Another form of "detaching"

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Sheila, May 30, 2007.

  1. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    I’m reading a book on adoption issues. It has some stuff on typical-teens. (How sad is it that my research has been limited primarily to disorders, and I know very little about typical teenage boys?)

    But, this passage reminded me of the site, e.g., another form of detaching. I like the riptide analogy.

    It also served to alert me that difficult child is “developmentally on-target” in this area. Bittersweet in a way....

    Choose Your Battles Wisely. You May Have to Lose Some Battles to Win the War.

    “The teenager’s job description is to challenge authority, test values and create his own credibility/competence, often by belittling that of his previously accepted experts: his parents. He will create conflict in the process of these endeavors, and the wise, secure adult knows when to engage in conflict and when to let it slide. If the youth’s “baiting” behavior does not endanger himself or others, adults may wisely allow natural consequences of poor choices (if you don’t turn in your homework, you have to attend summer school) serve as the most effective teachers. When adults are forced by circumstances to intervene with guidance and protection, they should cool off so that fighting a teenager, like fighting a riptide, is inviting doom. When caught in [a] cross-current, expert swimmers stop struggling. They know they cannot fight their way to shore. They float and let the tide carry them, until they find a firm footing. Likewise, parents of teenagers must flow with life, alert to opportunities for safe contact.”

    Another “tis true” passage: Behavior is the language of kids. Some teens are very verbal and can tell the parent exactly what is going on. But there are teens who act out in various ways….”

    Quotes from: Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past by Keefer & Schooler

    Of late, difficult child is quite the pro at "challenging authority." :devil:

    Me -- I'm working on the wise, secure adult part....
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    a good article!
  3. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #330033"> sheila, you are one of the wisest & logical parents i know. i don't think this is going to be as tough for you as you're anticipating. hell, if i survived it with-two of them you can handle it lol.

    </span> </span> </span>
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for sharing-sounds very much like my easy child!!
  5. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Thank you for sharing this Sheila. I'm going to the library tomorrow & will have to check on this book.

    I've yet to find a decent book for the adolescent young man. I searched for one as wm is going through puberty.

    If you find something, please share it with us.