stepmom/mentalhealthnurse
New Member
Hi all. This is my 1st post. I’m tired. I’m scared. I’m stressed. I’m frustrated. I could go on… The ironic thing is I’m a mental health nurse. BUT, I’m a new mental health nurse and new nurse in general (just over a year). After overcoming many things in my own life, I felt the need to give back after so many people contributed to saving me which lead me to my current career. The downfall is now that I’m starting to learn some things, I’m becoming increasingly concerned with my step son’s behaviors. But I’m so far off from being an expert that all I’m doing is creating more worry and questions for myself.
I’ve never had an idealistic relationship with him but I was able to somewhat manage it as we would only have him summers and then he would go back to mom’s for the school year. His dad and I married just last year. Then, my twins graduated this year and started going their own ways a bit and all of the sudden he wasn’t leaving, he was here to stay. His mom called claiming she had lost their home. Even though we have had a rough go at it, I would absolutely never consider being the wife/step mom that would throw a fit about this or demand it wasn’t going to happen. Actually, I tend to go the opposite direction and clam up and then feel a little taken advantage of. (still working through my own issues and will openly admit that)
So much has happened so I will do my best to give an abbreviated version. I do need to say his dad is in denial about pretty much any bad behaviors so he has not been diagnosed with anything because I have yet to get him to a doctor or counselor. I love my husband but I am already at the end of my rope and need guidance to save any hopes of this family working out.
Here goes… He is now in his 3rd year of being in the same grade. Mom didn’t make him attend school regularly so at this point he just does not care. Out of 3 summers, the first 2 he spent peeing in our drinking cups (glass not plastic or throw away) and hiding them in his room that was so filthy you couldn’t walk through it because he “didn’t want to leave his room at night”. Refused to share toys and I’m talking with kids who were like 2-4 and he was 11-12. Was mad at age 12 that I had moved in because he could no longer sleep with his dad he had to go to his own room. Which he refused to do and would spend the entire summer on the couch on the other side of our bedroom door. To this day, 3 years later, he still will not clean up after himself anywhere in the house. He will not shower to the point my couch smells (teen/hormones)… He expects to be treated as an adult and included as an adult like in conversations which dad obliges. He steals but it only seems to be from me so dad thinks I’m just “misplacing” things. (started as silly stuff like I swear I went through 5 pair each of my tweezers and nail clippers, and then money, clothing like my Hey Dudes; scrubs; cami shirts, cigarettes like by the carton and then bigger things like the physical copy of my nursing license). After working so very hard, I guarantee you a nurse does not just misplace their license. He takes food or soda if he feels entitled to it. My boys would be allowed to have 1 soda a day and he would chug a 12 pack if it was there while looking at us and smiling. My husband said “He can’t control himself, hide it.” Which I found ridiculous but I would put certain things in our room if it needed saved like for a certain dish or I just wanted to be able to drink a soda in my own home and he would wait to be home alone and go into our room and take it anyways. He would say hurtful things to my boys like making fun of their weight (and then he gained a bunch of weight). It’s to the point where he literally did nothing here and my boys did A LOT and if things weren’t completed my husband would yell at them while his son came in to sit on the couch after mowing for 5 minutes and nothing was said and now I can’t even get any of my 3 to visit because they’re hurt. He will sit in front of us and do homework or so I’m being told but he turns nothing in and is failing this year already too. (I am night shift so I need to learn how to help parent on that schedule.) I’m so fed up that I redid our bedroom and put in new furniture and a tv so I don’t have to leave the room because he has stood in the kitchen peeking around the corner staring me down before work because he didn’t want to be in the same room and he doesn’t do anything in his room so he’d watch until I left. He is in the living room with his dad from the