At the end of my rope

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ThinkPurple, Jul 11, 2016.

  1. ThinkPurple

    ThinkPurple New Member

    I am a single mother of four kids aged 10, 6, 3, and 3. My ex (their father) left us one night two years ago. He said he was going to do laundry and has never looked back. No child support, no visitation, he lives in a completely different state. Though I have called and begged him (literally) to help me he refuses and him and his new girlfriend just sit back and laugh at my situation. Now on to the situation:

    My ten year old tries, I think, to be good. At least sometimes. He has been diagnosed with ODD, depression, and anxiety. He will hit his siblings and scream. He has thrown things at me and them. He has said he was going to kill us all. He's going to kill himself. He's just very angry at the world and most of this started after his father left. He has always had a bad temper (yelling and screaming), it just escalated. Perhaps the worst issue of his that I am dealing with is that he poops his pants. All the time. I've taken him to doctors, there is nothing physically wrong. The psychiatrist said it ties into the ODD. I found a pair of his pants with MAGGOTS in them because he had just tossed them in the dirty clothes instead of cleaning them out like he is supposed to. He doesn't listen very well, when asked to do something it's a huge fight that turns into no one cares about him and he hates everyone.

    My 6 year old is developmentally disabled. She eats everything in the house. I also thinks she has been paying too much attention to her brother and will throw things and punch walls when she is angry. She listens even less than the ten year old. Unlike her brother, the six year old WILL hit me and do it repeatedly.

    NOTHING WORKS. I have tried spanking, time out, positive behavior reinforcement, taking everything away. Nothing is working and on top of everything else going on I just, I'm at the end of my rope here. I'm about to lose my house because my kids chased off my boyfriend of a year with their issues. I'm about to lose the job I just got because of their issues. I can't cope anymore.

    And on top of everything else, one of the 3 year olds is autistic. I have NO SUPPORT. None. No one wants to deal with my kids. No one wants to take them for a couple of hours. I am stuck and have no idea where I am going.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, don't you get any community supports or respite?
  3. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I would place a call to the department of human services in your area (Google search should get you the number) and let them know your situation, and that you need assistance. There is usually respite care available to help watch the kids for an hour or so at a time.

    I would also look into therapy for the kids. They suffered a huge trauma when your ex took off. This probably made any underlying problems worse.

    Keep us posted.
  4. KatieW9908

    KatieW9908 New Member

    I feel for you, it took forever for us to understand our options for psychological care, and we still feel like there's not enough support. And we are only dealing with one child, so I can't imagine what you're going through. Our journey (which is completely not over, by the way) started when a traditional therapist finally pointed us to the local Crisis Center. They are usually located within a hospital's ER, but not every hospital has a designated Crisis Center. It took way more time from there to even BEGIN to get the kind of care we needed, but that was the first step, as that was where we were first introduced to hospitalization and wraparound care options. Covered by medical assistance/Medicaid-types of insurance usually. Maybe look for your local Crisis Center?
  5. ThinkPurple

    ThinkPurple New Member

    The 10 year old sees a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly, there have been no improvements, even switching between medications. The 6 year old has not started therapy as of yet, but with the way she has been acting I am setting her up an appointment.

    I have been looking for residential programs to help my son because I just can't do it. I am not having any luck whatsoever in my small slice of the earth.
  6. ThinkPurple

    ThinkPurple New Member

    @SomewhereOutThere I do not get any community support or respite, I don't even know if that is even available here. I'm terrified to call social services because I don't want to tell them what is going on and have them take all of my kids away.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There should be community help. My autistic son started interventions before age 2. It really helped. You can also call your county mental health services. You need support.
  8. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Doubt they will as they try to keep families together so please try to get community help.
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You should be entitled to enforced child support. I believe you go to the district attorney of your county. Somebody will know for sure.

    As somebody asked, have you applied for AID and subsidized housing?
    Is there a way you can portion off your house and get a renter in part?

    The school district will be responsible for a lot of the burden of providing an adequate placement for your child that deals with the behavioral component.

    If the demands and problems of one child are pushing you over the edge, so that you cannot care for the others, and the security of the others are jeopardized, maybe foster care might be an answer, short term until you can find a way to cobble together services and support.

    Do you belong to a church or synagogue? There are family service agencies that have social workers who work with families and individuals in just these circumstances. Jewish Family Services is all over the country and they are wonderful. They work with anybody no matter what the faith.

    What I think you need is somebody to sit down with you (like a social worker in an agency such as above) to help you discuss, decide upon and implement options. Nobody could handle this alone.

    Is there a regional hospital near you, to help you with diagnosis and planning interventions and treatment?

    I am glad you are here. You will find support. It is too much, what you are facing alone. I am glad you are here.
  10. ThinkPurple

    ThinkPurple New Member

    I have been trying to get support enforced, but when he heard about it he quit his job. I have applied for housing, and as there are 5 of us living in a 2 bedroom house, I can't really get a roommate. And really, who would want to stay where they might step in human feces in the middle of the night??

    I just got off the phone with his therapist, and no, there are no residential treatment programs around me.

