Another question...advice needed?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by PatriotsGirl, Dec 2, 2013.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    So I am sure some of you may remember that my difficult child told her ex (and me) that she was molested by my mother's husband. I have not talked to my mother in over a year because she went back to him after he pulled something else (while staying with them, my difficult child claimed that he was standing in the room when he thought she was sleeping and was touching himself. He was previously accused of doing the same thing in front of my neices at their house after a night of drinking with my sister and her husband.) difficult child was very much active in her addiction at this time and has historically come up with tragedies that happened to her to avoid confrontation or getting in trouble over something. So, while I believe her about the touching himself incident, I always questioned the molestation in the back of my mind. I would NEVER let on to her that I didn't believe her, but I honestly had my doubts. Though the touching himself is bad enough for me to be disgusted with my mother's choices. The fact that she could stay with someone after that makes me want to vomit.

    Over the holiday, difficult child friended my mother on Facebook. When I asked her about it, she said she was still going to have a relationship with my mother and that I should, too, because she doesn't have anyone else. I pointed out that she lost everyone over HER choices.

    To be honest, besides her staying with that POS, I have really missed talking to my mom. We were very close and talked on the phone all of the time. But I feel like it would be wrong of me to talk to her after she chose to stay married to that "man".

    I don't know what to sister only calls me when it has to do with her. She called after my birthday to talk about her life and didn't even mention my 40th birthday. My brother hasn't talked to any of us in years. I am not sure why. He got clean and cut off his family, I guess. My dad passed away long ago. My family stinks. My husband's side of the family is more like family to us. But there are times I miss my mom. :(

    Just not sure what to do about this one...part of me feels it would be "okay" to talk to her since difficult child is...I just don't know if I can get past her relationship...
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    That is a really hard thing to think about... Your mom may be an ostrich, or at the very least enmeshed/codependent... But you still love her. Doesn't mean you have to LIKE her or her choices... Maybe keeping the line open, but not diving head-first back in?
  3. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Boy this is a hard thing to try to answer and it certainly sounds like she either, a) didn't believe it, b) believed it to be something that he wouldn't repeat or, more distubing, c) believed it but doesn't think it's bad enough to leave him over. You say she "went back" to him, so I assume she initially left him? Perhaps he promised to get counseling or to not do it again and she gave him another chance. I'm assuming for the sake of argument he did not actually touch anyone.

    I understand your reluctance. I certainly wouldn't want anything to do with him. However, I would probably reopen communication with my mom in your place. Please understand, I lost my mom at 23 (dad 2 years later) and I've missed her every day for 28 years now, and of course I never had to deal with something like this so I'm definitely coming from a different place. Is it possible to tell her you miss her, but you want absolutely nothing to do with him and don't even want to hear his name and if she can handle that then you want to keep in touch?

    Bottom line for me I guess, is: If she were to pass away tomorrow, would you regret having cut off all communication? Not regret that she made it necessary in your mind, but regret you did it - regardless of what she did? That would answer the question for me - if it were me.

    I hope you find your answer.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh, I dont know what to tell you. This is something far beyond my capabilities. I know someone...or knew them...once who had something similar happen with her mother's boyfriend and her kids. The boyfriend was considered the kids grandfather he had been around so long. The main difference is that once the facts came out when the kids told, the man ended up in prison. My old friend did stay in contact with her mom.

    On another note, I have been meaning to get up with you about the post you did about your daughter and the job. I have talked to my son and he says that she can probably get on with the same employer that he works for...I think you know who that is. According to Billy, as long as she is truthful on the application, it wont be held against her. He worked as assistant manager to someone who had been in prison. Just something for you to ponder.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG, that's a tough one. I agree with Annie and Lil, you can love your mom but not agree with her choices and even though this is a huge choice that she is making, as we all know, relationships are tricky and can rarely fit into a black and white world. We all live in that vast grey area........

    If you love your mom and you miss her, if it were me, I would just call her and tell her the truth, that you are appalled at her husbands behavior, that you do not understand how she could stay with him and that you miss her. Those are the facts, seems like a good place to begin and then allow it to evolve in a way that works for you.

    I think sometimes when folks get older, the fear of being alone outweighs a lot, she may be lonely and even though he is obviously missing some screws, he still may provide her with companionship. It may be worth it to you to open the door a crack, tell her how you feel and what your misgivings are and just see where it goes. Good luck..........
  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Recovering - that is actually exactly what my difficult child told her! I asked her what was said and she read the messages to me. Apparently my mother just wants to sweep everything under the rug and wishes I would do the same. I was thinking about reaching out, but after difficult child read the messages, I just got angry all over again...

    difficult child isn't exactly standing there with open arms, either. I think she got a bit frustrated, too. I asked her if she wanted to send her a Christmas card and she asked why would she want to do that??

    So I guess things will just stay status quo for now...
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2013
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Thank you!! I let her know to check it out. She also has another couple of leads to check on. She has been getting an average of 3 nights lately at Zaxby's. She is frustrated with it, but as the person that cares for Connor, I don't She also has to go to 2 NA meetings a week, so it averages that I get about 2 nights off from babysitting. But I won't complain a bit. We are very, very blessed. They also told her that she can go to another Zaxby's location and get more hours. I really, really want her to go back to school next year. She needs to pick a program and go for it. It is the only way she is ever going to make enough to be self supporting...
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She ain't perf ed cut but she is your mother. I would try at least to have some line of communication open.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think keeping it to Facebook and maybe a once a month phone call is ok, if you want her in your life and only if you really want her in your life. What she did do was in my opinion not forgivable because I do have kids who were abused and somehow they often don't get heard or people excuse those who enable that behavior.

    As long as she is with this man whom your daughter says abused her, and she continues to defend him, I would keep her at a distance. That doesn't mean cut her off completely. Maybe take your daughter's lead. I wouldn't exactly invite her over for Christmas, but Facebook is pretty harmless and if your daughter is ok with it, no biggie.