Asking for some board power, please~

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Dec 7, 2009.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I am driving down to PA today with loco sister (T) to meet with the sister (M) whose house my mom lives at. My other sister (S) is joining us as well. We will be meeting to finalize the paperwork with the VA & state and to choose mom's nursing home. Over Thanksgiving weekend Mom really went downhill and while it was time to move on this at the very least a year ago (I suggested it two years ago, but no one would listen to me then), now the time is definitely here!

    While I think that ultimately we all want mom in a safe, comfortable, clean and appropriate place, we all have our own style of conveying that message. I tend to be businesslike and less emotional about it until I'm alone or it's over (a lasting effect, I believe, from dealing with too many difficult children in my life, mom and loco sister included). Anyway, my 3 sisters tend to be overly dramatic and emotional - and they all want to have control. M is completely insulted that we're all converging on her for two days to get this done. T has a way of speaking that is condescending and bossy and M hates that (well, we all do). S, the oldest, you would think turned into a mouse - she hates rocking the boat and she's afraid to say anything that will cause a rift, which, I believe in this case, is inevitable to a degree considering the varied personalities involved. T didn't need to, but she practically begged me to go because she said, "You need to be there - you have to be the voice of reason". Okay - I get it...Ms. Unemotional here will be the voice of reason, the calmer.

    Last night M called me crying and angry. She's so angry by every little thing that any one says, in particular when I said, "M, you've done the best you can for mom. It's time for us to do this and we all need to have a voice in where she goes and how. You really should try to stop personalizing this" to which she responded very angrily because she said that it sounds like I'm saying her best is not good enough. Well, her best was her best...just as my best would be my best. While I like to think that my mom would have been better off up here in CT, I think that T and I would have had our own limitations with her as it is primarily about mom's health, not so much her day to day care. I know we all love her and would do our best to make her comfortable.

    Anyway........the conflict we're facing (and thank you for reading all this far!) is two things: First, where will mom live? In CT or should she stay in PA? I would like her up here because there are just so many more people to support her no matter where she ends up. Between T and her family and me and my family - there will be about 7 adults to share the burden. If she stays in PA, it's just M and her H. The second is getting the paperwork DONE, once and for all. M has had the paperwork for over a year now and has sat on it. She hasn't processed any of the VA stuff or the Title 19 forms, she hasn't kept a record of mom's income and expenses - she just throws it all together with hers. I am nervous that that would make it difficult for us to pull her up to CT should that option become the final choice.

    I don't want to make this trip, 6 hours each way and we're coming home tomorrow night, just to spin our wheels again. I don't want anyone, mostly T and M, to get into a pissing contest about who does more and who cares more, etc. I just want to pick up the pieces of where we are now and get it done already!

    If you all could throw up a little board power, I would most definitely appreciate it!!!!! I need to be the one who brings them all back to the here and now, the one who can calmly settle everyone so we can focus on the task at hand. Thanks.
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Good luck, Jo. It sounds like a monstrous task on many levels. How lucky your Mom is to have children who are looking out for her. Sending good thoughts.

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo...Im so sorry your mom is at this time now. Im also sorry that you adult kids are faced with this awful decision. It stinks. It is horribly emotional. However, it really is in her best interest and Mom will really be happy and do well in an appropriate placement.

    I think you should determine placement for your mom based on where you can find the most appropriate facility. Also consider how everyone will be able to visit her regularly when picking this place. Try and make it easily accessible to the most children. You will want to visit regularly. That is important in your case.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    WOW Jo,

    Board Power and THEN some.....(((((EXTRA WHAMMY POWER)))))

    You got it babe!!! Quite and undertaking you're orchestrating. Hope all goes as good as it can. Not an easy task even if everyone agreed on something.

  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending good thoughts...hope you can accomplish this with as little drama as possible.
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Saw this late...
    Hope all is well....
    Sending good thoughts....
  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Rattling beads and shakin' chickens and their livers that the sibs all listen to you and do what's best for your mom. You're in a tough position, but you're right that this needs to be done and with a level head.

    Good luck!
  8. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I hope things work out for the best for you entire family.
  9. lizanne2

    lizanne2 New Member

    Rattling and shaking!
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm sorry this sounds like it's turning into a harder situation. I hope it went better than expected. Please update us when you have a chance.
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thanks so much for all the board power! It worked!

    All 4 sisters were kind with one another, respectful of one another's feelings and some major progress was made in regards to my Mom's placement.

    We visited 5 homes. I only walked through 3 - could not handle some of it because we found this FABULOUS place and that was followed by mediocre places. I was so torn up inside because the fabulous find meant to me that we'd have to leave Mom in PA, which I don't want to do. Ultimately, my sister T and I want to bring her up to CT but, of course, we don't want to do that at the detriment to the level of care she would receive. Having her in CT would be better in terms of having A LOT of family to help with visits, etc. In PA there is only my one sister, who is always running at a frenetic pace - very scary - and I would like my Mom to have as much of a family presence as possible. T and I would make a committment to visit at least once monthly if she is placed in PA, however, it would be best if she were here.

    Since we did find two great places for her in PA, we may have to reconcile with her remaining there. But we are going to look around here in CT and file the paperwork that is necessary should we find a home that is comparable.

    This is so emotionally exhausting. Thanks for the support. It really went way better than expected and I'm so happy. Now comes the leg work.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You can go online somewhere...I cant remember the actual place...but you can find the nursing home ratings for nursing homes in a state. Probably google that statement. Nursing home ratings in state XXX. Its in the actual state website. Gives how many complaints, number of nurses, number of something or other. I cant remember off the top of my head.