Here we go Again

[New Leaf]

Hello everyone,
I apologize for my intermittent posting, I am trying to balance out life and health issues, as well as raise my granddaughter. I have to let you guys know that although I am not here often, I am forever grateful for the help I have received and continue to receive whenever I am here on this site. I can’t stress enough how being here has saved me many, many times. It is a hard journey we are all on and having a place to find comfort and understanding is priceless.
Here’s what is going on with me lately….
Who knew raising a teen in my 60’s would be so rewarding and challenging at the same time? She keeps me on my toes and I am blessed to have her here with me.
Her mom, Tornado, had another stint in jail through the summer and in early fall was released to rehab. She sent a few letters to her daughter about finding the Lord and sticking it out this time. I started to answer her phone calls and encouraged her to “stay the course”. (Again). She made a few requests for incidentals, which I did bring over to the rehab. The last attempted delivery, the lady at the front desk asked me to fill out the usual form, then inquired who the package was for. I replied and she looked down and shook her head no. Staff are not supposed to give out information about their clients for privacy reasons, but I knew all too well that was rehab body language that my daughter left the program. I couldn’t help myself and burst into tears. My stomach churns writing this. Sporadically catching glimpses of the person I once knew, only to have the rug pulled out from under us again is a sort of inhumane torture. I suppose I should turn that around and be grateful that she attempted rehab again. But it’s hard. It is mostly for my grands that I cry, I’m sure she has made promises to the boys as well, we all guardedly get our hopes up. My granddaughter remains stoic, but I know it hurts her. She does not express much about her mom and dads addiction, street life and drug use. The social worker talks about counseling, but she is not ready for that conversation. I leave that door open and don’t force the issue because I feel that when she feels the need, hopefully she will go. Right now, she is busy trying to live her teen years and set goals for herself.
I am sad about my daughters choice to leave, but this time is different. I don’t feel as dazed and heartbroken. Well, as much, to be completely honest. The fearful voice in my head starts to run through worst case scenarios and I try to swallow that rumination with prayer. “The most dangerous time for an addict is using again after rehab, likelihood of overdose is strong.” Gulp. STOP! Pray.
Sigh.
Hopefully, one day my two will tire of meth use and street life. I don’t know how they do it. It’s such a degraded way to exist, living under bridges, makeshift tents, showering and washing clothes in public restrooms. When I drive by the park my two normally stay at, I wonder if they are there amongst the many blue tarp shelters dotting the perimeter. Police frequently raid these encampments, the homeless move, but then it doesn’t take long for them to return. I asked Tornado when she was sober about living this way, she said that it is a selfish way to be, existing only for “the party.” I guess it is some sort of freedom for those who don’t wish to live a conventional life and follow rules.
I know this for certain, I can’t put my life on hold waiting for my two wayward’s to wake up. I think being blessed raising my granddaughter forces me to move forward away from the rabbit holes edge.
I am doing okay, but I am not fine. I would be lying to myself and you all if I wrote that. I have to find different ways to deal with this reality. Some days are better than others. Just got to keep on keeping on. I hope you all are well.
Much love
Leaf

 

[in a daze]

Just got to keep on keeping on

Exactly!

I am so sorry she left the rehab. What a disappointment for you and your granddaughter.

My son‘s not living under a bridge, but I’m not fine, either. When he suffers, I suffer.

 

[Blighty]

Hi Leaf
Big hug to you. The way forward is not easy or simple. Disappointment, setbacks, worry, grief. That burden remains with you. But you are making your way forward in spite of what life is throwing at you. That inspires me. The way you consider your granddaughters needs moves me. What an awesome grandma you are.

 

[New Leaf]

Aloha Daze,
Thank you so much for your kind reply. I’m so sorry you are still on this path as well.

I am so sorry she left the rehab. What a disappointment for you and your granddaughter.

My son‘s not living under a bridge, but I’m not fine, either. When he suffers, I suffer.

I’m trying to put a name on this feeling Daze. At least we are in the islands, so I don’t have that nagging worry about where they are in freezing temperatures. I am not so much suffering, but there is this ever present ache in my soul. It waxes and wanes within.
I miss them, plain and simple.
Leaf

 

[in a daze]

I’m trying to put a name on this feeling Daze. At least we are in the islands, so I don’t have that nagging worry about where they are in freezing temperatures. I am not so much suffering, but there is this ever present ache in my soul. It waxes and wanes within.

Leafy, you expressed what I am feeling so well. It’s an ever present heaviness that is lessened or eliminated by distraction.

you’re raising your granddaughter, and a teenager as well, by yourself now! You’re an inspiration. Blessings and may the Force be with you.
.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Blighty,
Thank you for your kindness.

Big hug to you. The way forward is not easy or simple. Disappointment, setbacks, worry, grief. That burden remains with you. But you are making your way forward in spite of what life is throwing at you.

