At a low point

[healinginside]

In my own life, I could not accept this for many years. My son has only wanted from me, what he wanted. Not what I wanted for him, or with him. This caused me infinite pain. I resisted it. Now I don't. I still feel pain, but I recognize mostly that I have a choice about how long I sit with it.

Thinking and praying for you and your situation with your son. I wish you a peaceful weekend.

 

[healinginside]

I understand perfectly the feelings you are experiencing, the shame and guilt, wracking your brain with how you can help him.

Thank you, Newlife....your support means so much to me right now. I'm drawing strength from these posts. And thank you from the deepest part of my heart for worrying about me and what happened. I spent four more days crying. I don't think I've ever cried that much. I just had to get it all out and process it. Now it is that odd feeling "a new normal you never wanted". There's probably a book named that somewhere in this world.

Your 10 years of experience with your daughter is teaching me something. It reminded me to remain strong in my boundaries and your words gave me chills. I have noticed that I do become weak during the "Mother's Day" season. There is so much that goes along with it that just gets to my heart.

We also know a lot of families that do everything for their adult children. We have to be ourselves and let our children walk their own paths in life. Whatever that path might look like. I am letting this be a good reminder.

My daughter has been pretty good about the situation. She is a very caring person. She did not care about her reputation being tarnished by his behavior, she felt more sorry for him. And, don't worry - I would never ask her to lie. We just talked about being ready for rude words from high school kids. It could happen and it could be embarrassing for her, which was why I wanted to have a few words about it. Just be ready, I told her, if someone says something. She is. She is very down to earth.

I heard a good thing - you can't get there if you don't stay here. It is about staying in the present. We can't get to our goals if we ruminate over the past or stress about the future.

Thank you for sharing your heart with me. I appreciate the kind words more than you know.

 

[Copabanana]

he still gave me a vibe that he would rather stay (strangely) where he was instead of going into drug treatment.

I worked in prison mental health for 30 years. Many guys, particularly, just love jails and prison reception centers. Maybe "love" is putting it too strongly, but not much. They have absolutely no responsibilities or demands on their time. They get healthy. They work out. They get the necessary medical treatment. They read. They play chess or cards or dominos. They write letters. They party. They sleep. They have fun. If somebody is relatively social and has self-confidence, and maybe is a little street-wise, that helps, they do fine.

What they want, is to get out of jail. If there is a get-out-of-jail-free card. (I have infinite compassion and care for prisoners. But what i am writing I saw and experienced with my own eyes and ears.)

I am unsurprised if your son might prefer this, to a drug treatment program. Unless he is really motivated towards sobriety, he might see drug treatment as the equivalent of jail, or worse. Because in a jail there is a lot of liberty of conduct inside. There can be a lot of socializing and fun, once you get used to it.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Wow - this really hit home for me. Gave me chills and I think I needed to read this and hear it at the same time - something clicked in my brain. This has lifted me up a bit from my rut of wanting to come in and fix everything.

Here is how the day went:

He texted me, asking how things were coming along. He also mentioned he was doing well - playing chess, journaling, reading; etc. He seemed good, oddly enough. I think others have mentioned that their children are sometimes at their best during these trying situations.

I responded by telling him that the public defender felt he could get a bond if he went for in-patient drug treatment. I clarified for him that the public defender did not mention a sober living situation. only the in-patient drug treatment.

I mentioned that I was unable to connect with his healthcare provider due to privacy issues (true but I'm really stalling him), and these things are complicated and take time.

When he came out of nowhere and said he doesn't need drug treatment and I realized he wanted sober living - it told me he doesn't value the path of drug treatment and exactly like you pointed out -

I also asked him to do something for me - to continue having a peaceful day, to continue these positive things. He wrote back and told me the name of a treatment center, said his "I'm sorry and love you", and "These are the plans for my future", but he still gave me a vibe that he would rather stay (strangely) where he was instead of going into drug treatment. As you said - I'm not hearing the "I'm completely changing my life" that one would expect to hear if someone was REALLY "completely changing their life".

He's not pressing. I find that odd.

I'm going to take your advice. I will help him find out info since he can't but will NOT rush, push, or (especially) PAY.

Once again, thank you Copa, I've screenshotted some of your posts to refer back to when I'm weak.

Thank you for letting me borrow some of your strength.

I have the biggest smile on my face. In such a heart wrenching, think my world has ended tragedy I see you and the process is starting that you are coming to terms of his helping self. It is quite the shock at first, hits you like a ton of bricks and our loving maternal instinct to rush in and save the world. In your reply to me am also happy to hear how your daughter is coping, wonderful! Keep this going, the upswing and thoughts more geared toward his figuring it out. Don’t worry about the days that creep up again with sadness. Today was my day for sad memories, I let myself grieve all that could have been for a bit but, did not let it consume my day as I normally would allow.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I worked in prison mental health for 30 years. Many guys, particularly, just love jails and prison reception centers. Maybe "love" is putting it too strongly, but not much. They have absolutely no responsibilities or demands on their time. They get healthy. They work out. They get the necessary medical treatment. They read. They play chess or cards or dominos. They write letters. They party. They sleep. They have fun. If somebody is relatively social and has self-confidence, and maybe is a little street-wise, that helps, they do fine.

