Hi Sunshine and welcome to the forum.
First I so understand how you feel when your precious child goes off the rails. It's so hard to deal with, even from our own perspectives, because of the guilt and shame and where-did-I-go-wrong? That is so natural for all of us as parents. I don't have any grandchildren, but I can see how you would worry about your daughter's lifestyle and how that might affect your granddaughter.
How do we deal with emotions like these? I used to be the world's biggest worrier, about all kinds of things. I would worry about things that were way in the future and had little chance of ever happening.
That was a trait I had all my life, until about the past 10 years, as I went through my own divorce, and started learning about acceptance, and then my son's drug addiction, where I learned even more. I had to, to preserve my own sanity and find some peace somehow.
It's really hard. It's hard to accept things we don't like and don't agree with and can't understand, especially when it's our own kids, who we raised and influenced. It's like they are rejecting us and all we stand for.
My mother, who is 83 and a very direct talker, told the four grandkids that if any of them ever got a tattoo, she was writing them out of the will. She was kidding a little bit but not much. My Difficult Child of course, has multiple tattoos, and he tried to keep them secret from her and from me for a long time. After all the things he ended up doing, tattoos were the least of my concerns, which is what I told him once I found out about them. I'm not big on tattoos (I know I'm an old fogey), but hey, I understand they are the norm now and not just part of the "parking lot crowd" like they were when I was in high school. And again, that turned out to be the least of my concerns after my son went to jail multiple times, was homeless, was using drugs, was stealing from people.
But for some, like you, tattoos may be a symbol of things changing and her rejecting the life you wanted for her. I see that, and I understand that you're afraid for your daughter and her child.
Fear is a huge burden many of us carry around for years. I did. I was terrified of "what might happen" in so many situations and with so many people that I love, because I didn't want to feel the pain of it.
Over the years, I have learned about feeling pain and allowing my feelings to flood over me, realizing that they won't kill me, and then letting them go. Feelings aren't facts. But they are real. Those two sentences were puzzling to me for a long, long time. Understanding how are feelings shouldn't determine our actions is a huge thing to grasp and learn, and there is a lot of help out there, from therapy and groups like Al-Anon and other organizations, to help us let go of things we can't control. Like our adult kids.
Sunshine, I read in your post that you have so much fear and worry about your daughter and her choices, and then, about your grandchild. I am glad you are stopping the flow of money. Keep it simple for yourself: a grown woman who is an adult and who has a child shouldn't be getting money from her parents. Plain and simple. It's not about anything else but that.
It can be so interesting when we stop the flow of money, which is one of the first steps I took in my road to stopping enabling my son. It's interesting what they will do, which is often to get really really mad and push back on us hard.
In time, I hope you can even stop the car insurance payment, but I understand why you are doing it.
We have to learn to completely let go of our adult children, the functional ones and the not-functional ones. I have two sons and I have had to let go of both of them---the Super Achiever and the Difficult Child.
It takes time and work, and it is so worth it, because on the other side is peace and serenity and relief and contentment like you never dreamed of.
I hope you will immediately get some professional help if you are suicidal and depressed. Medication and therapy may be a great first step for you, if that is the case. Then, you can go on to read and study and learn about a life of acceptance, a life of living with uncertainty, when you are ready.
We will be here for you through it all, with understanding and care and support. We get it, and we care here.
Warm hugs this morning.
