nah YOU did not bring it up----it is simply there- always there, part of who I am. just like my morals and personal values are part of who I am. Just like what my fav food is part of who I am.
and part of it IS healthy- it is something that helps prevent me from getting into a situation where similar may happen to me again.just like you do not touch the stove for fear of getting burned,I do not permit myself to be in certain situations or circumstances.
-- becuz I LEARNED from MY previous experiences.
But learning to get beyond victimhood is kinda like driving a car or learning to play piano.....it cannot be rushed, it does not happen easily, and the results do now show up quickly. It is something that is built on and small successes breed bigger sucesses..kinda like when it is still early winter and you step onto ice, and OK this ice here holds me, ut I am gonna go slow and be VERY carful taking the next step------and the one after that and so on....I am doubtful to just take your word for it it is safe, cuz how do you know any better than me? and if I hear any signs of cracking, I am not gonna plunge ahead, I am gonna stay rght here fornow. (or even step back)
It is a healing process and nothing heals better than time. Yes, you can promote healing, but you cannot put it on fast forward.
The reason I am surviving is simply becuz ----well- the opposite would be to NOT survive. The only thing I can think of is either then the situation killed me- or I killed myself so as not to survive it. and I was even more scared of suicide. so- of course I "survived" my "abuses" But that is only simply becuz I did not die. It does not necessarily mean I chose not to die....only that I did not die. and while it was happening? There were times I DID want to die. wished to die, begged to die.
I am not sure there is another side to come out of? I am me, this happened to me, I continue to grow to learn, but, those things are still there, - maybe they are behind me depending on how you think, but----they are also still a huge part of who I am, and how I came to have my personal morals, my personal values, my own fears, my opinions. How it affected me - those are my feelings. I feel how I feel. Yes, I can learn to have a different response....to a certain degree, - yes, I can learn more socially acceptable responses------BUT I doubt I will ever give up all of it. when people raise their voices, I no longer freak out screaming-----I simply go home. I do not hang aaround trying to diffuse things, I donot stay where I am becuz I am afraid. and rightfully so. In my life experience, - when voices raise, guns come out.
I had to watch.....see it happen.....over and over and over that no- not everyone is waiting to touch my privates. Not everyone is gonna walk around holding a gun and wave it around and pull the trigger. You could TELL me that till the cows come home-----gosh, the people who did those things told me things, too. So I had to see for myself--over and over and over again, over years and years.....and still in the back of my head-----it IS still there------some people lied to me. the people who were supposed to keep me safe didn't.....people said they would not hurt me and they did.
It takes time...but even with therapy, even with love, it does not go all the way away.
I survived becuz what they did did not kill me. Sometimes I wished they would have. It has nothing to do with strength. a gun that fires 2 inches from your face does not kill you, but the gun missing your face does not have anything to do with being strong. Sex itself does not kill you - I was not strong just becuz I lived thru brutal sex against my will. There are lots of very strong people in the world who did not have bad things happen to them. Strong is what you get when you lift weights. SOmetimes in my mind, I think if I were strong, maybe some of those things would not have happened in the first place.
I survived, but I worked with vegatative people who also were to be considered as surviving--------
I cannot just let go of it or forget it happened-----if I do it might fester up and get bigger. and if I did, then I might also forget things I did learn from it. I am simply a person who these terrible things happened to and these things help explain why my values and opinions might be different than someone elses, and why my reactions to things might be different than someone elses.
I am simply a person who when I do get scared and walk away from raised voices, I only want those who love me to say to themself- oh.......yes, she had to leave cuz it got heated here, but thats OK...it makes sense and it is OK. And maybe have them come with me, hold my hand, give me a hug, pat me on the back and say....it's OK, I am here, lets go do something different.
and it is not strength that makes me think gosh I wish I did not have that in MY history and background. Are you strong if you touch the hot stove becuz you have never been burnt on one? are you strong becuz you know now not to touch the hot stove becuz it might burn you? are you strong becuz you know it might burn you and you touch it anyway?
My son lost his eye playing. For the rest of my life, I will always stop kids from doing what he was doing when he lost his. Nevermind thousands of kids do exactly the same thing and do not lose their eye. My child DID and I cannot erase that. ALL of you might think I am over reacting becuz I would say no, stop doing that. But it happened to us. That is our reality. You can tell me forever it won't happen again......but, I know it CAN happen, cuz it DID happen He is not stronger becuz it happened and he lived. He is not a survivor becuz it happened. and we cannot undo that he did this and this happened.
So often we come here and say "my kid does not learn" but you see- kt and wm DID learn......and they did/do react and respond. and their responses to what happened to them might not be over the top for what they lived thru. and being born into it......they did not have time or different experiences BEFORE it happened.
You can teach them a better outward response, hopefully.......but the truth is what happened to them should cause outrage not just in them but in everyone else, too. They ARE victims. you cannot change their history. and to I don't know-----say don;t act like a victim might hit them kinda like gee, don't be female...don't be a brunette......it might hit them like gosh, how do I cut THAT part out of me?
Yeah, it is gonna take a long time anda lot of patience and a ton of positive experiences.
Their abuse does not sound like it was a one time thing.....it WAS their life, their reality, and it is a part of them. they are gonna need a LOT of proof that that is not the norm.
The good thing is that yes, they can still live life even with that ......they CAN learn to have opinions, and have pleasures and they can still grow.....becuz the abuses are only a part of them. there are also so many other people in the world, YES...who do go on with life.......and they already show you they can, too. wm and his glasses and his comments to you about the glasses? kt back when she wanted to keep making sock dolls?
They ARE moving forward.they ARE living their life.
I was wondering what kt did while you watched movies of YOUR mother? I would guess losing your mother could bring a LOT up for them. Jealousy your mom was a better mom, confusion over you losing her.....sadness she is gone......I don't know-LOTS of things.
I know you get sick of me, I know you prolly hate when I post. Do know I do not know you, I am aware of that......do know I post only to try to offer a different viewpoint, a different perspective, and becuz I have been sucked up by kt and wm and my heart aches for all of you. Take what applies, leave the rest......but please do know I post only becuz I DO care.even if my ideas sound ..........different. and remember, I never said I knew everything or that I was perfect or that I am right. I am ONLY a different perspective, nothiing more. I speak always only from my heart. (which sometimes LOL does cause trouble for me, LOL) and I post based on what you type- I do not have ALL the info- cuz I don't know you, I don't know the kids....maybe if I did know you in person, I might have entirely different ideas etc.
And if you knew me in person, you might be VERY surprised who I am in person. (I am NOT at ALL confrontational- EVER----I would run away and or cry before ever instigating anything) My FIRST advice for ANY complaint is------go take a bath.....YES! seriously-----LOL-----(here I am a nurse and I say go take a bath to everything)
I was once super hyper organized and very much in control and in charge of every part of my life, my dhs life, and my kids life PLUS my in laws......and my home and affairs were immaculate.
My own major illness changed a lot of my life priorities, my losses of recent years changed more priorities.
I just wanted you to know------I am aware you must think me nuts--goofy....whatever. But- I post to you from my heart. Truly. I do not post to upset you. I really really don't.
Give yourself and your kids a hug from me.