Aspie/Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) linguistic nit-picking...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by InsaneCdn, Mar 24, 2013.

  1. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Help! I need some creative, tried-and-true ideas...

    difficult child is spectrumish.
    He's really wearing us down these days, with some intensive nit-picking.
    If we call something "red", he'll say its not "red" it's... burgundy, or cherry, or... whatever other shade of red.
    If we say a book is a biography, he'll say it's not, it's a... personal life story.
    A book isn't about mechanics, it's about automotive mechanics.

    Two layers -
    1) the instant "not", and
    2) the Mr Professor perfectionistic correction of the rest of us.

    Look out if we try to correct him, of course.
    Which drives K2 especially around the bend, as SHE happens to be the "local linguistic expert" - so please, do NOT mis-use a word. (she'd kill me on that word, too... it should be "abuse" not "mis-use")

    So now we have it going both ways and I'm getting killed in the verbal cross-fire.

    How do you teach an Aspie-ish teenager about those really subtle things like "tact"?
    Or ANY teenager, as... K2 isn't exactly full of "tact" around her brother either.

    (and it doesn't help that I'm not well known for it either, so... lessons here would also help!)
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    LOL! Your last sentence made me laugh so hard that I have to think about a response to the rest of it. OMG! Funny! I'm the same. How can *I* teach tact? LOLOL.
  3. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    Hum.... are you describing my mother???? LOL
    The only thing that ever makes her pause (not stop) is to explain that it can be diminishing to the other person, the one that was originally talking.
    Yes, I know: perspective taking... another obstacle!
    I would not argue the accuracy of the "correction", just say that people just don't like being corrected all the time. Once in a while is ok, just not all the time.
    This part, I have never done with my mother obviously, but could you give both of your teens an allowance of corrections? Like: 10 a day each. And maybe slowly go down all the while making them participate in analizing the tension in the family going down? Call it a " human experience: tension/correction". Just an idea.
  4. TeDo

    TeDo CD Hall of Fame

    Insane, I really wish I could offer you something besides huge hugs and lots of support. I have the same issues here.

    difficult child 1 will argue that hiking boots are NOT shoes, they're boots because they're called hiking BOOTS not hiking SHOES. And boots are not shoes either or they wouldn't have their own name. (That's just the most recent one) Grrrr

    difficult child 2 argues the "precise" stuff too like the color scenario you gave.

    It is ALL day long so I really hear your anguish. I will be following this thread for something that might work. Thanks for posing this "dilemma" and {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}}
  5. I think recognizing that they are both very smart young people and letting them know that you see how smart they are would be a great conversation opener. (I'm sure you already do this)

    Maybe you could then progress to everyone having strengths in certain areas and weaknesses in others but that while we know we have weaknesses it makes us sad/hurt to have them pointed out to us
    all the time.

    I like the idea of giving them 10 corrections a day or you could ask them to only correct every 10th time.

    Sometimes corrections don't need to be made and don't really matter in the long run. Could your kids understand that being right sometimes isn't worth it if it hurts the other person? Maybe give an example of red vs. cherry doesn't matter... then compare it to a situation that really does matter like taking 2 Advil vs. 6 Advil which could cause someone to get sick - then you're really being helpful and kind.

    Ever heard of that game "Would you rather?" You give 2 different scenarios and the person has to pick just one. Like would you rather eat worms or kiss a monkey? You could change that around to.... would you rather Point out this inaccuracy or that one? Then have a discussion about why? Might be something that could happen as a fun thing around the dinner table.

    *Not sure if that helps. I'm interested to see what others say.
  6. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Oh sounds like you live in my house! I call it "debating" often. The idea of given a limit is a good one (I'll have to try that), but I absolutely refuse to enter into any kind of debate. You're right it is tiring. I hear you.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sounds familiar!
    Lol ... I don't think you're going to "win" this one.
    I would make it into a game.
    I remember, yrs ago, driving difficult child home from school, when he insisted that potatoes were wheat. (Some of you here may remember that.)
    Hey, at least he was talking and not kicking the doors, breaking CDs, or pulling my hair!
    Many people (incl the police who have come to our house, and a SW at the psychiatric hospital) have suggested that difficult child take a debate class. He hasn't taken one yet but he will ...

    The only thing that will stop it in its tracks is to change the subject. Like, slamming on the brakes and yelling, "OMG, did you see that pack of pteradactyls?!" Or, quietly saying, "I am so tired today. That kind of conversation hurts my feelings. I know you think it sounds strange, but I have to drive, and it's too hard to drive when I'm crying. Let's just be quiet for a while."
    Those types of things worked 90% of the time for me.
    The other 10% ... Lord help you. :kickme:
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    All of the above. And group effort.
    One meal per week (doesn't have to always been dinner) dedicate to social skills for EVERYONE (yes, you included, lol). Everything from very simple "Please pass the potatoes" and the proper way to pass them around the table (I forget the correct method, put one of the kids to researching this stuff). If it makes it easier and less stuffy, work only specific skills per meals - spoken skills (like not correcting each other), table settings, small talk, etc. If you have the kids help in researching it also involves them more and gives them a chance to show off what they've learned and do some teaching to you as well (which might make them feel better about doing it).
  9. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Oh I can relate! Disclaimer first: nothing I post works all the time on all my difficult children. I find that with husband when he tries this with me I give him "the look". If that doesn't work I change the subject. If I try to get him to see my point of view and that he hurt my feelings he just argues it. difficult child 1 I ignore most of what he says and he just keeps talking. There are some phrases I use with all 3 kids.

    "I don't care what you call it you know what I was talking about."
    "You can call it ... And he can call it ... And both are right. There is more than one right answer." Of course they don't agree that there is more than one right answer, but if they continue to argue I start sending kids to their rooms or time out.
    "No he is not cheating he is just playing differently than you."
    "I don't care who is right." And then when they try to argue their point say "I don't care"every time they open their mouths. It takes difficult child 1 about 3 trys before he gives up and goes off muttering his case to himself.

    I find that while my kids are sweet and loving because of the autism they just don't get the 'your hurting your sibling by correcting them'. The closest I've gotten to be able to teach them that is for them to help somebody be happy. This does get them to do nice things for each other, but it doesn't stop them from the nit picking. Because they can't put together that the nit picking is hurting. The flip side of this is that you can be very blunt with them and not hurt their feelings, as long as it is said in a very matter of fact tone of voice.

    We are still very much working on this and I'll be re-reading this thread for ideas.
  10. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    We also have the instant no here. And I don't have a good answer.