At wits end

I also want to add, I don't think the little boy is in immediate danger, I'm pretty sure they look after his needs and I know she keeps a clean house. It is the witnessing of the abuse that is going on around him that is bothering me.
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Hopeful Parent,

I too am concerned for the child involved. I am a police officer, so I have a different perspective. I don't think there is anything wrong with making contact with the police department in regards to the child's welfare. The worst case scenario is that the child is removed. Since his other siblings were removed, someone stepped in to protect them. I normally err on the side of not being involved, but when there is a safety concern for a child, an adult has to be that voice. My experience has been that the police would act if they know there is a child in the home.

Do you have any evidence that the child is still in their custody? The child may not even be living there. The grandma that is mad at you may already be providing care. I think you need to trust your gut, but maybe look into it a bit more before jumping in. If you are concerned that the child is witnessing the abuse, then reporting it would be helping the child. Others may disagree and that is ok. Someone has to be the voice for children.

All of that said, Your son has chosen this life. To detach would be, perhaps, giving him local resources for being a victim of domestic violence. The police may have already done that. A lot of people stay in abusive relationships because they are scared to leave and scared to lose their children. The girlfriend-she looks broken because she is facing the reality of consequences.

Your son will need to face consequences as well. As long as you take on his consequences-he has NONE. You suffer for all of HIS choices. You did not choose this life-he did. Not the mental illness, but he has resources available to help him. He chooses drugs (maybe not now, but has). The thing about our kids is this. We love them and allow them to mistreat us. We don't have too.

I would strongly urge you to take a step back and focus on yourself. He will need to learn self-sufficiency, as you will not be around forever. Who will carry him if you're not around? I suspect he will be on his own. Perhaps you can do the kindest thing and allow him to figure things out. There are social services for drugs, mental issues, violence and services for children. Offer him the tools and allow him to learn to thrive. The are mere suggestions, I am not a counselor and everyone's situation is unique.

He needs to grow and I hope you can step back in order for him to do it. I would love to see you do things for yourself and the rest of your family. They love you and need you as well. You are allowed to live and enjoy your life. You don't have to go down the rabbit hole to love him. I hope I have not caused offense. I don't want you to lose your family, I read that your husband threatened to leave.

I think you have given a lot of yourself, time and money to your son and his situation has not changed. No amount of love, money or support will change his life. He has to do that. He is 35 and has children, he is capable of change IF he wants it.

Please keep posting, I care about you and hope to see you take it easy on yourself. You are very kind an loving, I can see that,

Hugs,
JMOM
 
Thank you for your kind message. And for acknowledging my concerns about my grandson. I was beginning to think I was overacting in my thoughts of his safety, especially as the other grandmother who she and her family have been very involved in my son and his girlfriends life over the last two years (where I have not until recently), appears to not be as concerned. Which is the reason I did not want to act without speaking to her first. But after speaking to my daughter we have decided to leave it for the moment. The little boy is currently still with his parents. They do look after him, it is just the mental trauma that the child must experience seeing the fighting etc that I worry about, I don't believe it can go on. The police have been there a number of times and know there is a little boy in the house. So someone must be aware. I think it will only be a matter of time before someone takes action. And my son once told me in one of his phone calls that someone has rang the welfare on them, but this was quite a while ago, so the welfare must already be aware of them as well. If it was me that did take action now the consequences to me and my family would be quite servere from I think my sons girlfriends family (after the reaction I got from the other grandmother on the phone) as well as my son. My daughter told me that if it gets any worse that she would make the call for me.
So I am going to step back as I had been and get on with my life, I had been practicing self-care and looking after myself and practicing detachment with them until recently when our son had rang us from jail, then the solicitor rang us asking if we would have him home on bail. He was not allowed to go anywhere without either me or my husband. So we of course agreed, and now here we are involved again and caught up again in all of the drama. So now time to back away again. I know my son will keep ringing, and that the new niceness he has towards us will stop as I continue to refuse to give him money, but at least while he is ringing I will know what is going on with the little boy. I also know now that my relationship which was good with the other family is now ruined and that I can't rely on them if and when I need to make a decision on my grandson.
 
This is very sad.
I hope somebody calls soon.
I know it is a concern and you may not agree with my decision to not act now. But can I just say. The police already know the situation and that there is a little boy in the house. They have been called there many times. And every time they have seen the little boy. So they definately know the family and the problems there and that there is a little boy there. Now that I have had a couple of days to settle down and think clearer, I believe they would be the ones to report this, which they probably already have. The probation officer and the solicitor also know, so I guess when it comes down to it I have already inadvertently reported it. I now need to calm down and get control of my extreme anxiety and distress over this and wait and see what happens next. Which is what I am now trying to do. And I thank you for the support.
 
