Blanket Statements and Remaining Objective...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by totoro, Jan 17, 2008.

  1. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. Especially with how many newbies have been coming here needing wanting help.
    So many of us come from such a varied background and have such a wide range of experiences... to say the least!

    I hope that what one person experiences doesn't set the groundwork for them to become closed minded or set in their ways, limiting there capacity to remain open to new ideas or able to offer advice from different perspectives?

    Because if that were the case I would think that-
    * All adoptive parents were Pedophiles (ridiculous right)
    *All psychiatrist's were horrible and let their patients starve under their care (another crazy one)
    *All AP's make kids sick, drool, gain weight, and are no good!!! (ha ha ha )
    * All Mentally Ill people do drugs and drink and have crazy sex (I did it must be true)
    * All Mentally Ill people end up committing suicide (My Mom did)

    If I went around giving advice based on all of my experiences and only on my bad ones, there are a lot worse ones also... I don't think it would be very fair to the other board members here...and I would be giving horrible advice ( maybe I do anyway) LOL
    I try to remain objective and realize that just because something happens to someone, maybe even a bunch of people... it does not make it the gospel.

    Even if K didn't make eye contact it does not make her Autistic... Just because and Autistic child makes eye contact, it does not rule it out.
    My psychiatrist told me the other day that Topamax does not work on adults at all as a MS!!!
    I think that is kind of a blanket statement, kind of stupid if you ask me to just be throwing it out there.
    How can he say that? Has he read everything? I am on it... I like it. I might need something more... but it works OK for now.

    Anyway I was thinking about some of the board members who have gone through SO much and yet they never bring their own negative C#%P into their advice... I strive to be like that... They remain positive and try to give great advice, honest advice... without all of the BS...
    We are not trying to convince people that their children are something, we are not Doctors, what do we care what the diagnosis is? We are trying to help them...
    As long as they are getting relief, and help...
    I loved my Nuero-psychiatric... but that may not be the answer for everyone, but I am not going to get mad at them, I love my therapist, maybe not for everyone, am I going to get mad at some one for not going to one !!! Ridiculous. If someone really wants to try a medication that I don't agree with... and their psychiatrist honestly feels it is appropriate... I am not going to rant at them... my gosh I am here to support them.

    I can give my history of what has worked for me and for my family and K... should there be any anger? NO...

    This is science and it is never exact... we are all on a roller coaster ride and we are all in essence Guinea Pigs...

    I am not trying to upset or put anyone on the spot, I just want this to be a nice place for the newbies... I have stayed her because of the wonderful advice and help I received when I joined. I want everyone to feel that way...
  2. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Totora, you're right, we have a lot of new members coming aboard right now. I certainly don't sense any members making any newbies feel uncomfortable. I hope that isn't happening.
  3. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    No I was just taking a look at myself and thinking out loud... I always am striving to be a better person and more positive.
  4. Dara

    Dara New Member

    totoro, I really like what you said. We do all come from very different situations! Each one of us has a unique situation. I think it is important for everyone to remember that because certain symptoms or actions of one child does not mean that every child with that symptom has the same thing. There are a million different scenarios and different disorders out there with a lot of similarities and you are right, we are not doctors. All we can do is offer suggestions and support. In fact, this is one of the only places I have for support and I am thankful for a place like this! So basically, totoro, I agree with your statement!
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    in my opinion though it's NOT bad to bring new ideas to the attention of parents. If somebody hadn't told me about Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), my son would still be treated for bipolar. I think the bottom line is recommending a good neuropsychologist exam, which is MY bottom line all the time. People do come here to get new ideas, at least I did, and it was very helpful. In the end, we all make our own decisions and get a lot of different ideas from the different responses we get. We have different personalities and, like you said, experiences and I think it's not a bad idea to post them. Many new parents are looking for new ideas and direction, not just empathy, which I think everyone gets.
    I don't see anything wrong with posting symptoms stated in the DSM for disorders. That doesn't mean a symptom says "your child has it" but it's not a bad idea to check it out. If your child has a bad sore throat, he may not have strep, but it's always a good idea to make sure he doesn't or he could get sicker--and get others sick. The same is true in my opinion with psychiatric and neurological differences. Untreated, the child will likely get worse and take a huge toll on the entire family. If a child is getting treatment for a disorder and is not getting better, I think it's responsible to suggest they may have something other than what they are being treated for unsuccessfully. I think it's smart to suggest another evaluation for possibly more going on. So I'll continue with "Leave no stone unturned." I don't feel I can help by saying anything else. People are free to disregard my advice.
  6. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Oh man! I hope it's not me! lol! I do know that I'm careful not to put my 2 cents in unless I've had some sort of experience with a similar situation. I must admit though that I read a lot of the bipolar conversations because it seems to be everywhere (thus far, none of my kids have come up with that diagnosis - except for one of my know it all sisters being so kind as to provide HER diagnosis for one of them!!!).

    I agree with MWM that I respond with what I know, and now I guess I'm a little paranoid that I'm pushing people in a different direction. I worry that since the Mental Health system is so grossly overburdened, that many many issues end up misdiagnosed or missed altogether (ie: my sons reading disorder). BUT, it is truly up to them to listen to my thoughts or not.

    Hmmmm, Totoro - you've made some legitimate points! I'll have to keep them in mind when I post!


  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yep, I so agree Toto..........

