Anyone have a copy of - When Parents Hurt?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Feb 4, 2010.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    This is an old msnbc blurb but there is still a lot of wisdom in this mans words and interview. A particular standout phrase was

    Are parents to blame? (you'd have to read the entire article but) Not that long ago I would have assumed that Fiona must have done something terribly wrong to cause her daughter to respond in such a dramatic way. My training as a psychologist taught me that the problems of the adult child can always be linked to some form of mistreatment from the parent. While this is often true, it doesn’t hold for all families. And when it is true, it’s often a far more complex picture than most therapists and self-help authors realize. As I worked with Fiona over the next few months, I came to understand that she had been a reasonable and conscientious mother. As her story and others illustrate, it is possible to be a devoted and conscientious parent and still have it go badly. You can do everything right and your child can still grow up and not want to have the kind of relationship with you that you always hoped you’d have. You can do everything right, and your child may still end up with a drug problem that costs you thousands of dollars and endless heartache. You can do everything right and your child may still choose the kind of friends or partners that you never imagined she would have chosen because these people seem so lost and are dragging your child into losing more. You can do everything right and your child can still fail to launch a successful adulthood despite being gifted and talented or possessing an IQ that most people would kill for.Very few of us escape feeling guilt toward our offspring. It may be part of our evolutionary heritage, a way that nature hardwires us to stay sensitive to them, even after they’re grown. And some parents are responsible for transgressions that are harmful to their children: child abuse, incest, neglect, and alcoholism are a few of the more egregious examples. However, whether the parenting mistakes are subtle or serious, real or imagined, today’s parents are completely confused by their children’s failures and accusations. They need guidance and support for themselves, not more advice about their he talked about parents who had done things to the best of their abilities and it still wasn't enough to keep their kids from drugs, to have their children made good choices for themselves, to have a close meaningful relationship, despite all their hard work it (the relationship with their adult children) just wasn't there.

    This book talks about how we STOP getting advice on our kids and how to START getting advice on how to heal US.

    I felt it worthy of a post, and if anyone has a copy I'd like to know. I'm going to check the local library too.
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2010
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont but I will ask Billy when he gets home if he can download it.
  3. cakewalk

    cakewalk Member


    The link didn't work for me. It said "page not found." But, I did a search at my local library and they have When Parents Hurt, author: Joshua Coleman, c2007. I'm going to go pick it up this afternoon.
  4. Bean

    Bean Member

    Sounds interesting. Would like to know what you think of it.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Interesting...I'll look for it.

    Thanks for posting this, Star!
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Star! In my situation, and I think many others would fit this too, my mother was clueless and damaging whether intentional or not. She was raised differently, in a different era, and in dire poverty. In some ways she overcame a lot but she is very toxic and would rather die than change. Most counselors are just scratching the surface with this type of problem, although there have been a very small percentage specially trained who get it.

    But some of us who were raised in situations like this found ways to learn about it, overcome it as best we can, and try to do better with our own kids. We can't fix it all in one generation but we do get it and are trying to break that cycle or be the turning point. Since the mental health professionals, for the most part, are just now catching up to the problems of the generation I described above, they are treating us all like we are the parents who are clueless and keeping all this going. At least this has been my experience and I have found it more than a little frustrating.

    I'm very interested in learning what this author's opinions and suggestions are.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Suz, thanks as always for the link.

    klmno - you know you bring up an interesting point. When you talk about generations and parents it's a whole different world. Sometimes I wonder how my Mom's generation ever survived. I find some of the thoughts of their time very black and white (literally) and while I was raised during the tail end of those years? I don't subscribe to the narrow-mindedness of the general area where I was raised.

    Some of the phrases and ideals, stereotypes that MY Mom was raised with are very much ingrained in her day to day persona so much that if you're not careful and delicate you can get an earful. It's sometimes a delicate balancing act of respecting her as a Mom and finding common ground as a person; not just a daughter with a thinking mind and opinions of her own.

