Before I make a mistake.....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lost in sadness, Feb 24, 2017.

  1. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    ok, I wake up this morning and read a terrible post on Instagram from my son....it hurts me, I feel ashamed, embarrassed distressed. I know i should not have commented but I did. I just wrote 'classy'. In seconds he had removed me/blocked me etc. My only piece of him I had left. I just don't get it.
    I'm now holding myself back from something that had been in my mind. A desperate move. I want to find a way of getting a message to everyone that knows him, maybe on Facebook. To tell them this is not who he is. The posts he posts of coming from a terrible background etc, I want to scream "its a lie"!!! I want to post the beautiful picture I have of him only a couple of years ago, school ones of him outside a Castle that was his private school, laughing outside our beautiful house on a private road, pictures on holidays with his sister in exotic countries. I want to say "here, this is who he is!, if any of you are his friends then help him, help him stop this, don't buy drugs from him, don't sell him drugs....please..."
    My son never came from a poor council estate. He is not stupid. He is not a gangster. Not a drug user. Not a drug seller. I don't understand. It's my final hope to make him see...should I?

    Today is not good. :( :(
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, dont waste your time. He knows he is lying if he is presenting this as fact---but he wants to lie. Telling him anything has not worked before and wont work now. Restrain from needing to scold him. Less is more with these kids. They use our words to hurt us worse. The truth is, they dont care about the truth and how we feel. If he is using drugs, that could be why.

    I personally believe we should not read their social media. For our own peace of mind. They often posture for their friends on social media. In other words, lie for drama.

    He will not see because of your words. He will just block you more. He isnt ready to change.

    Dont personalize the lies. They are about themselves, not you. Yes, i know its very hard and I am so sorry.
     
  3. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I agree with SWOT. He wont listen or chooses not to listen at this time. Sometimes I think these difficult kids enjoy getting a reaction and continuously push the boundaries so they get one. I have chosen not to react at all and to stay in the neutral zone...or if needed at times no contact. I know how much pain his games are causing you. Please be kind to yourself and focus on the positive things in your life. He will come around IF and When its his time to do so. Hugs!
     
  4. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Let it go and my suggestion is to find an Al-Anon or CODA meeting. It will help you detach. You cannot live your life for him. You must live it, in some ways, in spite of him and the chaos he causes.

    Even though they are our children, they have free will and a life path of their own. We have done the best we could. They are damaged souls who must choose whether or not to heal.

    Very sorry.
     
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  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    It reminds me of when my son posted a picture of HIS pills he abused on his Facebook page and my sister in law texted me to tell me. I was shocked, embarrassed, ashamed, livid etc. He was not raised this way. How could he think that was even remotely okay? I wanted to vomit.

    That was a few years ago and now he has a new Facebook page that is drug free but I am not friends with him on social media because I don't want him to see every move we make. My husband is a foodie and likes to post a lot about food etc. I don't want to see what he's doing on their either although he's told me that he has lost interest in social media.

    I really felt the urge to break the glass of my office building window and jump. It was just too much for too long. I wanted it to end and I was desperate. Thankfully I did not and it would not have changed anything anyway.

    This is the hardest stuff any parent ever has to deal with. Take care of YOU.
     
  6. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I am pleased to hear your son has a 'drug free' Facebook page! I hope one day I can be replying to a 'newbie' like me with some encouragement.
    I have had times where I have felt it would be easier to not be here anymore and feel the pain because I haven't known what to do with it but I don't feel that way anymore and I see that as progress. I feel I am, just slightly, detaching and realising I have people that love and value me in return.
    I am really working on overcoming those feelings of embarrassement and shame - that somehow his behaviour reflects on my parenting. Sounds selfish eh?
    I guess I own that.
    Thank you! Xx
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Lost, our parenting has little to do with our adult kids sometimes horrible behavior, although that myth still exists with parents of successful kids (cough). Actually, they are mostly lucky.

    There is so much more out there than us. Our kids are our worlds, but we are not their worlds once they hit late middle school. Their peers become way more important and they usually are emotionally insecure kids because peers beat you down and our kids tend to be sensitive. But they want to belong and the easiest most accepting group of teens are the rebels. And drugs are often used with this group. Also drugs can ease social awkwardness.

    You did not teach your son anything wrong. We only have so much influence over them as they become teens. Fact is, they are in school more than with us.

    You have nothing to be ashamed of. Its easier to say it and than do it, bit who cares what people think? You are not your son. If some dont get that your adult son makes his own choices, then they are clueless.

    You take care and maybe read the detachment article on the Parent Emeritus forum. Its good!
     
  8. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    "our kids tend to be sensitive." wow...YES.
     
  9. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I agree with SWOT. You have nothing to be ashamed of and you are not your son. Quite frankly I too have had people judge me because of my sons actions. In fact I had one friend who prior to knowing about my sons issues because I held them private for so long, and who has never had children, say flat out that difficult children are a product of their upbringing. She actually gave me a gift with that. That is the day I told her and the rest of the world around me about the issues with my difficult son and it was a very freeing experience. And that is the day when I began to choose my friends far more wisely. I began to houseclean my life and surround myself only with people who were supportive and positive and who CARED about me.

