back for support

[ML]

It's been a year that stepson difficult child, 27 this month has been living with us in the basement. He still sleeps all day and collects unemployment. The economic situation and extended unemployment benefits have not been good for him. He's just not that motivated to change his situation, and why should he? I'm disappointed that husband enables him and gets intimidated by him so easily. If he asks him what's going on he barks "stay out of my personal life" and husband backs off.

I see our therapist tomorrow. We usually talk about how manster is out of control and in charge but seem to steer away from the elephant in the room. I need to talk about this because it's really getting on my nerves.

I don't want to harm my marriage. husband likes having him here. I don't. He's not that nice to manster and contributes absolutely nothing.

Any suggestions?

ML

 

[BusynMember]

I'm with you. I'd want him gone yesterday. I would never allow my own kid to sleep all day and then be rude at his age.

I offer hugs and empathy. If you have a good marriage, I'm not sure you can do anything about the problem. I *would* talk to hub about his rudeness, which I would have a hard time tolerating from a 27 year old man.

 

[Suz]

Hi ML- it's good to see you again.

How is husband's relationship with Manster? Is husband Manster's biodad? I have a couple of thoughts but they are dependent upon your answers to these questions.

Suz

 

[ML]

husband is not manster's bio dad but has been his stepdad since he was 4. Manster really does think of himself as having two dads. husband is very very good with him.

I guess that's part of why I tolerate it. I know manster is a difficult child and husband puts up with him and loves him regardless. But he's a kid. I'm just not sure how much of an issue to make of stepson because I don't want to put too much pressure on my marriage, you know? stepson is not a bad person, just still holding onto that sense of entitlement young adults don't part with easily and which some adults play into because of guilt I guess.

I'm interested in your thoughts Suz.

Thank you too MWM for your input.

Hugs,

ML

 

[Suz]

I guess I was wondering if husband was thinking that turn about is fair play; he is loving towards Manster and expects you to do the same with his son.

That said, you are right...one person is a child and the other is 27 years old. The child is dependent upon his parents and the other one by this time should be independent.

It's a tough call, ML. I think it would be a very good idea to talk to the therapist privately tomorrow. Stepson should certainly be held to the fire about being pleasant to all. If nothing else, perhaps the therapist can help you with coping skills. I think it would drive me nuts so I don't envy you.

Suz

 

[ML]

I am very loving with stepson just so you know. That's the easy part. It's the standing back and watching the enabling that I need to figure how to cope with. The word detachment comes to mind. We're doing him no favors by having no expectations. Definitely on the agenda for tomorrow's therapist session Thanks again Suz.

 

[Suz]

We're doing him no favors by having no expectations.

BINGO!

( ...And I had no doubt at all that you are loving towards him. If you weren't, you wouldn't have wrestled with it all this time. )

Suz

 

[Nomad]

The other day I heard something interesting...

Tough love and boundary setting is not just about the other guy's benefit, it's more about your benefit.

So, although in the end it would be good for this young adult to understand that you are expecting him to be accountable for actions, it is also good for you to set boundaries, to detach and to expect that those around you will pull their own weight.

Sure, as parents we may want to give a little extra for "the cause." This is okay, especially if we are talking about a young adult who is appreciative, is growing from the extra input and who understands that this is a temporary situation. But where does it end?

It ends when that extra hurts us. And it sounds like it is hurting you and putting a strain on your marriage.

So, perhaps as best as you are able, set up some boundaries...draw a line...talk with- your husband about setting up some expectations/rules for his 27 yo living in the basement. At the very least, he should be polite to you and the rest of the family, providing some help as well and diligently looking for employment (perhaps training for future work). Glad you are seeing a therapist to get some support in all of this. I would consider couples counseling if husband refuses to see your point of view or compromise to any extent.

 

[DammitJanet]

I think Nomad has a very good viewpoint on this.

As you probably know, my 28 year old son lives with us. I have no clue when he will ever move out. Getting Cory out was a piece of cake compared to getting my oldest out of the house...lol. Billy is just a bit different. I would love to have him out on his own and he would love to be out on his own but he just isnt quite there yet. He doesnt have a good enough job yet for one thing. I cant say it isnt for lack of trying either. He really does look hard for work and he works very hard at his job he does have. They just wont put him on full time so he cant make enough money to live on his own. He has a POS car so he really cant go out of town to find a better job either.

I do have problems with how he helps out around the house but he is always polite and tries to give us money when he can afford it and he goes and picks up Cory now that he can drive or picks up stuff at the store for me. If he was rude, it would be a totally different cup of tea. I would pack him off to live with Cory...lol.

 

[ML]

Nomad you're a very smart lady. The therapist said something similar about boundary setting about being the best *you* you can be. She also convinced me that we live in an extremely codendent houshold. I'm husband's co and husband is ss's co. I'm going back to an alanon meeting this weekend! It has to start with me. I have to lead and teach those around me what I need to setting a better example.

Nomad I have to say you're one of the best examples of someone working to be their best self. You work on setting healthy boundaries and you have often inspired me. Thank you for that.

 

[ML]

Janet, your situation is different. Billy is at least working and contributing what he can. I will feel much better about things if J puts together a plan. He is smart and has marketable skills as well. He doesn't necessarily have to move out but hopefully he'll want to. He's so capable, just unmotivated.

 

[Nomad]

Thank you and bless you ML for your kind words. They came at a very appropriate time.

Ironically (just when I think there is no Higher Power...I am forced back into knowing for sure there is one), my supervisor at work has an adult adopted difficult child. This was a surprise to us both. It was a weird week, to say the least.

I move forward...sometimes the balance tips the wrong way. Then I regroup. Practice more self care. Then, I move forward once again.

Sending you good thoughts for wisdom and strength.

 

[susiestar]

ML, I am sorry that a year has passed and your husband shows no signs of expecting the 27yo to do anything. I would have a hard time handling it without exploding.

I think AlAnon meetings would be an excellent thing. I also urge you to read the book "Boundaries" by cloud and Townsend. There is even a workbook that goes with it. You might ask the therapist about it.

I don't have any real ideas otherwise.

I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts though.

 

[Nomad]

It's hard to find, but the boundaries book (Cloud) comes in a MINIATURE pocket edition. AFter I bought the regular version I purchased the small one and kept it in my purse to read whenever I had a moment (doctor's offices, etc.) One day I was out with a friend for dinner and she has two difficult children. I gave her my copy. I was so lost with-o it, I found another pocket edition on amazon and bought it again and kept it in my purse for several more months. I found reading it over and over again helped it to "stick" in my brain. I also really, really like the link at the bottom of Suz's page. There are some minor complications and minor considerations to be made in my daughter's case, but much of it very much applies...especially the parts on detachment.

 

[ML]

I will go get that book! Thank No