time my husband wakes up until he goes to bed. Making me so uncomfortable that I stay in our room. If my husband comes in to sit with me as I’m waking up or after my shower he gets mad and wants to know when his dad will be back out. He held a knife to his own neck when my son declined his help moving a dryer. His father bought him the rather large knife and a hatchet for his 14th birthday. His dad will ask him to start my car if it’s cold (I do not ask.) and he’ll “laugh” so it seems cute and say “um yea no.” In front of other people, he tries to be polite and lovable, the model child. My neighbor sent me a trail cam picture of him watching another neighbor like in the bushes. He has stood outside under the bathroom window when I was getting out of the shower making noises so I’d know he was there. One night my husband slipped up and mentioned him sleeping in our room when I’m at work at night. I think I gave him the most disgusted look and when one of my boys was here it had at least come to an abrupt stop at that point but who knows now that my boys left. My husband will have no problem arguing with me in front of him which again treats him as an equal as he sits there smiling. I’ve had suspicions of him mistreating my cats but no hard proof. He lies more than he tells the truth. I think he does it so much that he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. It can be over the littlest thing or something huge but it’s a lie or it will be greatly embellished. And he argues about EVERYTHING to anyone but mostly with his dad like it’s how they communicate. Again, doesn’t even realize he’s doing it until his dad starts yelling. And my husband will admit when he was younger he would be afraid he wouldn’t come back if he didn’t let him do what he wanted. So he has no bed time, obviously he isn’t doing homework. He doesn’t suffer any real consequences for failing school. He lost watching tv with his dad for all of maybe 3 days and that’s our other than he isn’t allowed to go to his one friend’s that he does have. (who we recently found out is currently being accused of doing something pretty horrible to a preteen girl). So friend choices also not good. There are a million more things I could list like he refused to dance with me or stand near me the day I married his father but I get so worked up that I forget things and I’m pretty sure you have a good start to read here. I feel like the stealing small things from me or moving my stuff around when no one is home is like him saying “yea I’m in charge I do what I want”. I feel as though I’m the 3rd wheel as he takes over the living room refusing to leave his dad’s side while I hide in our room. The constant lies are off the charts. And what made me really consider throwing in the towel after all that was a month ago he got into a fight at school and kicked out for 3 days. Since then, he has gotten a warning for never listening to a particular teacher in class which his father never told me about I found out weeks later.But again… If front of family and friends sweet and polite. I am starting to worry about my own safety with his jealousy as are my coworkers.
All I want is for my marriage to work and to have at the least a civil relationship with this child. But how with dad in denial? I very much appreciate any tips or opinions. Like I said, it’s hard to work in mental health but not be able to get him help, whatever that may consist of.
Thanks for listening…
I’ve never had an idealistic relationship with him but I was able to somewhat manage it as we would only have him summers and then he would go back to mom’s for the school year. His dad and I married just last year. Then, my twins graduated this year and started going their own ways a bit and all of the sudden he wasn’t leaving, he was here to stay. His mom called claiming she had lost their home. Even though we have had a rough go at it, I would absolutely never consider being the wife/step mom that would throw a fit about this or demand it wasn’t going to happen. Actually, I tend to go the opposite direction and clam up and then feel a little taken advantage of. (still working through my own issues and will openly admit that)
So much has happened so I will do my best to give an abbreviated version. I do need to say his dad is in denial about pretty much any bad behaviors so he has not been diagnosed with anything because I have yet to get him to a doctor or counselor. I love my husband but I am already at the end of my rope and need guidance to save any hopes of this family working out.