    Funny how the universe sends us gifts at times when we are in such despair, that it is difficult to recognize them. Something in my soul that day exploded and needed to be freed. The "dirty little secret" I had been trying to hide from everyone really just needed to be heard and validated. I became stronger after that. Much stronger!
     
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  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wiser, you are wiser than many!!! I also trust the Universe to send me good messages from sometimes unpleasant experiences. My life has greatly improved since i am trying to be my true self...reconciliations i never expected happened and i am at peace and care much less about what others think.

    You are a smart lady :)
     
  11. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Thank you SWOT. I however read your many posts and responses and wish I had met you when we first starting having the difficulties with my son. You have so much wisdom and good advice and I learn so much from you. Early on, because I didn't have people to speak with who understood, i took a course with the local mental health centre on what I could do as a parent in terms of crisis, response, reaction etc. It was a 6 week program. . Several of us wanted to remain in touch after the course was over and we started a support group for ourselves and other parents who were facing issues with loved ones who had mental health and addiction issues. These people became my family. And they all had heart breaking stories. However our stories bound us together and gave us so much strength. I have since moved away but still stay in touch with some of the members. I am so glad I found this forum though and people like you and Copa who also writes so beautifully. The universe does have its wonders.
     
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  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lost, I have watched SWOT over the years and her wisdom and acceptance have evolved and grown tremendously. She has been through just about everything you can imagine and it was a learning process for her. We are lucky that she continues to share her experience with others.
     
  13. JaneBetty

    JaneBetty Active Member

    Lost, if there's one thing I've learned over the last few years, it is this:
    most of our friends and acquaintances know we were adequate parents and some of them experienced trying times with their children as well.

    So, any time our daughter would threaten to "expose us for the rotten and abusive" parents that she considered us to be was met with silence or indifference from us. We simply decided that we weren't going to be put in a defensive position.

    Over time, I realized that most people are involved in their own little dramas of victory or defeat, and though your son might be posting ugly, untrue things about his upbringing, most people would profess a passing interest in his version before turning their focus back on themselves.

    It would be fruitless to counter what he says with the truth, you are only going to feed his fire.
     
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  14. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I think many, many families struggle with a troubled child. For whatever their personal reasons, they choose to hide the situation. I have been continually astounded by the fact that when I share information about my difficult stepson, many people (pretty much EVERYONE) "come out of the closet" with a story about a difficult child/teen who is wreaking similar havoc in their lives.

    There is a great deal of shame that accompanies a problem child. This needs to be addressed and alleviated. There is no shame in mental illness, or in the fact that our society offers so little to those desperately in need of help - the mentally ill themselves as well as their families.

    I was going through a period a couple of years ago where I suffered from severe mood swings as a result of "the change". I was suicidal at times. I am well-educated, comfortably middle class and have great insurance. I could not find a psychiatrist to save my life. Either they weren't taking new patients or I needed to get a referral from my general practitioner, and I don't have one at the moment. My hormones balanced out and I am feeling a lot better now but I never did find a professional to prescribe me the medication that would have spared me and my wife that grief.

    If you are overly concerned about what your son may be saying about you, I would gently remind you that EVERYONE knows it's him with the problem.
     
  15. JaneBetty

    JaneBetty Active Member

    Lost, I had another thought reading over your post and those of the other members who posted:

    Worrying over whose version of the truth is believed is paralyzing.

    Worrying over what your friends or what the community might think about a problem that your family is experiencing is paralyzing.

    Allowing these fears to dominate prevents action and insures that the cycle of fear and inaction continues unabated.

    It's hard to make a change, but once you do, you'll wonder why you waited so long.

    :notalone:
     
  16. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you for this. You are right. I use 'self talk' in my head when I start to doubt myself and somehow it disperses the feelings. It feels much better now that i have no contact. Its been a month today and I do feel I am now getting on with my own life and I know I will NEVER go back to my old life of pain, misery, verbal abuse and a general feeling of fear.

    Sometimes I just take a moment to reflect on what could have been and I feel sad. Sad that I do not have a son. Sad that everyone else has nice children and good relationships. Sad that i feel envious of them. Then I self talk to myself that it is all about choices and he has made his, for now. xx
     
  17. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Thank you for this. I will remember it when I am feeling similarly about my brilliant but deeply troubled/mentally ill stepson. We have no contact with him by his choice - we were hopeful that might be changing of late, but after he secured consent to attend online high school, he has reverted to his old ways of shutting us out. He has a younger brother who is starting to now show signs of trouble as well. We don't have a "nice family" in my household and never will - the best we can hope for is that the periods of calm will be longer and longer and that we will remain in some type of limited contact. There is no magic pill that will fix a family or cure mental illness. Sometimes things just don't work out the way that we hope, and we have to accept that.
     
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Culturana, i am sorry for the pain you and your wife suffer from. I just felt a desire to tell you how i admire your intense love for your stepson. Although many stepparents love their stepchildren, not all do and yours is a nit harder to love, but you never shut down your loving heart.

    You are a big asset to him, even if he is mad at the world right now to see it. Good for you!
     
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