Hey HOPEFUL,

Be easy on yourself. You can only do your best and that is good enough at any given time. Forgiving oneself along the way is key to a better life. Like others have said in this forum many a time: there is light on the other side of the battle.
I write letters to my son. He does not get them. I keep them here, on my laptop. They are letters about his boyhood and the choices I made as a dad when he was younger, and later when the addiction and all hell kicked in. They are letters of love and hope, but also letters that let me place myself where I belong; spell out my values and my view on the world. let me see that I have done alright as a father and forgive myself. Perhaps one day, when I think he is ready and mature enough, I will mail them to him. But mostly they are for me. Because it is sometimes so so hard to remember what actually happened. Why do we do what we do? A good thing to put it down on paper. I sometimes look at the pages I wrote when he was living with me, and it is a crazy but necessary read.
It helps in the healing process and it helps as a place to go when things go crazy. It very much helps to strengthen detachment.

It certainly helps to post here and read other´s stories, and know that we are many who struggle but can support eachother.

I remember an insident back when my son was younger. He and two others had stolen a car from a friends parent. All the parents wanted to talk to the boys and let them understand that it was wrong. I wanted to report them to the cops. Not for jail time, they were too young. But to show them that actions have consequences. I was downvoted and it never came to fruition. Still to this day I think they should have had the lesson. Over the years his mother and I have fought on these issues, to little avail. My son has never been able to understand consequence and learn from it; and for this he pays now, in much larger amounts.
 
My son has rang again a few nights ago and told us his girlfriend went berserk again. He wanted us to come and get him and my grandson. She accused him of ringing the welfare. I would say her mother has told her about my phone call to her mother to discuss the safety of the little boy, which I don't think is very productive considering what is going on with them. My son said he would go to a refuge if they would take men with babies. We couldn't go and get him, we don't live close by and it was late at night. So I let it go and when I got no phone call The next day I figured the drama was over for them (for the moment anyway). Anyway tonight (few nights later) my son rings me. We start off with a chat about trivial things, I talk to my grandson, etc etc, no malice, no mention of the other day. Then he asks me for money, as they are apparently starving again, (even though they got a thousand dollars loan, a few days ago from the dole office (sorry I still call it the dole). I say very politely "sorry but I can't." So the tune changes, quote his words "are you kidding, you're not going to lend me the money. You think you are special don't you, you F........g M..Le. Then he begins to rant. I hang up. Block his number. Not before 10 calls which I ignored. My husband who was down in the back workshop comes up to the house, he also got phone calls. I can't even repeat what he said to him. So that's it I'm done. I am going to not answer his calls anymore or speak to anyone in his girlfriends family ever again. It is just all so crazy. When he was home with us for the month I saw in him the loving son that he was. And now this. if I don't cut this from my life I am going to go crazy as well. I think I am going to make it permanent. No conversation, no more sending Christmas presents or birthdays. A complete cut, otherwise it is going to kill me.
 
Thankyou for your support. I use to write everything down. I think I will start again. As I know it can help. I think I need to write out this last couple of months to start with, then work backwards.
 
Hey HOPEFUL,

Be easy on yourself. You can only do your best and that is good enough at any given time. Forgiving oneself along the way is key to a better life. Like others have said in this forum many a time: there is light on the other side of the battle.
I write letters to my son. He does not get them. I keep them here, on my laptop. They are letters about his boyhood and the choices I made as a dad when he was younger, and later when the addiction and all hell kicked in. They are letters of love and hope, but also letters that let me place myself where I belong; spell out my values and my view on the world. let me see that I have done alright as a father and forgive myself. Perhaps one day, when I think he is ready and mature enough, I will mail them to him. But mostly they are for me. Because it is sometimes so so hard to remember what actually happened. Why do we do what we do? A good thing to put it down on paper. I sometimes look at the pages I wrote when he was living with me, and it is a crazy but necessary read.
It helps in the healing process and it helps as a place to go when things go crazy. It very much helps to strengthen detachment.

It certainly helps to post here and read other´s stories, and know that we are many who struggle but can support eachother.

I remember an insident back when my son was younger. He and two others had stolen a car from a friends parent. All the parents wanted to talk to the boys and let them understand that it was wrong. I wanted to report them to the cops. Not for jail time, they were too young. But to show them that actions have consequences. I was downvoted and it never came to fruition. Still to this day I think they should have had the lesson. Over the years his mother and I have fought on these issues, to little avail. My son has never been able to understand consequence and learn from it; and for this he pays now, in much larger amounts.
Thanks I replied below, just getting use to this site.
 
