of Aspie or whatever AND you have appropriately responded to suggestions on how you might interact more comfortably in those instances.

    You're a Peach. Hugs DDD
  7. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your courage in expressing these difficult feelings. I understand what you are saying... sometimes one feels a lot of deep emotion and sensitivity inside and yet it somehow refuses to become effusive, to show itself openly and freely... it's a kind of fear, a kind of shyness, perhaps. I've never thought you come across as cold. In the beginning when I first started coming here, you got upset with me about something (I forget what now :)) and we had a kind of small disagreement that you were charmingly quick to forgive and forget... sometimes you speak your mind more openly than others but this is really more of a quality than a defect (in my book). I have little time for hollow, polite meaninglessness.
    And I hope this will give you a laugh... would you believe, in my dream last night, I dreamt of the forum (first time!) and saw the screen with a post from you entitled "Malika, why are you reading sites about art history in French"... Go figure!! In the dream I thought, gosh, MWM has found a way of tracking me... but this is all projected guilt feelings about spending time surfing the net rather than working (as I should be now :))
    Let's face it, everyone who spends time on the computer becomes a bit Aspie - if you weren't in the beginning, it turns you into one :) You sound fine as you are, happily married and with many adventures and experiences of motherhood, some joyful and some sad and challenging, to share to help others.
  8. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    This is what makes this board work! Feeling safe to vent and say what we need to or feel like. Also being able to express opinions in different ways at different times. Respecting each other. ;) JMHO from many years and why I love this place.
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Omgosh, this board would never work if we all had the same style, manner, opinions, etc. I simply couldn't imagine this board without the vast experience you share. And the fact that you do share, over and over, with sincerity and deep thought, even with people who are brand new and sometimes never return .....that has always been the measure to me of how much you care. (How's that for a run on sentence?)
    Hugs my friend. Everyone here fits in. Thats what I love about this place.
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I don't consider you cold or distant at all. You strike me a a deeply caring person, especially when you talk about your kids.
  11. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I think for a variety of reasons many of us feel like outsiders to one degree or another (at least in the outside world), but I can tell you that you've always seemed like a very "inside" part of here to me!
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, sweetheart! I think sometimes we all feel like we don't quite belong. Sometimes I don't post because I don't want my CD family to say I told you so - and to date no one ever has!

    Yeah, you're shy. Honestly, so am I. I can post here because it's anonymous. Back when we had the gathering in 2009, I was all gung-ho for it but wasn't sure I was going. Cause... I'm weird around people I don't know. But let me tell you something.

    Wayyyyyy back in early days (for me, here), I posted something about Onyxx and you gave me a swift kick in the rear. I needed that kick. BADLY. At first it upset me and then I realized - you were not only right but - you have the guts to tell me something I didn't want to hear. And I adore you for that!!!
  13. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Diversity at its finest! I get what you are saying. I think if people do not realize what a big heart you have they might take things you say the wrong way. But, as mentioned above some need that to be said in your way.

    I think life is too short to worry what others think. You know you are here to support and give advice and that is all that matters. If people cant handle it they will get over it! And likely will admit they needed to hear what you had to say. It just might be later on.

    As far as fitting in here....YES YOU DO! Absolutely! You are needed here just like every one of us!
  14. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    (((MWM))) This is what I love about this place: we all get to feel like the slightly eccentric aunt of the group. YOU belong here. :)
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    (points up to TM) speak for yourself lil ms "slightly eccentric"........SnORT

    SERIOUSLY???????? MWM?????? (laughs out loud for the first time in over a week).........I really needed this post. My bumper sticker would probably say something like WEirdos like me of 1.

    Everyone here in this family brings something to the table......and like any's eclectic differences UNITE us. We're like a gigantic mosaic of weirdos, outcasts, hurt people, MOthers who have been put down due to our childrens differences, and the battles of the system, and the constant fights not only with the outside world, but the on going battles we have with our own self-doubts because we surely think more than once a day "Dear GOD am I a good Mother? Am I being a good wife? Could I bet better at BOTH if I did not have to raise a child like this? IF I did something better, faster, greater, sooner, later, would I have been a better Mother or Wife? And that's how we all found each other which if you think of the biggest irony of ALL ......because in an OUTSIDE world......I doubt most of us would be friends.

    I think about the socio-economic divide that would play into things.....and the educational level, and sometimes even the racial aspects which some say don't count but for some do......and I think okay if you stuck us ALL in the same town in the places we live with our lifestyles......and our paygrades, and our educations, and our children......would we get along seeing each other face to face????? Like the outside world sees us?

    Ive often thought the "MAGIC" of the board was it's double blindness. The fact that you can't see me.....And you can't judge me based on HOW I am or WHO I am coupled with the fact that you only know what I share ....leaves you blind to think and react to me only with your heart. And even in that.....There are some that .....well I know I'm not for everyone....and again That's okay. I've often said even in a group of weirdos I'm the wierdo est. But I'm the same across the board as I am in real life. I love ......I care.......I cry......I hurt.....I laugh.......I hope........I dream.......I wish.....and I truly care for every kid and person I've met on this board. Whether that has come across in how I write......or not. It's meaning is not's for real.

