Another Perspective

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by StillStanding, Apr 17, 2017.

  1. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    I often find it hard to believe the theories around "tough love" and "rock bottom". Sometimes, I feel like it's hard to express my opinions because I'm called an "enabler".

    I found this article today about a new book with a different perspective. I think I'll read this one. I thought I would share in case anyone else is interested.

    Chasing the Scream
    Johann Hari
     
  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First of all, welcome!

    I think that your perspective of tough love or rock bottom might be different than ours. Tough love means detaching with love but letting our loved ones suffer the consequences of their addictions. Rescuing them is enabling them to continue drugging and drinking.

    Thank you, though, for the book suggestion. Every perspective is valuable.

    Could you share your situation with us? It is hard to understand your perspective without the background.

    ~Kathy
     
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    StillStanding:

    I don't think any of us know what we're doing to be honest! LOL I know I don't.

    I just am doing the best I can in our situation. We are all so different and our kids (manchild in my case) are all so different too. I feel I have been so out of my element for the past five plus years when this all started with my son. I've educated myself well but I still do not have a clue!!!

    I feel we all just share what we do that we feel has made our lives better. At least that is what I do. I would never tell anyone to do anything they are not comfortable with because I am not an expert on addiction and from what I've found, even they don't even know for sure what works or doesn't work. I think my goal has been to push our son to living the life we want him to live by supporting him when we feel he is on the right path and distancing ourselves more when he is not. Kind of like the Pavlov Dog experiment.

    It's all done with hope and love and prayers.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think there is a curb. At first we do all we can to.help. Five years later with no changes we are getting fed up, broke, and may be neglecting other loved ones who also need us. Then years later, after being manipulated, lied to, called names and seeing false promises and our adult kids no better, we may decide "no more." There are stages and not all kids steal or call us names we have never expected to ever here from our kids and our belongings and ourselves assaulted, we throw out the playbook and try to survive. True, many of us tell our 20 plus adult kids to live elsewhere and to support themselves bit that is rately our first move.

    Does any one way always work for them? No. Tough love straightened my daughter out in a year. Some adult kids take ten or twenty years of being in bad places before they improve no matter what method we use. Some never do.

    There is no one method. You have to look at yourself in the mirror every day. If you have had succesd with a different method do share. My daughter respondef to kindness and understanding by taking worse advantage and lying. They are all different.

    Where you are now that works for you is all that matters. But our attitudes and methods can change if time stretches on with no results. Hopegully your son will get it together soon!!! We all hope for you.
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2017
  5. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    "Does any one way always work for them?

    There is no one method. You have to look at yourself in the mirror every day. "

    I agree with this completely. My son has been clean for 30+ days. This maybe doesn't sound like a lot but for us it's a lifetime. This is the longer he's gone for 7 years. He's in IOP, seeing a psychatrist and taking his medications. He's working for the first time in 2 years. It's not a great job but it's honest work and he shows up everyday.

    I'm starting to think that my comfort zone is somewhere in the middle. I have firm boundaries (i.e. I NEVER give him cash or access to valuables) but I also choose to help (i.e. his paychecks are deposited into my bank account and we agree weekly on where the money should go).

    I saw another thread about people saying their children haven't matured since using drugs. This is true in my case. Do I think I should have to manage the cash for a 21 year old? Nope! But, would I for a 14 year old? Maybe.

    I do think it's important that I remember that my child is unique.

    I'm going to read this book. I'm sure I won't agree with everything there either.

    I personally have made choices because of what my husband thinks, or what extended family thinks or what someone says at Naranon. And, they haven't been my choices because I've been so afraid to be thought of as an enabler.

    I'm mostly rambling. I hate this disease. But, I will remember that I have to look myself in the mirror.

    Thanks for your thoughts.
     
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    That all sounds good. If it's working and you're sane - those are good things.

    I just got off the phone with my son's family therapist at his treatment center in Florida. He went in there last Monday to detox. He was stable for his longest time ever - 7 months. He used benzos in the past month and that is how he ended up here. He was smoking weed and drinking a bit and this is where it lead. I didn't like it/I was not in charge. He was working and taking a college class. We were in a tough situation.

    He is not participating - again. This is not his - or our - first rodeo.

    We are going to have a family meeting Monday in person and we are going to set the firmest boundaries we have ever set with him. They felt we need to do that face to face and maybe, just maybe, he'll get it.

    We are taking his car. It's an old car but it's ours. It is there for him when he goes to sober living and then we hoped for him to start college in the fall. But we aren't making it easy any more. He is going to sober living or he won't receive one red cent from us.

    They really feel we have to FORCE him to grow up. I am NOT looking forward to any of this and I am so sick of it all I could scream!!!