hearts and roses
Mind Reader
I am driving down to PA today with loco sister (T) to meet with the sister (M) whose house my mom lives at. My other sister (S) is joining us as well. We will be meeting to finalize the paperwork with the VA & state and to choose mom's nursing home. Over Thanksgiving weekend Mom really went downhill and while it was time to move on this at the very least a year ago (I suggested it two years ago, but no one would listen to me then), now the time is definitely here!
While I think that ultimately we all want mom in a safe, comfortable, clean and appropriate place, we all have our own style of conveying that message. I tend to be businesslike and less emotional about it until I'm alone or it's over (a lasting effect, I believe, from dealing with too many difficult children in my life, mom and loco sister included). Anyway, my 3 sisters tend to be overly dramatic and emotional - and they all want to have control. M is completely insulted that we're all converging on her for two days to get this done. T has a way of speaking that is condescending and bossy and M hates that (well, we all do). S, the oldest, you would think turned into a mouse - she hates rocking the boat and she's afraid to say anything that will cause a rift, which, I believe in this case, is inevitable to a degree considering the varied personalities involved. T didn't need to, but she practically begged me to go because she said, "You need to be there - you have to be the voice of reason". Okay - I get it...Ms. Unemotional here will be the voice of reason, the calmer.
Last night M called me crying and angry. She's so angry by every little thing that any one says, in particular when I said, "M, you've done the best you can for mom. It's time for us to do this and we all need to have a voice in where she goes and how. You really should try to stop personalizing this" to which she responded very angrily because she said that it sounds like I'm saying her best is not good enough. Well, her best was her best...just as my best would be my best. While I like to think that my mom would have been better off up here in CT, I think that T and I would have had our own limitations with her as it is primarily about mom's health, not so much her day to day care. I know we all love her and would do our best to make her comfortable.
Anyway........the conflict we're facing (and thank you for reading all this far!) is two things: First, where will mom live? In CT or should she stay in PA? I would like her up here because there are just so many more people to support her no matter where she ends up. Between T and her family and me and my family - there will be about 7 adults to share the burden. If she stays in PA, it's just M and her H. The second is getting the paperwork DONE, once and for all. M has had the paperwork for over a year now and has sat on it. She hasn't processed any of the VA stuff or the Title 19 forms, she hasn't kept a record of mom's income and expenses - she just throws it all together with hers. I am nervous that that would make it difficult for us to pull her up to CT should that option become the final choice.
I don't want to make this trip, 6 hours each way and we're coming home tomorrow night, just to spin our wheels again. I don't want anyone, mostly T and M, to get into a pissing contest about who does more and who cares more, etc. I just want to pick up the pieces of where we are now and get it done already!
If you all could throw up a little board power, I would most definitely appreciate it!!!!! I need to be the one who brings them all back to the here and now, the one who can calmly settle everyone so we can focus on the task at hand. Thanks.
While I think that ultimately we all want mom in a safe, comfortable, clean and appropriate place, we all have our own style of conveying that message. I tend to be businesslike and less emotional about it until I'm alone or it's over (a lasting effect, I believe, from dealing with too many difficult children in my life, mom and loco sister included). Anyway, my 3 sisters tend to be overly dramatic and emotional - and they all want to have control. M is completely insulted that we're all converging on her for two days to get this done. T has a way of speaking that is condescending and bossy and M hates that (well, we all do). S, the oldest, you would think turned into a mouse - she hates rocking the boat and she's afraid to say anything that will cause a rift, which, I believe in this case, is inevitable to a degree considering the varied personalities involved. T didn't need to, but she practically begged me to go because she said, "You need to be there - you have to be the voice of reason". Okay - I get it...Ms. Unemotional here will be the voice of reason, the calmer.
Last night M called me crying and angry. She's so angry by every little thing that any one says, in particular when I said, "M, you've done the best you can for mom. It's time for us to do this and we all need to have a voice in where she goes and how. You really should try to stop personalizing this" to which she responded very angrily because she said that it sounds like I'm saying her best is not good enough. Well, her best was her best...just as my best would be my best. While I like to think that my mom would have been better off up here in CT, I think that T and I would have had our own limitations with her as it is primarily about mom's health, not so much her day to day care. I know we all love her and would do our best to make her comfortable.
Anyway........the conflict we're facing (and thank you for reading all this far!) is two things: First, where will mom live? In CT or should she stay in PA? I would like her up here because there are just so many more people to support her no matter where she ends up. Between T and her family and me and my family - there will be about 7 adults to share the burden. If she stays in PA, it's just M and her H. The second is getting the paperwork DONE, once and for all. M has had the paperwork for over a year now and has sat on it. She hasn't processed any of the VA stuff or the Title 19 forms, she hasn't kept a record of mom's income and expenses - she just throws it all together with hers. I am nervous that that would make it difficult for us to pull her up to CT should that option become the final choice.
I don't want to make this trip, 6 hours each way and we're coming home tomorrow night, just to spin our wheels again. I don't want anyone, mostly T and M, to get into a pissing contest about who does more and who cares more, etc. I just want to pick up the pieces of where we are now and get it done already!
If you all could throw up a little board power, I would most definitely appreciate it!!!!! I need to be the one who brings them all back to the here and now, the one who can calmly settle everyone so we can focus on the task at hand. Thanks.
