Changing His Mind Without a Tantrum - Advice Needed

[Bunny]

A few weeks ago I was talking to difficult child about confirmation in the fall. I was telling him that he needed to pick a confirmation name and someone to be his confirmation sponsor. Sister Anne Marie said that she talked to all of the 7th grade classes about this, but difficult child swears that he knew nothing about it. Anyway, difficult child asked who can be a sponsor and I told him that as faw as I knew the only requirements were that the person be a baptized and confirmed Catholic, and I suggested his grandfather or his uncle. Instead, his answer was, "I want you, Mom!" Not what I wanted for him, but if this is what he wants it's what he wants.

This morning I was at a meeting for the parents of the kids making communion this spring (easy child) and the head of religious ed made a comment about how my kids were sort of books ends: one just starting and the other just ending. I brought up the confirmation sponsors to her and told her what difficult child wants and she told me that the Catholic Church has changed its rules. Confirmation candidates can not have a parent as a sponsor.

Now, this is one of those things that can no either way with difficult child. Either he will say, "Okay" and go on his merry way and pick another choice, or he will have a screaming fit about it. How do I frame this conversation so that, even if he's disappointed that he can't have his first choice, he makes a second one willingly?

Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank you.

 

[DDD]

Hmmmmmmm. You'll know the best way I'm sure. All I can think of is lead with a positive. "You know what I found out this week? Mothers are honored at Confirmation because they are the Moms. Having a son or a daughter who is prepared for the Sacrament reflects positively on their love and devotion to their child and shows that 'special" bond. The Church wants the Mom there but also wants someone else who loves the child to be included as the Sponsor because that's a separate special relationship. Do you want to give this honor to X or Y? I know they'll be excited to be included."

Best I can come up with at the moment. Any chance that would fly? Hugs DDD

 

[DaisyFace]

The church changed it's rules, eh? Hmmm....

That's kind of sad. I remember watching my friend get confirmed and she had as her sponsor her invalid mother....who was in a wheelchair and had to be assisted in placing her hand on the daughter's shoulder. I thought it was such a touching scene...

I think your best bet is to just be honest with your difficult child. ESPECIALLY if you can find something in writing that you can show him. That way, it is CHURCH POLICY and not Mom who is making this change.

Good luck!

 

[DDD]

On a lighter note, has he chosen his Confirmation name? I vividly remember discussing names and Saints for hours and hours and hours with my friends. Has anyone ever used it? Nope. Does anyone that I know even know it? Nope. by the way, lol, you can call me Bernadette. Hugs DDD

 

[keista]

I thought this was always the rule - no parents.

Anyway, I would lead in like DDD said, but you also might consider having your favorite pick (hopefully someone difficult child is pretty close to) ask difficult child if he could have that honor. This way it takes the pressure off of difficult child having to ask. Might seem like a trivial thing, but it can be huge.

Me? I asked my Aunt to be my sponsor 3 days before confirmation. I was shy and insecure and spent 3 weeks with her shopping for my confirmation dress - I figured she knew already that it was her "job". Anyway, I was forced to ask her even so late.

So in my humble opinion his anxiety could be getting in his way and that's why he wants you as his sponsor - easy peasy. If you remove that stress by having someone ask him for that honor, he might be a lot more receptive.

 

[DDD]

Keista, that sounds like a better way to do it. Good thought. DDD

 

[Bunny]

Thank you all for your advice.

Kiesta, no there was a period when you could ask a parent to be your sponsor. husband had his father as his sponsor and since we go to the church that husband grew up in it never occured to me to check out who could and could not be a sponsor. I'll talk to him about it this weekend.

Thanks!

 

[TeDo]

Good idea Keista. THAT is a great one. sounds like you have a winner Bunny.

DDD, you can call me Saint Catherine!! LOL

 

[Bunny]

On a lighter note, has he chosen his Confirmation name? I vividly remember discussing names and Saints for hours and hours and hours with my friends.

He wants to pick as his confirmation name the same name as his first name. I asked he wants to do that and wouldn't he rather pick something different, but he's adamant that this is the name he wants. Not the fight I'm going to pick.

I brought the sponsor issue up to him last night. It went like this

Me: If I could not be your confirmation sponsor for some reason, who would you pick as your second choice?
difficult child: Dad! (You would have thought I would have seen that answer coming, right?)
Me: What is you can't pick either your mom or dad? Who would you pick?
difficult child: Why are you asking?
Me: Well, I spoke to Sister Anne Marie and she told me that the Church changed its rules and you are not allowed to ask a parent to be a confirmation sponsor anymore. It has to be someone else that you think is special enough to honor. If you want to think about for a while, that's fine.
difficult child: I'll ask Grandpa.
Me: I think Grandpa would be a GREAT choice.

And that was the end of the conversation. How come the things that cause the tantrums are never the ones that I prepare for?

 

[DDD]

Lol. I had a conversation yesterday with my friend (another Grandma with a difficult child grand, sigh) and with-o a great deal of thought I accidentally said something profound. I said to her "the main problem is that we always have to stay in ready mode because we never know what's going to happen day to day or hour to hour". She said "OMG, you are right. When I'm sure she is going to be fine she explodes out of the blue and if I'm not ready for it I don't react well." Sigh! Guess we are not intended to every completely relax, Buddy.

Now.....do reassure me and tell me that his "real" name is also a Saint's name. Hugs DDD

 

[keista]

The name thing isn't so weird. Mine was almost the same as my Baptism name - just a different spelling.

And that was the end of the conversation. How come the things that cause the tantrums are never the ones that I prepare for?

Because Murphy decided it was going to be that way. Yeah, I know he didn't really *decide* it, he identified it, but we have to blame someone.

 

[Bunny]

It is. His name is a common, actually, so I was hoping that he would pick something different. Nope. He wants to use his first name again. Like I said, we have to pick and choose our battles, and this is not the battle I am going to pick.

 

[InsaneCdn]

And that was the end of the conversation. How come the things that cause the tantrums are never the ones that I prepare for?

Ahhh... haven't figured that one out yet?
difficult children are way better at this than average kids, but it works even for average kids.
If we as parents "see it coming", then we have a "plan", and we are more relaxed... and the kids pick up on it.
I'm not sure if us being prepared takes the fun out of it, or if us being relaxed about it avoids escalation...

But... the biggest blowups and meltdowns are over the stuff I fail to see coming.

 

[DammitJanet]

Glad this one worked out well...whew!

 

[Bunny]

But... the biggest blowups and meltdowns are over the stuff I fail to see coming.

I once had a conversation with a friend that went something like this:


Me: It never fails! I plan for A, B, and C, and it's always D that causes a problem.
Friend: Why didn't you plan for D?
Me: Because I never thought of it!

Glad to hear that we're all in the same boat!

 

[HaoZi]

And that constant readiness is why we end up with PTSD, and the psychiatrists look at us and wonder why. Glad it's worked out well so far.