Scent of Cedar *
they’re at the abusive end of the spectrum and just like you don’t negotiate with terrorists, I wouldn’t negotiate with your emotional health.
I like this idea very much: ...and just like you don't negotiate with terrorists, you don't negotiate with your emotional health.
On the fridge it goes.
Terrorists are trying to frighten us into living afraid, too.
I had not thought of FOO issues in this way.
My boundary is that I don’t want to spend two hours on the phone with you draining the sh*t out of me
They can and will try the guilt card but it’s best to stick to the facts. I appreciate that I came out of my mother’s womb or that somebody else did something for me, but that doesn’t mean that I owe boundary busts.
Stop trying to control outcomes. Let the chips fall where they may. I learned this the hard way with the wedding, the being ganged upon (apparently it’s called ‘family’) and going through a grieving process of sorts – people are going to say what they’re going to say, think what they’re going to think and do what they’re going to do, so it’s best to get on with the business of being you.
Part of that is to stop rethinking everything, looking for what we did that might have been unintentionaly offensive.
I will stop doing that.
Don’t be wishy-washy and passive. I know it’s easy to agree now, backtrack later or to make disagreeing noises or vague protestations without actually saying ‘No’ or whatever it is you’re being indirect about, but when you hint, that means no direct message and opening you up to negotiation. I offered to do something, they then asked for something else, I did say no but then I also sort of intimated that I might be able to do the other. This morning I said, “This is what I’m doing [the original offer]” and they accepted it. Be direct and firm.
Here is where the element of surprise comes in. Give an inch, take a mile.
They’re going to respond however they’re going to respond and experience has taught me that it’s best not to go around with your fancy-pants boundaries expecting people to be rewarding you, praising you, or even telling them about how you want things to be. Just get on with it.
Also, and this is more serious, I posted some very heavy stuff to both Cedar and you and I'm afraid for you to read what I sent (very much so), yet I hope you do read it and tell me the truth. The fact that I'm s hivering like a baby inside should tell you how heavy these were for me. You don't have to answer my questions about them. I will NOT be angry if you don't want to.
I do not see this, Serenity.
Will you send again, please?
I am glad for you that you took the courage to post whatever it was.
I will answer because I always learn so much about myself when I do.
I will go look again.