    As a child? We were seen and not heard - ever. I swear I think it's why I talk so much now. I had 1/2 a life time to make up for. lol. If we went to someone's house for a visit that didn't have children? There, in a chair, and that's where you were-period. Sitting, didn't move, did not ask for a thing until Mom was done with her tea and or someone asked maybe if you would like a cookie in their kitchen. Then you left. It's probably why I dislike visiting people today.

    So there are a lot of things that their generation is quirky about and hard core about and their thinking and ideas can roll you over. It's a good bit of negative thinking too. They had a lot to over come. I try to keep that in mind. My Mother was a product of the depression, very poor, extremely abused, sickly and mostly raised by immigrant grandparents. I'm not sure there has been a time in her life that there wasn't a war going on somewhere in the world, or some major sacrafice - she used to wash aluminum foil and dry it. She saves everything always thinking there's a use for it. But on occasion - the way she'll answer things...I can hear a generation gap in her answers. I love her, we'll never see eye to eye on it all - but I'm glad she at least had the foresight to say "See it your way." and broke the cycle.

    Sounds like you found a way to do that without help from your Mom. You should be very proud of yourself. It would have been a lot easier to just be the same you know?
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That's how I try to look at it ,too, Star. Of course my mother made the all-too-stupid choice of letting her known child-molesting bro live with us and refused mental health counseling/psychoeducation for the family, along with other things. But I do feel more for her than my bro, still. I just have to keep her at arms length and hope difficult child learns the importance of this as well.
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Sounds AWESOME!
    Many thanks Star!
    Thank you Suz as well!
    I have been AMAZED at how this controversy still goes around and around in psychiatric circles. HOWEVER, have also noticed that many of the 'older' and more experienced professors feel that human beings are a mixture of many factors. Many feel that we are essentially born with a personality. My particular discipline, likes to look at a person through all the major areas: biology/genetics, psychology/personality and environment. Generally, biology seems to have the strongest influence. But with motivation and effort, using psychology and the right environment can be very helpful and often makes a positive difference.
  11. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    Reading this thread makes me realize how lucky I am. My ex left the week before easy child was born. To give stability to easy child's life and to give him a male role model, I moved back in with my parents. That decision forced changes in our lives that I don't think would of happened if I hadn't moved back in as an adult and mother.

    My parents watched me raise easy child and would ask questions about why I was doing things a certain way. That lead me to tell them that I wanted easy child to know that I loved him no matter what because I never felt that way.

    My parents were raised in the style of "tell your kids when they screw up, but they should know that you love them without a word". And I remember my Dad telling me that they raised me the way that they were raised. That they didn't know that there was another way. So we were able to have a heart-to-heart about how I always that he hated me and that I could never do anything to make him happy. My poor Dad cried because that was so far off from the truth. I hung the moon in his world.

    Now, my Dad is one of my best friends!! I so wish we could of had this all through my life, but I'm very grateful that I've had it for the last 20 years.

    I still want to read this book. I showed the link to a friend and she has ordered the book. I get to read it after her.

    Now all I need is the companion book that would show husband how to disconnect with his mother. No matter how many times she rips his heart out and stomps on it, he has to keep that relationship with her because she's is mom and he has to.
  12. cakewalk

    cakewalk Member

    I'm halfway through this book. I highly recommend it for those of you needing guidance in this area. Thank you, Star, for the recommendation.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I picked it up from our library Saturday. Um.....will have to tell you though it was easier to get a mortgage on my home than it was to get a library card from the "book nazi loaning building." :ashamed:

    .75 a day late fees
    they inspect before and after leaving their establishment
    subject to their discretion for replacement
    due to excessive smoking
    water damage
    and lets not even go into
    DVD rentals.....ARGH.....i just put that back.

    I vote our local library be put in charge of the local government. WOW!
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Star, you know that the libraries in SC aren't particularly interested in lending books out. They might get too many literate citizens. Then they might figure out how to vote in their best interests...

    Back in my corner...
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    OMG WITZ.......(youze a bat gurl) :tongue: ROFLMlibrary card and voter registration card, and notary card completely off.