This is SO hard. My Difficult Child, who will be 21 in a month, is just completing his second year of college where he lives on campus. His "difficult" history goes back to high school, where he first began smoking pot and drinking. Long story short, he has had 2 inpatient psychiatric stays, one long term (one month) inpatient stay for mental health/substance abuse, barely graduated HS, but is now doing fairly well in college (extremely smart, but lacks the accountability factor). I have found pot and alcohol hidden in his bedroom, as well as the bedroom of my youngest son (beginning when youngest was around 8 or 9. I guess Difficult Child thought we would never find it hidden there! Well one day the youngest was bringing a book to school, and by chance I opened it and found a bag of pot in the pages. Thank God I found it before the book went to school). Has been arrested for smoking pot (charge was cleared after a year apparently) about two years ago. When he was home for Christmas break, things were not great- he worked some, but was back to his old ways, staying up all night on the computer, going out, drinking, etc. In January he was arrested for underage drinking/possession of alcohol and spent a night in the ED. He completely ignored the summons he got, along with the fine. He finally found out he owed 500$, and did't have it. About three weeks ago, the police came to his dorm to arrest him for not paying the fine, and he called me to pay it for him (which we told him numerous times we would not do). We refused, telling him he would have to figure it out or go to jail. Then the police officer got on the phone and told me that if he took him to jail, it would be a minimum of a week or two before he was released, at which point we broke down and paid the fine so that Difficult Child wouldn't fail his classes (that we paid for). UGH. I was so angry with myself for paying it, but it was a call out of the blue, I had no real time to think it through, and I thought they would bring him to jail for a day, or a night at most! Not a week or two. Spring break was a disaster- up all night, LOUD, and then one night I woke up to voices in his room (right next to mine), and found a girl in bed with him! (they were clothed, but STILL!!!). That led to me asking the girl to leave, and my son blowing up (again) at my husband and I, lots of screaming at us, LOTS of cursing, and swearing he had not been drinking (though I knew he had been). The next day, I told him he could stay for the rest of the week, but in the summer, he would need to find somewhere else to stay. He apologized, said he was drunk, etc. I told him that he was NOT going to be living home this summer, despite his apology. I was done. A few weeks ago, I texted him and "reminded him" that he needed to figure out a plan for the summer, as he was not able to live here. Last week, my husband also texted the same message, no replies. Until today. Now he is blowing up my phone with texts, begging, pleading to allow him to come home, he will do ANYTHING, because he has no where to go. And his car has a "boot" on it (again) because he parked illegally (again!), and has no money to pay that fine. I calmly told him that he has had plenty of time to figure out what he was going to do this summer, but as usual, he takes no accountability, and has done nothing. Now, he has to be out of the dorm in a few days, and is in full panic mode, which translates to texts stating that he feels "unloved", wants to know how I can "turn my back" on him, etc. I keep saying that he needs to find a job, and a place to live. I told him that I can no longer "help" him, because it really isn't helping him at all! He needs to stand up on his own two feet and take some responsibility. He is almost 21! I have told him so many times that I can't/won't have him in our home, where my two other sons (12 and 17) have to hear the screaming, cursing, etc that happens (less frequently than a few years ago, but still happens) when he drinks. The episode during spring break a couple of months ago was the straw that broke the camels back. I feel absolutely terrible. Guilty because I know he doesn't WANT to be this way, but he chooses not to make any necessary changes in his life (like stop drinking since it seems that when he does, everything gets out of control). I am sad for him, and I am also so angry, because I knew this was coming! I knew he would have NO plan, and would expect to just be able to come home. But I can't have it any more. I love him so much, he's really a very good person, but I think we are "hurting" him, rather than helping, when we continue to bail him out, and help solve his problems, rather than forcing HIM to step up. I just can't do it anymore. The stress he causes in the household when he is here is ridiculous. I feel like I have nothing left in me, no means to cope with this. I am physically and mentally exhausted. But I think I need to stand firm here. He's not a child anymore, and he needs to get things done for himself. But he also seems to lack common sense (despite his high IQ), and I don't know if he really CAN do it! UGH. If you read this far, thank you. If you have any thoughts or suggestions for me, I am open to hearing them all. thank you.