Wow. I just re-read the last e-mail my sister wrote me before going silent and it was soooooo interesting to read her take on something and my own response and I'd like feedback. I admit boundaries confuse me. Not obvious boundaries, but t he gray areas, and there are some. In her letter she wrote that my refusing to let her talk about her abusive boyfriend is my trying to manipulate her and forcing her to be silent is a form of manipulation. I understand t hat point of view (although sh e wouldn't let me talk about our mother). I responded that I was only setting a boundary because loved her and was upset listening to her talk about what he does to her non-stop and that we almost never talk about anything else. I said t hat if she wants to talk about him, I can not be her go-to person. I told her I was protecting myself from my own anxiety. From my point of view, that's what I did. I could not have kept talking to her if she kept bringing him up. It is hard for me to listen to how a loved one is abused, let alone for three years. In my e-mail I said three years, so it probably was. Seems longer. She also said she doesn't like to talk about Mother because I bash her and it's hurtful to her because she loved her. I do get that. But we DID have boundaries about who we could and could not talk about. So my question is, what is an acceptable boundary when it is not physical? And when does "boundary" actually mean abuse? It can be used as both, I feel. So can no contact. It can be for your own protection or to punish the other person. Ok, about boundaries: I know that I should not step too close to somebody when I talk to them (hate when somebody does that to me, I step back). I know I have no business on somebody's property. I know I shouldn't take anything that doesn't belong to me. I have a very bad habit, which she brought up and rightfully so, of my thoughts racing so much (hypo-manic, ADHD? Not sure) that I interupt people when they talk. I am working hard on t hat. It is difficult for me to do this, but I'd say cutting somebody off is also not respecting their boundaries so guilty as charged there.I am a huggy person and know to ask first if I can give the person a hug. I know better than to bend down and pet somebody's dog without asking for many reasons. I know the things that are obvious. Was I wrong, do you feel? I'm su re many people would have different opinions on t his. At any rate, I knew she would probably have trouble with this boundary (I call it a boundary) and was not that surprised she had another cut off. Interestingly, she says that silencing somebody is a boundary infraction, but she does it. However, that is neither here nor there. I'm asking you two what you think. Frankly, this conversation was full of "I love yous" and it made my eyes mist up. I remember how much I did love her. She loved me too. It is documented. But I honestly was having a hard time listening to her talk about the boyfriend and it was a stressor in my life as we spoke often. In my heart, I know I couldn't listen anymore. She did say she'd call me when she was ready and not to text, e-mai or call her, which I have not. (She's the one who has). I think we both have good points...but what about then not letting me talk about the extreme hurt mother put me through? She didn't want to hear it because it hurt her. Isn't that the same thing? She says it's not t he same thing. Now in between the loving notes we sent each other, with her saying she'd call me when she was ready, she decided to go no contact and is telling her peeps on her anon. site that I abused her. She sure never said that to me. Puzzling. I'm the first one to admit I am not perfect. I had so many problems early on that I was a mess. Myy mother was a mess. My mother/myself. I was not always easy to get along with, but neither was she. My method was to say it, hers was to run. Or the cops...that is my biggest memory of her.The cops. The fear of the cops. Which is partly why we moved. But I don't want to go off topic. I am starting to belief a boundary is set up to protect ourselves from anything th at harms us and that if the other person doesn't agree with the boundary, then it is probably better not to engage. There is no way my sister would have let me tell her all the stuff Mother did to me. She didn't want to know; didn't want to believe. There was no way I wanted to hear any more about this abusive boyfriend. I got so stressed and nervous about it that it was affecting me after our calls. I believed and still do that he could snap and hurt her. But he hadn't yet. But he did emotionally and had traits of a violent man...jealousy, checking up on her whereabouts, making sure she was at home, etc. Maybe I watch the I.D. channel too much (true crime). Anyhow, wanted to share as I am left with this dilemma in my mind: What is a boundary and when is it manipulation/abuse? Please answer, here or privately, but I really want to know your points of view.