    My son did stay with my sister for a while, and his old therapist ripped me a new one for that. He has some abandonment issues because of his dad leaving. I'm not sure about a regional hospital? I have been asking for help, and only get back that there is none.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Are you in or near a big city or out in the country. I haved lived in both and your options are very different depending upon where you live. Also, different states are different

    I doubt social services would take your kids. More likely, since you are asking for help, they will find services for your kids. The school may or may not be a big help. Depends on the school and where it is located. We fought hard to get help and got a school advocates.They are free. Call your state Dept. of Public Education and ask who is in charge if special needs kids. im guessing all of your kids are eligible for services. They are free and run by the county and in school. You may have to push the school, thus the school advocate.

    Is there a Head Start near you? They could help you too...I worked there once. They work with all kids of lower income parents. I didnt like them as an employer, but they helped the kids and families a lot. Tuition is free. Do send your oids there. Our Head Start even took infants. It is foolish to turn down this sort of resource.

    Do you have a support system? Family? Close friends?
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2016
  12. ThinkPurple

    ThinkPurple New Member

    I live in a very small city in Southeast KS, Our closest big cities in any direction is at least two hours away. I do not have any support system. My sister used to help me, but she can't take it on top of her three kids anymore. No close friends.
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    As a longer term solution (I would first apply for County Aid) why not apply for Social Security Disability or SSI for yourself and for the kids who are disabled. You and two of your children (from your signature) could well qualify, and if you qualify the two other kids would probably get a stipend as well.

    You cannot accept no. You do not have the luxury of doing so. Whoever tells you there is no support I would fire immediately. That is why you are going to them for support and to help you find it.

    I do understand how hard this is. I had one child with issues as a single Mom. I did end up losing my house.

    If you get AID is there a chance you can go back to school to (like college) to train for a higher paying type of job? There should be free child care for at least 2 of the kids and resources to help you deal with things through the college.

    There has to be answers. There are answers. But you are so whipped down and depressed you cannot do it alone.

    I am glad you are here. Please stay.
  14. ThinkPurple

    ThinkPurple New Member

    I applied for social security disability for my 10 year old, we have an interview later this month.

    With the AID (I am assuming you mean cash assistance?) I applied for that and was turned down for it. Guidelines are very strict here, with my job i don't even qualify for Medicaid (I make 10/hr)

    I have been asking everywhere, and keep getting the same answers. I know there has to be SOMETHING.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    if your younger kids are in Head Start that is free babysitting most of the working day too. Most of the mothers of our kids worked. Many were single parents.

    I live over two hours from a semi big city and four hours from Milwaukee, the biggest city in Wisconsin. There are less resources uere than when I lived in Chicago burbs, but they exist. As I said, there us Head Start, county mental health and our schools are pretty progressive, although they lack funding and gave us trouble over son's services.

    I am wondering how the schools are in Kansas, as far as understanding special needs. Do ypu have a university hospital around for testing? This is important in getting kids into special services. Testing at university hospitals is very high quality and they take Medicaid, which is all that we had, but got very positive results and help.

    Do be proactive. My autistic son is 23 now, very high functioning due to all his interventions, and lives alone, works and not even acts autistic. Tantrum days are long over He is charming and loveable and needs very little help. And we were told he'd never be more than a vegetable. So its amazing what the right help can do, and you dont need money to get good help.

    I am sorry you are alone. You are so young to have so many little ones. Do cpntact Head Start so that you can get a break, find a job and get help. I believe their worker helps you apply for government services.

    How is school going for your older kids?
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2016
  16. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Please tell me he's in Missouri.

    Every state is different. And in Missouri as well as everywhere else, they are overworked and underpaid. But if Kansas sends a case here to establish support, he'd be imputed the ability to work and earn at least the Missouri minimum wage. If he doesn't pay they will place a lien on bank accounts, tax returns, ding his credit, take drivers, hunting and fishing licenses and finally send it to a prosecuting attorney.

    Get with Kansas Child Support. If you don't have an order, get one. If you do, stay on them, get them to force the state where he is to take enforcement action.

    Multiple states make it harder. People DO work for cash and hide assets and yes, behave like dead-beats. But they also get punished for it and, hopefully, pay to get out of trouble.

    I don't know Kansas law, but that seems very strange with 4 kids. If you get SSI for any, you will automatically qualify for at least those kids. Have you done Obamacare? You should be at the level that you'd get free coverage.
  17. ThinkPurple

    ThinkPurple New Member

    The 6 year old has an IEP as she was diagnosed as developmentally delayed, and she gets a para for an hour a day in school. The 10 year old was deemed as not needing services ( :biting:).

    The younger two are starting at a preschool this year when school starts again in August. So I will have a few hours a day. I do have some appointments set up for the three year old, they are an hour away but I am hoping we can get something closer afterwards. They just didn't have any openings until August.
  18. ThinkPurple

    ThinkPurple New Member

    @Lil No he's in Virginia now. The kids get Medicaid, I just don't. For an adult with 4 kids I believe the income limit is 930 something a month, I know it's not over 980.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I just read your second response. I cant believe you dont qualify for services. Its pretty strict here too p, but if you have children, you do automatically get insurance coverage for you and them. I dont know how you survive. I thought Wisconsin was bad.

    Just doesnt sound right that you qualify for nothing on a low income and all those kids. When was the last time that you applied? Do you have any medical coverage at all?

    I'm tempted to tell you to leave the state. Other states offer more help and services to families in your situation.
  20. ThinkPurple

    ThinkPurple New Member

    I moved out here from Delaware a little over a year ago because I couldn't afford the cost of living there. I really can't now here. But I don't have any other options.