Definitely not easy or simple. I am likening it to my issue with arthritis, I have to know what triggers flare ups and try to avoid them. So, emotional flare ups are bound to happen when faced with circumstances with my two. There are triggers. Like leaving rehab. Sit back and breathe, process the feelings and go from there.
Thank you Blighty.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Daze,
Yes, this…

It’s an ever present heaviness that is lessened or eliminated by distraction.

I accept that my help does not help them. What is difficult and confusing for me right now, especially with the holidays coming, is the different theories on approach to dealing with addicted loved ones. There are sites that talk about the importance of family engaging, to let their wayward one know that they are loved, and that tugs at my heart. I’m not planning on staging an intervention, we are way past that. I know I cannot save them, and will not sacrifice the peace in my home. I guess what my heart and mind is questioning is do I try and reach out, and if I did, what would be the outcome for me? Would I feel relieved to see them, or would it make things more difficult? Would I even be able to find them? I will pray on this.

you’re raising your granddaughter, and a teenager as well, by yourself now! You’re an inspiration. Blessings and may the Force be with you.

Oh man , Daze at times I wonder if I am doing right by my granddaughter. I do have help from my well adult children, and she is wonderful with her little brother, who just adores her. I surely do need blessings and the Force! The same wish for blessings and the Force be with you, to you
dear. We all definitely need a higher power to help be with us through good times and especially through the rough patches.
Much love
Leaf

 

[Kalahou]

Aloha Leaf,

I am not here often, I am forever grateful for the help I have received and continue to receive whenever I am here on this site. I can’t stress enough how being here has saved me many, many times. It is a hard journey we are all on and having a place to find comfort and understanding is priceless.

It is the same with me Leaf. I have not posted here for so long (too painful) but I visit this site almost daily to keep strong and steadfast, and give silent / behind the scenes support. Gleaning truths and wisdom from you, our old friend Copa and others has saved me repeatedly from depths of despair.

I have missed you, dear Tita, and followed along with your threads and postings. I so often think of you and hold you and yours in pule kakou as I daily walk out and about , looking up through tears at the big sky, across the island shore, over the beautiful pali, and through our dramatic clouds and rainbows. It is one of my ways to stay grounded, to hear the small voice that whispers “you are going to be alright.”

I hold you with love, comfort and understanding, and am so sorry we continue in these situations. My son (now 43) has been back in jail almost one year and is awaiting a further sentencing. I almost selfishly hope he will continue in a facility, because it is more relief for me to know he is inside. He communicates that he wants to put these chapters of his life behind him and wants a new chance, but we have heard that many times before, only to go through the “rinse / repeat” cycle over and over. I pray he will come to his point of readiness, if it is to be. In the meantime, I am learning a new mantra – “Love what is.”

But it’s hard. It is mostly for my grands that I cry,

Yes, heartbreaking. My two “grands” (15 yrs & 12) from this son are thankfully well cared for in their mom’s family. I am sure his absence affects them, but it is sad that they act as if they have mostly forgotten their dad as he is not part of their lives.

I am 76 years and know my need to keep my mind and body low-key and peaceful, even through frequent unbidden tears. I have kept working full-time (telework mostly), mainly to force my focus through the days to other needs.

I am sad about my daughters choice to leave, but this time is different. I don’t feel as dazed and heartbroken. Well, as much, to be completely honest. The fearful voice in my head starts to run through worst case scenarios and I try to swallow that rumination with prayer.

Yes, the more we go through each situation, we realize we do get through it one way or another, little by little, and while it is not what we would chose or like, there is some protection from the callous that has built up. Fears arise but serve no helpful purpose. You - and all that pertains to you and yours - are going to be alright. I give thanks for your ohana circle, for the loving hearts somewhere deep in Rain and Tornado, and for the great blessing, comfort and support you have from those caring others in the fam.

Stay strong, Leaf, and thank you for the update so we can circle the wagons. This is a safe place.
** It is a new day. Malama pono.

Kalahou

 

[New Leaf]

Aloha Kalahou,
Mahalo nui for your kind response. Your words are always so soothing.

It is the same with me Leaf. I have not posted here for so long (too painful) but I visit this site almost daily to keep strong and steadfast, and give silent / behind the scenes support. Gleaning truths and wisdom from you, our old friend Copa and others has saved me repeatedly from depths of despair.

I so understand the part of posting being painful. At one point I felt a need to step back, for fear of being consumed by sadness. But, I also found myself slipping away and would come here to garner strength.

I have missed you, dear Tita, and followed along with your threads and postings. I so often think of you and hold you and yours in pule kakou as I daily walk out and about , looking up through tears at the big sky, across the island shore, over the beautiful pali, and through our dramatic clouds and rainbows. It is one of my ways to stay grounded, to hear the small voice that whispers “you are going to be alright.”

I have missed you as well. I must say, I have felt your presence and the gentleness of your thoughts from posts long ago are well remembered and appreciated. What has helped to sustain me is my work in the garden- but I do miss my morning walks and have to get back on track with that. Covid did a number on me and I am trying to come back from the long haul symptoms that prevented my usual routine. Slowly but surely.

