Bad phone Call

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by pasajes4, May 30, 2016.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Son has been calling me begging me to come home. I want to say yes, but I can't help him. I can only have and keep boundaries. It does not feel good. I know that if I let him come home it is so that I don't have to feel bad. I also know that if he comes home, I will be walking on egg shells. He is staying somewhere that does not have water or ac. He is looking for a comfortable place to carry on doing the same things he is doing. I gave him phone numbers to call. he just kept saying he can't do it I HAVE to help him. He is an adult he needs to help himself.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Pasa. This is so hard. But he has already shown you - again - that him living with you does not work. And when you help him get what he DOES need... he doesn't want that.
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  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Insane, Thank you. I needed to hear that. I started to waiver and thought about letting him come home. I immediately got sick to my stomach.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry Pasa. As Insane said, this is SO hard.

    Continue to trust your instincts, they're borne out of experience, what you're doing is the right thing to do. AND, it doesn't feel good, especially when they're begging.

    Try to do something very, very kind for yourself today. As difficult as it is, try to put the focus on yourself now..........

    Sending you warm hugs and prayers for both you and your son.....
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  5. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    Stick to your guns! If he has not demonstrated via his actions that he will abide by your rules, then...

    ...He made his own bed, he can sleep in it! Period!

    FYI - I think these things are harder on us than on the kids. We want to be nice, give them rewards for doing well, be the "good guy", etc. Anyway it sometimes kills me to enforce these things, but it is best for the long term. I do know they will respect you more if you follow through with the promised consequences. Seems amazing they would like you more for being strict, but that is the way things are!
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I have talked the talk on this board about holding the line and not accepting bull in place if real change. I have supported others in going no contact when things dissolve into ridiculous blather. I am in the thick of it now that he does not have a safe air conditioned place in which to carry out his convoluted lifestyle. I am now in a position of waiting to see if he will devide to use the numbers i have provided to get help or just as a means to leverage his way back into my wallet. I have come to a place where I am no longer willing to take ownership of someone else's success or failure.
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well said Pasa. It's a hard earned wisdom. I hope that knowledge allows you to feel better.

    It's a rough road we find ourselves traveling on......and at the same time, in learning that profound level of acceptance, we can find peace of mind.

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  8. rebelson

    rebelson Active Member


    I don't know your son's story, but it sounds like you need to stay strong. The thought of my son being in our home as a user terrifies me. Walking on eggshells sounds about right!
    He has been clean for a bit, but he will have to find his way, and it won't be in our home anymore. Well, at least for a long, long time.

    While reading this thread, on the right side of my screen, I noticed 2 other old threads from you...also similarly title (Phone call/s). Maybe glancing over these oldies will give you a boost of strength. :friendly_wink:
  9. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Pasa, how I know these feelings. Wavering and feeling sick, while at the same time knowing I have to stay strong and not fall for the manipulation, which I sense that is what it is. I recognize in myself that any thoughts about helping son are because .. “I don't have to feel bad.” But then when I see what happens after I help, I think I feel even worse and on the eggshells and also sick as you said.

    In my opinion no water and no AC are not real hardships for a young person to endure for a time. Many people live responsibly and bear up in such conditions.

    Stay strong in these times. Thank you for your post, as it helped me to recognize how these phone calls are just for trying to get our help, and the different hardship circumstances and excuses and reasons our difficult children present are often their attempted ploys at manipulation.
  10. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Pasa, I'm so sorry you have to endure this.
    True, true, true. We brought our son home from mid dec. "how can we leave him homeless at Christmas" until mid Feb. by which time he had broken every rule known to man. We were that comfortable place for 2 months. Comfortable only for him, pure misery for us.

    I do believe the theatrics of begging, beseeching, crying etc. become "Wow, she said no. Oh well, I'll try again later" My son lived in February in a flophouse without heat or electric but he still didn't apply for any jobs and always had cigarettes and soda. It must have only seemed cold and dark to me.

    I'm tattooing this on my forehead, maybe my palm too so I can read it over and are so right. His life, his outcome. You have done all you can. Hold strong. Prayers.
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  11. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Hugs Pasa! It's a very difficult place you're in. But as the others say, stay strong! You know what to do. If anything, bring him a case of water with an attached list of homeless shelters or rehab centers. I pray he chooses sobriety and his life improves. You're doing the right thing!
  12. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    The correct response to "You have to help me!" is, "No. I do not." and leave it at that. Actually, water goes on sale for 3 dollars a case of 16oz bottles quite frequently.