    When I don't feel like I belong anywhere else in the world?? I come here....and there have been PLENTY of times I havent' felt like I belonged here too. WOuldn't even be able to count them on both hands.......But it only takes one other person to answer someone in a post and make them feel welcomed, or cared about for the day.......and I care about you TREMENDOUSLY. And in your writing between the lines.....I know that you like so many of us have spent a week hurting......and crying......and processing a tragedy that we can't possibly grasp the senselessness of come brave for each other, and say what we can to comfort each other, while lifting up the one that is hurting the most. IT's what sisters do for each other......and I'm glad youre my sister.....OLDER of course....but still.......sister. And you belong.

    Hugs & Love
  16. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    13,954 posts. You are a part of the CD Family, and always will be. You reply with caring and concern and knowledge. You are helpful and a person that we all need to be on here. I have never thought of you as cold ever. I don't have a lot of friends outside of CD, a few but not a ton, I look forward to seeing whats going on with EVERYONE, YOU INCLUDED! You are also an animal lover!!!! Hey did I miss someting about a Lab Mix Shichi. Is that a new one?
  17. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    You don't come across cold at all. You offer great insight and support and I've seen you reach out to new members constantly! Sometimes I worry about fitting in the board but I tell myself that I want my posts to be the authentic me, regardless of what others may think. Be the authentic you - we care about you.
  18. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're doubting yourself, but I swear, on a stack of pancakes, that I've never read one post of yours that didn't emotionally resonate.
    Please know that I think you're caring, knowledgeable, practical and genuine. I'm glad I can come here and talk with people like you, and though I can't sit next to you and share a coffee with you, I think of you as a friend. Smile.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    OMG. Thank you very much, those of you who answered. I asked because...after what happened to klmno's son, I wondered if I even sounded like I cared. It is on my mind so much...I *do* care, but I sort of lack the ability to know if what I say expresses this. And while I'm sure klmno has other things on her mind, it is important to me that she know how devastating this is to me. And how much I hurt for her. That's why I thought of it.

    Sometimes I think that rather than borderline personality disorder, I really have Aspergers...because although I have had some borderline traits, I'm not and never was nearly as extreme as most with borderline. I seem to be able to learn and grow from it, but yet I am emotionally labile and I did used to act out from oversensitivity and inability to deal with frustration. Sound Aspie? At my age it doesn't matter w hat I am, but I do care so much for all of you that I want to make sure I am being appropriate and I can't judge that on my own all the time. I am such a literal thinker that I type what my mind is telling me and it is usually factual rather than emotional. Yes, I can write novels, but that's different. I do have a good imagination and I can express somebody else feeling the appropriate emotion, such as a character in a book. I just can't do it myself or when in the real world or when giving my two cents. Or trying to express my caring.

    I have had trouble connecting with friends all my life. I don't really want to know most people, then I get lonely because I want to, say, be invited to that party that I'd never attend...lolol. And I avoid people a lot because I don't know how to "play the game." Sometimes I *really, really, really* connect with somebody and that's always a surprise and great! I tend to want to be with that person all the time, rather than a group though. Sadly, my very bestest friend on earth died of cancer at age fifty. Nobody can ever replace her. She "got" me and we were really there for each other all the time. I would love to find another "best best friend" but it's hard for me to find any friends. And if I am with people for too long, I need to escape to my house to regroup! That was true even with my best friend! After a few hours together, I would feel the need to get away. Strange, huh? Throw face blindness into the mix (look up prosopagnosia in your google search) you have a receipe for social People come up to me and I don't even know who I'm talking to half the Yet, although I knew that wasn't normal although I'd been that way all my life, until about ten years ago I didn't realize that I wasn't the only person with face blindness. And I didn't know what it was. Just knew that it was embarassing and that it kept me from enjoying movies. I mean, it's hard to enjoy a movie when you can't remember what the good guy looks like vs. the bad guy...and it gets too hard to follow and try to guess...blah, blah, blah.

    In case anyone cares, here is a link about face blindness. It is the link that told me about why I can't recognize a lot of people that I should and why I can't follow a movie! Lots of Aspies have this trait (remember, though, I have never been diagnosed an Aspie, just with traits). For the record, I am the face blind person who was born that way and I also can't recognize my own car, other objects, and can't find my way around the block. I have compensatory methods, but they tire me out because I need so many so often.

    Well, thanks for the feedback. I needed Love ya all!
  20. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    You're an important member of this ffamily, sister, and don't you forget it.

    If you've ever come across cold and unfeeling, I've certainly not caught it. It can be difficult to express oneself with the written word at times. And at other times, there are just really no words that are adequate, as with klmno's loss.

    Any family is an enormous patchwork of personalities, it's what makes them special.