And the beat goes on...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by slsh, Jul 12, 2012.

  1. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    It's been a lousy summer. Stick that fork in me, 'cuz I'm *done*. Dealing with B's death has been just so incredibly difficult. My own grief, and Diva's and of course thank you. I hate suicide. I don't think I've ever seen anything so massively destructive. I cannot visualize ever making peace with this. I still have moments where I just can't catch my breath. And I worry about thank you - it's just wiped him completely out. Such a senseless and stupid act - hmmm, maybe I'm hitting anger phase of grief? But then again not really because when the anger starts, I get sucked back into how much pain she must have been in to do that, to be able to pull the trigger, and the waves just all suck me back under.

    Then our dog, Angelina, died. I know, comparatively minor, but really not because now Weeburt is grieving as well (his dog). Awful awful awful. She was 12, had been diagnosed with- Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) but also had a heart murmur - I was in the process of trying to get her into a doggie cardiologist and ... one morning she was just gone. We weren't great doggie parents, but she was a member of our family. I can't stand to go in our backyard anymore because she's not there to beg for food or nuzzle our hands... I miss the sound of her dog tags.

    And now one of my best friends from HS... you know, you had 1 or 2 really close friends who stood by you, thick and thin, who traveled that horrible adolescent road with you, and you all came out semi-whole at the end of it all? Yea, well, one of those friends. We took very different paths as adults and had really just sent Christmas cards until the last few years when even that stopped, but... I don't know, there are just some people who travel the road with you for a while and those people become a part of you forever. She was diagnosed with liver cancer last fall, and while rationally I knew that that was that, I guess I was really hoping for a miracle, that she'd be one who beats the odds. She's been told by 2 of the top cancer centers now that there's nothing more to do. She's only 50. And she is my friend and ...

    It's just life, and death, I know. Been going on for all time. I can't even say I'm depressed, which is really bizarre 'cuz you'd think if one were to be depressed, now would be the time, but I think I am just stuck in knee-deep (or rather neck-deep) grief. Work is suffering because I have the attention span of a gnat - guess quality of work will be exceptional since I'm proofing stuff 3 and 4 times. I can't remember a conversation I had 5 minutes ago - my kids are getting frustrated with me because I say the same thing that I just said because I can't remember if I actually said it or just thought it.

    And I worry about thank you because how much can a kid take? And Weeburt because he's supposed to be applying to colleges and I just don't know if he's ready to do this (though he kicked some major posterior on the SAT/ACT and his AP scores - but he's just so utterly unmotivated as well as being my baby boy). And Diva 'cuz she's starting HS and is in the band which is a *huge* deal nationally and HS bites generally and... And I worry about Boo because I'm getting old and tired and .... and.... and...

    I keep reminding myself that life cycles and we're obvious caught in one seriously hoovering cycle and that it will get better... and then I think about making a similar statement to husband right after Angelina died. He was telling me how to contact him that day at work because he was going to be someplace different and in my usual supremely dark way I said "don't worry, I won't need to get a hold of you, what else could possibly go wrong?"..... and the AC repair guy proceeded informed me that the AC was kaput and we were 19 days (19 DAYS) past warranty and that will be $3000, thank you very much. Oh, and that was 2 days before we had our first 100-plus-degree day, with a kid who doesn't sweat due to medications. Let me tell you, being in a house with an interior temp of 97 is not a whole lot of fun.

    So now I'm trying not to think it will get better because ... well, temp fate to show you what else can go wrong, and she'll show you, sure enough.

    Anyway - no one to share this with, so you folks are the lucky ones.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow, I am so sorry. You have so much going on and a lot of it is NOT good. I really understand the suicide issues you're dealing with first hand. My son-in-law committed suicide 12 years ago and I've never seen two families implode like that before, it was devastating. It takes time. Therapy and Hospice groups on grief and suicide support groups helped us to cope, but it was a process and in time it really does get better. I'm sorry about your friend. Life can be a bad roller coaster ride sometimes and sounds like you're in the middle of one of those. I know it's a small solace but 'this too shall pass.' I hope you can find some peace in the chaos. Gentle hugs coming your way..................
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    (((Hugs))) You're tired and need a break from pain and death. I hope you get it. Hug the kids for me.....
  4. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Sending you a soft cyber hug Sue - and maybe some medications are in order for you just for a little while to take the edge off.

  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    OMG. Your broken heart is in overdrive. I'm so sorry, Sue. :crying:

  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    You're right, life is a series of cycles, but when you're in the middle of one that stinks it's pretty hard to see that light at the end of it I hope the end to this one is very near and you move onto a much brighter one.
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I agree with Lisa... It is hard to see past the next curve in the road. I know that the times in my life I've grieved - grandparents, miscarriages, and other stuff - has been reasonably stretched out, not all at once, but each time - each time was HORRIBLE.

    The oddest thing occurred to me, though. I think I grieved more outwardly over AngelKitten last year - but it was not the worst - and no matter how I look at it - they were all different, and all devastating. More of them in a group would have sunk me.

    Gentle :hugs: from here, too, sweetie.
  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow Sue, that's quite a lot going on. All I can offer is positive thoughts that things begin to come together for the family and some gentle hugs.

  9. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    Wow - that is so much going on and my heart aches for your family. You describe everything so eloquently that I feel some of your pain. Prayers going up for your whole family and for continued healing.
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am sorry for all of the loss you have/are experiencing. It is too much! Wishing you all a glimmer of joy each day.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs Sue. I am sorry and hope things start looking up. Life does seem to suck though at times doesnt it?