So I am feeling a bit better today as my son has not rang me and I have a friend that I had a chat to. She listens to me when it gets really bad, which is nice. We always need someone to talk to. I try not to bother her with all our dramas though, only when it gets really bad. I prefer to talk about other stuff with her.
Even though I have made the promise to myself that this is it, I am going to cut my son out of my life completely. It is still hard, though harder being abused by him. It is actually more than abuse. It is dreadful stuff that he says. But in doing this I would like some advice. I do plan to pack up all his court paperwork etc and his mail and send to him. Just wondering should I pop a note in with it to explain that I have had enough and that I am going to cut the ties with him.
I was also then going to add that I think he and his partner have serious problems that I am no longer willing to tolerate and that my suggestion is that they put their little boy Into voluntary temporary foster care and then both of them find rehabs to go to, so they can do something about their addictions and sort themselves out so they can give the little boy a better life. That is all I want to say to them, but I know this will enrage his girlfriend again and probably cause more drama in their house. Which I don't want to be the cause of. So then I think maybe I should just send them the paperwork and no note. And leave it at that.
I am serious about my intentions to cut them out of our lives completely. I can never help him while he is with his current partner. The situation is hopeless and dangerous for us. He when he was with us for the month on bail, by the second week he had calmed down and was starting to feel better and he would give me a peck on the cheek of a morning and we would have a yarn etc. He was getting better. But she kept ringing him, even though she had him up on assault which is why he was at our house on bail.
After the phone calls which he took in his room with the door closed he would come out and say all this nasty stuff to me, then the next day he would be okay again. He has actually told us after talking to her that he could kill us. So as you can see I really do need to cut him off completely. My son has not been in trouble with the law until he met her. She though has a record with the police from before she met my son. She has also now been to jail. So if he chooses to stay with her and can say the things to us without remorse then we need to cut him out of our lives completely. It is still very sad, to have to walk away from your own son.
 
Well I think it has been about 10 days since my son last rang me with the above abuse. I have been feeling very depressed and upset, but relived he has not rang. I will pack up his paper work and send it to him. I will not put in any notes. I am just going to cut the ties with him and leave it at that. I feel kind of relieved that I have decided to do this. He will be 40 next birthday and we will not be with him to celebrate his birthday. I have made the right decision. This last two months has caused me to have a kind of nervous breakdown. I have always been strong through the twenty years of my sons addiction but this is the worse I have ever felt, it is like I am grieving and has really taken a toll on me. But it is something I need to do. He was a beautiful child and young adult, mild mannered, quick witted, had the gift of the gab like his dad, smart, good looking boy, and very likeable. He is not that boy anymore. I have had time to think about what is going on and it is that my son has addictions and mental health problems and he is living with a woman who has a narcissist personality and addictions. My experience with her has shown me she has no morals or empathy for anyone. I believe she could talk my son into anything. When he is upset with her, he tells me what is actually going on and the things that she does. And her mother who I know has also been through a lot with her daughter is a major enabler, and won't admit that the way they are living is Not Okay. They are not Okay and the way they live is Not Okay. But there is nothing I can do about it while he chooses to stay in the situation that he is in. So I need to walk away. I really can't take anymore from him. On a nicer note my daughter and grandchildren put on a lovely luncheon for my husband today. My problem sons other two little boys and ex wife rang to wish poppy happy Father's Day and my other son who had taken his two little ones camping sent his father a text for Father's Day. So we are very lucky to have loving family and grandchildren around us and that is who I will be giving my time to now. Sorry for rambling. Just helps to put my decisions into writing. I don't have access to counsellors where I live and it helps to be able to express my feelings and thoughts.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
I'm sorry you are going thru all of that. I think what you are doing is wise, stepping out of the drama. But I know it must break your heart to do this. I pray there cfg ome a time CD when he is ready to make a change. Ksm
 
Thank you KSM, it is hard but I am determined to carry it through this time. I have reached a point where I physically and mentally can't continue with what has been happening for the last 20 years of my son's life. He is 40 next year. I raised him and supported him for 20 years, then got on the merry go round with his drug addictions for another 20 years. It's time for me to get off the merry go round and walk away.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
It's time for me to get off the merry go round and walk away.
What is helpful for me to remember is that I am not walking away from my son. When I get off the merry go round I am stepping outside of the circle that is the drama and the craziness. Especially that part of the craziness and drama arising from my attempts to control things that are not my business.
 
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Copabanana, what you have said is very true. Especially "that part of the craziness and drama arising from my attempts to control things that are not my business." This is a lesson I need to learn. It is hard for me to think of it as not walking away from my son though, because that is what I have decided to do. He is so controlled by his girlfriend that I can't have anything to do with him. I actually believe that I may not ever see him or my grandson again, and I am trying to accept this. I have realised that while ever he is involved with his partner and her enabling mother we can never reach him. His girlfriend feeds his tormented brain with nastiness and hate towards us, because we are the ones who have stopped giving them money. Yet his girlfriends family keep paying their rent and giving them what they want. I have been reading your comments on some of the other peoples threads as well and what you say has been helping me to make the decision to step off this merry go round. Thankyou. I do not know your story. Where are you at with your son? Has your situation with your son improved? As I read others stories I am amazed at the similarities in the behaviour of our children. It is unbelievable that there are so many similar stories. It makes me wonder what has gone wrong with our world today for this to happen to our young people.
 
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