Wow...I should never get on here when I'm at work.
And I opted for non-waterproof mascara today.
Jabber's right. I have so much less detachment when we speak...and even less when I see him face to face. Having him this close...just no. I find myself "rehearsing" all the things that need said. How we can't be involved in a daily basis with him. How we won't be giving him rides here and there. How he has had so many chances to get settled and has never taken advantage of them. How he just...has to leave us alone!
Yes, we'll take him out to dinner
occasionally. Sure, there
may be times when he can come over. But he HAS to live his life on his own. Not because we're mad at him. Not because we're trying to punish him. Because we can't "help" without it making him worse. HE has to accept responsibility for his own choices and until he does that...we have to keep our distance.
He won't listen. He won't hear how his body language and mouth have gotten him kicked out of both his grandparent's and aunt's. No...it's not his fault. To him what we'll say is, "You are always to blame. You're bad. We don't want you."
Just writing that made me tear up again. When he was 2 or 3, I picked him up from daycare and found him all alone in a dark classroom. The teacher didn't even know he was there, they were out with the other kids! I asked him, "Honey, why are you in here all alone?" His response was, "I'm bad." He was in a new daycare the next day, but I think that's what he hears...I've heard him say as a kid, "They think I'm bad." and as an adult, "They think I'm scum." It breaks my heart.
And now I absolutely have to stop this now.
Copa, you're right. I don't feel joy anymore when I think of my son. Just sadness...and dread.
I'm so afraid he's going to ask to move in with us or expect it to be like it was before, when he came for dinner every week. I actually kind of enjoyed that...but it always leads to him expecting more and more and more.