What they want, is to get out of jail. If there is a get-out-of-jail-free card. (I have infinite compassion and care for prisoners. But what i am writing I saw and experienced with my own eyes and ears.)

I am unsurprised if your son might prefer this, to a drug treatment program. Unless he is really motivated towards sobriety, he might see drug treatment as the equivalent of jail, or worse. Because in a jail there is a lot of liberty of conduct inside. There can be a lot of socializing and fun, once you get used to it.

I feel this too Copa! Feel as if my daughter actually loves being in jail as she wants to be taken care of, does not have to pay bills, food and shelter, is free to sleep all day long as she did when living with us. No responsibility what so ever. I also feel when she gets out that she will do something to get right back in. Quite possibly, even though they don’t have freedom to come and go as they please, jail might not be the worst place to be for them compared to a life they could be living on the streets. I hate to say it but there are also drugs in prison, the exact jail my daughter is in they had 2 correctional offers dealing big time drugs inside.

“On April 26, 2024, several corrections Jail in Florida were arrested and charged with smuggling drugs into the jail. The officers were accused of conspiring with inmates and outside conspirators to bring contraband, including drugs and cellphones, into the facility.”

 

[Copabanana]

“On April 26, 2024, several corrections Jail in Florida were arrested and charged with smuggling drugs into the jail. The officers were accused of conspiring with inmates and outside conspirators to bring contraband, including drugs and cellphones, into the facility.”

What a coincidence. Last night I dreamt (so seldom do I remember my dreams) that I ended up back working in prison. I couldn't find my way out of the prison in my dreams, no matter how much I tried. I was desperate to leave, and couldn't. But the thing I remembered reading your text, is that I had forgotten and brought in my cell phone in my purse. I was frantic that the phone would ring.

It's so weird to me that the fear would follow me this long. Except for a few months, about 6 years ago, I haven't worked in prisons since 2012, when my Mom got sick. The fear is so embedded in me, that I can't kick it, I guess. Not fear of inmates. Never them. But of the correctional system. The climate of suspicion. And the control. I don't miss that at all.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

What a coincidence. Last night I dreamt (so seldom do I remember my dreams) that I ended up back working in prison. I couldn't find my way out of the prison in my dreams, no matter how much I tried. I was desperate to leave, and couldn't. But the thing I remembered reading your text, is that I had forgotten and brought in my cell phone in my purse. I was frantic that the phone would ring.

It's so weird to me that the fear would follow me this long. Except for a few months, about 6 years ago, I haven't worked in prisons since 2012, when my Mom got sick. The fear is so embedded in me, that I can't kick it, I guess. Not fear of inmates. Never them. But of the correctional system. The climate of suspicion. And the control. I don't miss that at all.

Thank you Copa for what you could do during your time there. Sorry though it’s left such an impact on you still today. My son worked the job for a whole week and got out fast. Told me he not only had to watch his back with the inmates but also the other officers.

 

[healinginside]

I am unsurprised if your son might prefer this, to a drug treatment program.

This makes total sense. I'm getting that he is in a "good spot" in jail right now. That's the vibe I'm getting. And you're right - they want out, but he was pushing back on the in-patient rehab, which doesn't have as much liberty with behavior.

We also don't know if he would fail, leave, violate bond terms; etc. if he was released to rehab.

It is the weekend and nothing can be done so we have no choice but to enjoy it. Thank you, Copa.

 

[healinginside]

I feel this too Copa! Feel as if my daughter actually loves being in jail as she wants to be taken care of, does not have to pay bills, food and shelter, is free to sleep all day long as she did when living with us. No responsibility what so ever. I also feel when she gets out that she will do something to get right back in. Quite possibly, even though they don’t have freedom to come and go as they please, jail might not be the worst place to be for them compared to a life they could be living on the streets. I hate to say it but there are also drugs in prison, the exact jail my daughter is in they had 2 correctional offers dealing big time drugs inside.

“On April 26, 2024, several corrections Jail in Florida were arrested and charged with smuggling drugs into the jail. The officers were accused of conspiring with inmates and outside conspirators to bring contraband, including drugs and cellphones, into the facility.”

I've heard that it doesn't take long for some inmates to become institutionalized. That there is a different world in jail - maybe they are someone who is admired in jail or has power or a good "position". Maybe they have "friends" that can't leave them or a job or duty that they do and out in the real world it is too much for them.

 

[Copabanana]

I've heard that it doesn't take long for some inmates to become institutionalized.

To me, institutionalization differs from what i am describing about jail and prison reception centers. Jail becomes a "time out." They know they will soon be out. And they can lay back, until that happens.

Long-term prison is different. Institutionalized inmates feel security in prison, especially in their cells. It's like we feel in our homes.