    In my area, Walgreen's seems to have water on sale at this price nearly continually. The AC? Well, thin, loose clothing helps.

    Once his water bill is paid, and he has tap water again, you can buy him (on Amazon) a couple of Brita 1liter hard sided filter water jugs and a 5 pack of replacement filters. He can then drink filtered water on the go instead of buying bottled water. The filters are inexpensive and he can buy those himself.

    So long as he can stay hydrated, he should be able to live without AC, unless he is in one the country's real hotspots.

    Note that some drugs cause intolerance to heat. I am on a couple of those. In addition to the RX ones, several street drugs, such as MDMA (Molly/Ecstacy), and other analogues made similarly, can cause real problems with overheating to dangerous levels.

    Also, with your son's physical issues, is there anything there that might cause problems with handling heat?

    All things to think of.
  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Pasa, I am so sorry for the heartache of this, how well I know it. After hubs passed, Tornado was planning on moving home. I had to tell her that I loved her and the grands but we had already tried that route too many times and it failed miserably. She was of course upset with me but I dug my heels in. I told her that I needed peace and so did she and the kids and that all her father wanted was a better life for our kids and grands then what he had. Somehow she will have to understand.
    When our d cs have expectations of us more than they do of themselves it is a recipe for disaster for everyone concerned. It is as if we are running alongside them while they ride their "two wheeled bike" faster and faster going downhill and they want us to keep hanging on.
    I know it is hard and those phone calls bring temptation to cave, it feels awful during and after. I am learning to declare out loud, in my head and heart, that I deserve space and peace and they need the opportunity to prove that they can accomplish their potential.
    That just does not happen if I continue to "hold on to the bike."
    The whole question of "helping vs enabling" comes into play. How do we gauge which is which? I think for me, a lot will be contingent on attitude. If I feel stepped on and that I am being taken advantage of, I will trust that instinct and pull back.
    It still doesn't make it any easier and I am grateful to have others share their stories with the hard raw emotions we face.
    Hang in their dear, and so will I.
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  14. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Yes to the above. He was given options. He had money. He spent it on drugs and who knows what else. He did not want to go to a treatment center. He did not want to go ta a hospital. he wanted me to fix it to take care of him and to allow him to continue breaking the law, " because mom I was only doing what I had to do to get by. If you would just not make me mad, then I would not F up your stuff and I would not have to threaten you."
  15. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    OMG! Pasa. Did he actually, literally, say that?!? I'm gobsmacked! It may be time, as heartbreaking as it sounds, to consider cutting ties with him.

    Is he using his disabilities as an excuse for his behavior in any way? Or, is he blaming his diabilities on you even though he's the one who chose to take the drugs that led to the overdose and its sequelae?.

    To quote my late husband, "Being disabled doesn't' give you the right to be an a**hole!"
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  16. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Even if he didn't "literally" say that, it has been stated loud and clear by his actions. The only thing he wants is someone to enable HIS dysfunctional and self-harming choices. The only person he thinks he has any hope of getting that from is... Mom, of course. And when Mom doesn't comply... it's the usual garbage.

    When Mom has gone the extra 10-million miles to make REAL help available. And it isn't wanted. He is going to have to figure it out for himself.

    I'm not usually this hard-nosed. I'm a big believer in opening doors not closing them, of finding opportunities to make a difference. When all of that is flatly destroyed? There's a limit as to how much can be done when they have no interest in helping themselves.
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  17. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    IC, thanks for putting that in a more (coherent) manner than I did. I'll go one further, since he has damaged Pasa's property, and threatened her, I'd advise swearing out an order of protection.
  18. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Yes. he then punched in the hood of my new vehicle. While screaming next time that's your face.

    Yes. He blames me for everything that happens to him. In his mind a mother is supposed to endure all this for their children. My greatest joy in life should be to kill myself making him happy and cleaning up after him, because after all I gave birth to him and he has issues so I owe him.
  19. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I tried to get an order of protection it was denied because he did not hit me. I had to go through an attorney to get a restraining order. They are not worth the paper they are written on.
  20. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Wow! That's just pathetic. There's no real way to change that kind of thinking in his case, either. I think he's too far gone; ie unable to take any kind of responsibility for his actions, so no hope of him fixing himself, and it's foolish for you to even try.