Beating my head against a wall!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Feb 11, 2013.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    So after difficult child moved out I decided I wasn't going to deal with her **** anymore. I wasn't going to bend over backwards for her and I wasn't going to get treated like ****. This weekend just reinforced it all.

    I got sucked back in and decided to take her prom dress shopping because my parents had recently had to put new tires on her car and couldn't afford to get her one. husband was wanting to go to a basketball game in the same town as the dress shop so we decided to make a weekend of it and go spend the night. difficult child came up the night before but conveniently went to see friends and a movie so that we didn't see her until late that night and then only to go ensure she made it home safe. We left the next morning and basically I just kept my mouth shut during the drive and she slept. When we arrived at the dress shop she was fine. I avoided any confrontation and basically just zipped up dresses and said they looked pretty. In the end she wanted my opinion and I told her to get the one she loved. (I liked the other one better but knew she wouldn't like me saying so.) I was also looking for a dress but since she gets upset when people step into her time I kept it simple and didn't shop much. She got her $500 prom dress and all was good.

    We then went to the game and managed to only have a few snarky comments when I dared to say anything about how to get to the seats. It seemed like things were going well until we went to dinner afterwards. I don't know what got into me but I actually tried speaking to her. Things were going ok discussing menu options and a camerman that was on the sidewalk but it quickly changed. I made the mistake of asking her to provide me with a list of the people who attended the party she got busted at. She went off about just letting it go....people were finally moving past it and we should to. I said ok I wont bother you with it again and dropped it. She of course couldn't let it go and proceeded to keep up with comments about why were we out to get the guy and no one wants to testify and on and on and on. Somewhere during the tirade I told her she had made her point and I was done discussing it.

    She kept going so I told husband to have my food boxed to go and that I was going to the hotel room. Before I could get out of the restuarant she passed me and kind of shoved me out of the way so I turned around and went back to the table. She didn't return and somehow got into the hotel room and stayed there. husband never said a word to her and honestly I was so ****** that he didn't stand up for me I went to bed without speaking to anyone at 830PM.

    The next morning still no talking and since she already had her dress I decided to stop on the drive home to look for one for myself. That way I wasn't taking away from her dress shopping experience and I could still get the dress I needed. easy child asked if she could try on dresses to and I said why not. difficult child proceeded to go off about this being her prom and easy child didn't need to try on dresses and blah blah blah. I said you bought your dress yesterday so she isn't taking anything away from you and what do you care? By that point we had pulled up to the store and she refused to come in so I told husband to just take us home. The day had been ruined by that point and shopping would have been useless.

    When we got home I immediately got in the other car and went shopping by myself. Don't know if it helped at all but atleast husband got to spend time with difficult child and easy child without me so they could have a stress free conversation.

    Guess it didn't work out that way though because husband reamed difficult child about being an :censored2: at dinner. Of course difficult child's comment was that I shouldn't have said anything and everything would have been fine.

    ARGH!!!! I seriously do not want a relationship with her if I am only allowed to speak about things she approves of! I feel like she played nice to get her dress and then once she got what she wanted there was no longer a reason to act nice. I don't know why the heLL I even bothered!
  2. I'm so sorry that things went badly for you. It really sounded like you tried to have a nice time with your difficult child and make this past weekend a good experience.

    I think you handled yourself really well in dropping the conversation about the party - even though difficult child wouldn't drop things.

    Unfortunately, I think it will take many moments of having to stand up for yourself in this way (and husband backing you up) before difficult child finally gets it. They are so self absorbed that it takes longer for them to see that other people matter and have feelings and needs as well. So sorry.

    Hugs (I know how you feel)
  3. jisduit

    jisduit New Member

    I have felt that way so many times I have lost count - removing myself prevents me from the drama - prayers to you
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    dstc -


    I would really, REALLY like to see you take your "power" don't have to let yourself be abused and/or held hostage by your daughter. She doesn't get to dictate your time!

    A $500 prom dress is a HUGE priviledge - your difficult child should have been kissing your backside for taking her shopping and spending so much! Since she doesn't seem to know how to behave on a shopping trip....maybe next time prepare the way you would shop with a toddler. difficult child only gets her "prize" at the end of the trip, if she has behaved well, and after everybody else has also had a turn to shop. Otherwise - I'd keep my purse zipped up tight!

    (In case you are wondering - that exactly how I have had to shop with my own daughter. We shop for her - and then she needs to zip her lip while other people shop: no disparaging comments about their choices, no whining about how much time they are taking, etc...or else Mom walks right out of the store.)

    I'm glad you took yourself deserve it!
  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Thanks I was very unhappy with the situation and didn't want to spend any more time with her that day. But in the end I was so angry I refused to allow her to ruin the day so I went shopping and found a great dress anyway. LOL
  6. GlassPaws55

    GlassPaws55 New Member

    I feel as though my sanity is hanging by a thread. My son is 24 with brain damage from a stroke. He has a variety of mental health issues. His first word was no and it really never got any better. He was diagnosed at 5 with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Now he has a full blown conduct disorder. I guess Antisocial Personality Disorder fits best with a sub diagnosis of narcissism. I spent 6 hours today with him filling out Social Security disability paperwork. I came home so mentally whipped from the combative and argumentative behavior, I wonder why I help at all. Parents of healthy children get to sent them on their way eventually. For mothers of the disabled and mentally challenged, parenthood seems like a life sentence with no parole. I am depressed, anxious and wondering if I will ever wake up from the nightmare of being his parent. I know it sounds awful but he is so miserable to deal with on a daily basis, I am totally demoralized.