    You know what I think makes it hard for some of us, is that we have all tried SO many things for our kids, with none of them working. And then, when we do find something that works, we latch onto it as if it is the one and only solution. I think the opposite is also true - we also know the few medications or situations that made our kids go absolutely AWOL and under no circumstances do we want other kids to go through what we went through. So we hold these things too close to our heart, in an effort to help others.

    I know, for myself, sometimes I find it hard to be objective. Maybe because I have been through SO much, it causes me to be quite opinionated? However, when I find myself feeling compelled to project my wisdom with force, I have to remind myself of all the people that came into my difficult child's life with their own crazy ideals, philosophies, and judgment and tried to shove them down my throat. That vision usually grounds me! :laugh:

    I think we do have a lot of new people - and even if our new members only come once or twice we can impact their lives with ours. I remember helping one newbie with a decision to not give in to the SD and give her child to the state. I have not seen her back on our board since she decided against it - however - I hope that even in a couple of positive, objective, but heartfilled posts, I was able to impact her life.

    Great post Toto.........I hope we all realize what an impact we can have with our words and insight into other's lives.
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I was not saying not to post "Accurate" honest opinions... but I think sometimes we can let our own experiences cloud our opinions and it can get heated... and tend to make people not waver on their views... that was all I was saying.
    Once again if someone has a bad experience with a Nuero-psychiatric... does it mean all Neuro-psychiatric's are good or bad... redundant question...

    We can only suggest it not push it...
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In the end, it's the decision of the parent what to do. They will get more than one opinion (which is confusing in itself) and then have to decide who they are connecting with and who they feel is giving good advice or even if they want to come back. The decision not to come back does not necessarily mean anything other than they are overwhelmed and not wanting to share anymore. I've been there at my worst--I shut down myself and no longer want to post.
    I'm sure people who have had bad experiences with NeuroPsychs are loathe to go to them again. I still think it is useful to share our experiences as long as we make sure we tell the poster that they should REALLY go to a professional. I always say in my opinion my favorite is a neuropsychologist (indicating it is my opinion).
    Since there are so many of us, and I believe we all mean well, I think the board can be overwhelming to those old and new, but I think we've helped more than we've hurt. I know I've gotten great advice here and lots of it was based on the experience of other moms. I'd hate for them to shut off their advice. Truly, often I have gotten the courage to go on, validation, and just some great, old-fashion help that I hadn't thought about and I cherish everyone's opinions. I'd hate to see people too timid to say what they REALLY mean :smile: JMO
  10. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You are missing the point of my whole post..... It is the negative and angry tone that is pushed at times on people that I was posting about.... it is the acting like there is only one side to the story that I was posting about...... someone's negative experience....

    I really was not thinking of anyone in particular. I am not trying to argue. I love my Nuero-psychiatric and recommend them... I just don't want my own judgement clouded by my negative experiences and was writing about that and have noticed it before... that was all...
  11. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    So, T, what you're saying is that my way isn't the only way? :wink:

    I think we need to be careful not to color our words with absolutes. As we all know, there are no absolutes with any of our kids and their diagnosis's.
  12. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Well except for you H....
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok. Guess I just don't see anyone saying, "It's this, not that." I'll let the thread go cuz I don't really get the point.
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think it was very well put, Totoro. It gives a lot of food for thought. I read it as saying that we should keep an open mind, even when giving advice. I know it's not always easy for me, but I hope that I am giving it my best shot.
  15. KitKat

    KitKat Looking for Answers

    I check everything out!!

    That's how I came to be where I am with my stepson. Assume the worst; hope for the best! Works out great for me although I may have shortened my natural life somewhat by unnecessary worrying...

    I was able to get my stepson's file retained by Youth Protection tonight - not sure how many of you were following the story (I just started posting two days ago) but I feel fantastic about this. I believe it may be the first time in Quebec that this organization is engaging in a preventive, not reactive way. In other words, we don't have to have our house burned down before we can have additional resources. I am looking forward to the next week or so...

    Have a good and peacefully evening everyone...
  16. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I see what you mean! Except for Heather, she's always right!


  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    That's great news, Kit. I hope that they will follow through and you will get the services that you need.
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Straight out of a newbies mouth I am soo not feeling uncomfortable here...:)

    I write post after post just having somewhere to put it all that doesn't cost me a session with my therapist is absolutely wonderful. LOL..(attempt at humor):) not to mention that it helps to reach out, to hear others stories let's us know we aren't alone.

    My doctor was going to prescribe me xanax instead I came here and haven't popped one yet, but oh man it's nice knowing their in my drawer. like my little safety blanket so to speak. Never had anxiety in my life yet all of this threw me over edge.

    ok see i'm ready to ramble on again.

  19. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Very glad you feel comfortable here, jennifer!

    Totoro, very well worded post. I agree with what you are saying. Had not thought about it at all though. Thank you for pointing it out.

    Heather, you need to be on the board more often. To make things right :wink:
  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ok, I admit it. I sound harsh sometimes. Don't mean to. Certainly don't think my opinions outweigh anyone else's or that they should be considered as anything more than my opinions. We (and our difficult child's) have similar but different experiences but this could be very confusing for a newbie, especially. Totoro, I'll try to ease up on my mean-ness- it will be hard when I'm frustrated at difficult child, or sd, or family, or self, and I'm bursting to tell everyone my latest revelation, but GEEZ, I promise, I'll give it my best shot!!

    Seriously, you do bring up a good point - I should think about how my words are interpreted by others needing help and not knowing me enough to know what to just ignore!!