Here goes… He is now in his 3rd year of being in the same grade. Mom didn’t make him attend school regularly so at this point he just does not care. Out of 3 summers, the first 2 he spent peeing in our drinking cups (glass not plastic or throw away) and hiding them in his room that was so filthy you couldn’t walk through it because he “didn’t want to leave his room at night”. Refused to share toys and I’m talking with kids who were like 2-4 and he was 11-12. Was mad at age 12 that I had moved in because he could no longer sleep with his dad he had to go to his own room. Which he refused to do and would spend the entire summer on the couch on the other side of our bedroom door. To this day, 3 years later, he still will not clean up after himself anywhere in the house. He will not shower to the point my couch smells (teen/hormones)… He expects to be treated as an adult and included as an adult like in conversations which dad obliges. He steals but it only seems to be from me so dad thinks I’m just “misplacing” things. (started as silly stuff like I swear I went through 5 pair each of my tweezers and nail clippers, and then money, clothing like my Hey Dudes; scrubs; cami shirts, cigarettes like by the carton and then bigger things like the physical copy of my nursing license). After working so very hard, I guarantee you a nurse does not just misplace their license. He takes food or soda if he feels entitled to it. My boys would be allowed to have 1 soda a day and he would chug a 12 pack if it was there while looking at us and smiling. My husband said “He can’t control himself, hide it.” Which I found ridiculous but I would put certain things in our room if it needed saved like for a certain dish or I just wanted to be able to drink a soda in my own home and he would wait to be home alone and go into our room and take it anyways. He would say hurtful things to my boys like making fun of their weight (and then he gained a bunch of weight). It’s to the point where he literally did nothing here and my boys did A LOT and if things weren’t completed my husband would yell at them while his son came in to sit on the couch after mowing for 5 minutes and nothing was said and now I can’t even get any of my 3 to visit because they’re hurt. He will sit in front of us and do homework or so I’m being told but he turns nothing in and is failing this year already too. (I am night shift so I need to learn how to help parent on that schedule.) I’m so fed up that I redid our bedroom and put in new furniture and a tv so I don’t have to leave the room because he has stood in the kitchen peeking around the corner staring me down before work because he didn’t want to be in the same room and he doesn’t do anything in his room so he’d watch until I left. He is in the living room with his dad from the time my husband wakes up until he goes to bed. Making me so uncomfortable that I stay in our room. If my husband comes in to sit with me as I’m waking up or after my shower he gets mad and wants to know when his dad will be back out. He held a knife to his own neck when my son declined his help moving a dryer. His father bought him the rather large knife and a hatchet for his 14th birthday. His dad will ask him to start my car if it’s cold (I do not ask.) and he’ll “laugh” so it seems cute and say “um yea no.” In front of other people, he tries to be polite and lovable, the model child. My neighbor sent me a trail cam picture of him watching another neighbor like in the bushes. He has stood outside under the bathroom window when I was getting out of the shower making noises so I’d know he was there. One night my husband slipped up and mentioned him sleeping in our room when I’m at work at night. I think I gave him the most disgusted look and when one of my boys was here it had at least come to an abrupt stop at that point but who knows now that my boys left. My husband will have no problem arguing with me in front of him which again treats him as an equal as he sits there smiling. I’ve had suspicions of him mistreating my cats but no hard proof. He lies more than he tells the truth. I think he does it so much that he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. It can be over the littlest thing or something huge but it’s a lie or it will be greatly embellished. And he argues about EVERYTHING to anyone but mostly with his dad like it’s how they communicate. Again, doesn’t even realize he’s doing it until his dad starts yelling. And my husband will admit when he was younger he would be afraid he wouldn’t come back if he didn’t let him do what he wanted. So he has no bed time, obviously he isn’t doing homework. He doesn’t suffer any real consequences for failing school. He lost watching tv with his dad for all of maybe 3 days and that’s our other than he isn’t allowed to go to his one friend’s that he does have. (who we recently found out is currently being accused of doing something pretty horrible to a preteen girl). So friend choices also not good. There are a million more things I could list like he refused to dance with me or stand near me the day I married his father but I get so worked up that I forget things and I’m pretty sure you have a good start to read here. I feel like the stealing small things from me or moving my stuff around when no one is home is like him saying “yea I’m in charge I do what I want”. I feel as though I’m the 3rd wheel as he takes over the living room refusing to leave his dad’s side while I hide in our room. The constant lies are off the charts. And what made me really consider throwing in the towel after all that was a month ago he got into a fight at school and kicked out for 3 days. Since then, he has gotten a warning for never listening to a particular teacher in class which his father never told me about I found out weeks later.But again… If front of family and friends sweet and polite. I am starting to worry about my own safety with his jealousy as are my coworkers.
All I want is for my marriage to work and to have at the least a civil relationship with this child. But how with dad in denial? I very much appreciate any tips or opinions. Like I said, it’s hard to work in mental health but not be able to get him help, whatever that may consist of.
Thanks for listening…