I hold you with love, comfort and understanding, and am so sorry we continue in these situations. My son (now 43) has been back in jail almost one year and is awaiting a further sentencing. I almost selfishly hope he will continue in a facility, because it is more relief for me to know he is inside.

Holding you with love too my dear. It is a hard journey to be on, but it is what it is. Sometimes I feel strong, triggered times, I have to make effort to get back on my feet. I understand the hope that our loved ones remain in jail, all too well.

He communicates that he wants to put these chapters of his life behind him and wants a new chance, but we have heard that many times before, only to go through the “rinse / repeat” cycle over and over. I pray he will come to his point of readiness, if it is to be. In the meantime, I am learning a new mantra – “Love what is.”

I have heard the same from Tornado. I don’t see much of Rain and have not spoken with her in a long time. Her sister said she asked her to go to rehab with her, but she replied that she didn’t need it. Prayer is powerful, I will hold my two and your son in prayer and hope they find their way. You are right, if it is to be. Your new mantra reminds me of my dads favorite quote from Epictetus “Seek not to have things happen as you choose them, but rather choose that they happen as they do, and you shall live prosperously.” Acceptance. That is what I am trying to navigate.

Yes, heartbreaking. My two “grands” (15 yrs & 12) from this son are thankfully well cared for in their mom’s family. I am sure his absence affects them, but it is sad that they act as if they have mostly forgotten their dad as he is not part of their lives.

I am glad that your grands are well cared for. It is a hard journey for these kids.

I am 76 years and know my need to keep my mind and body low-key and peaceful, even through frequent unbidden tears. I have kept working full-time (telework mostly), mainly to force my focus through the days to other needs.

I so feel your thoughts on the need to be low key and peaceful. Stress is a big trigger for my arthritis. I have been retired for over a year now, and although times are getting tougher financially, it was the right move for me.

Yes, the more we go through each situation, we realize we do get through it one way or another, little by little, and while it is not what we would chose or like, there is some protection from the callous that has built up. Fears arise but serve no helpful purpose. You - and all that pertains to you and yours - are going to be alright. I give thanks for your ohana circle, for the loving hearts somewhere deep in Rain and Tornado, and for the great blessing, comfort and support you have from those caring others in the fam.

My well children have been a great comfort for me, as well as a reminder of the years focused on trying to “save” my two from their awful choices. That is a point to reflect on, I don’t want to miss out on healthy relationships, focusing on what I have absolutely no control over. Been there, done that. My granddaughter deserves a healthy Tutu, she deserves to live a peaceful life.

Stay strong, Leaf, and thank you for the update so we can circle the wagons. This is a safe place.
** It is a new day. Malama pono.

Mahalo nui Kalahou. You stay strong as well. I so appreciate your comforting words. It is a new day.
A Hui Hou, Malama pono
and big (((hugs)))
Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

but this time is different. I don’t feel as dazed and heartbroken. Well, as much,

I am so sorry New Leaf, but my heart is warmed that the loss this time is not as crushing. I feel it too when my son leaves. Even though I know it is a fantasy when I hope he will stay and I can have the chance/the illusion I can have him close...I still want the feeling.

My son‘s not living under a bridge, but I’m not fine, either. When he suffers, I suffer.

I'm not fine either. My son is homeless and probably sleeps under shrubs. He was back until a few days. He becomes humble and wants to be near when he has no money at the end of the month. And then he feels powerful and becomes dominating when the check arrives. Sometimes I hold strong.

What an awesome grandma you are.

Yes.

I am always happy when you come here New Leaf. I am so happy you're here too, Kalahou.

 

[New Leaf]

Hello dearest Copa,
It is always so encouraging to receive your support and comfort.

I am so sorry New Leaf, but my heart is warmed that the loss this time is not as crushing. I feel it too when my son leaves. Even though I know it is a fantasy when I hope he will stay and I can have the chance/the illusion I can have him close...I still want the feeling.

I am thankful that I am getting a bit better at working through these disappointments. It’s still hard. My two will always be a part of me. I have not had the strength to see them, but am coming around to a decision to try. Detachment comes in many forms, and if I can hold on to sanity and engage with them every so often, then it is worth an effort.

I'm not fine either. My son is homeless and probably sleeps under shrubs. He was back until a few days. He becomes humble and wants to be near when he has no money at the end of the month. And then he feels powerful and becomes dominating when the check arrives. Sometimes I hold strong.

I am so sorry Copa that you go through this still with your son. I know you love him dearly and want the best for him. I wish that our adult kids would want the best for themselves. You have come a long way in being able to cope with his choices and set healthy boundaries for yourself. I’m not sure what to expect when or if I am able to see Rain or Tornado. Contact feels a bit scary, like I am setting myself up for the same old same old. I don’t know if seeing them would make this ache worse. I’m not getting any younger and I guess that is what is making me reconsider my options. Im not fooling myself anymore that I can change what their choices are. I’m not going to actively look for them. But, if I do see them I may make an effort to stop. Say hello, tell them I love them. It has been on my mind for awhile. I have to admit that there is also a looming feeling of whether it is safe or not. That’s sad that I have to consider that, but I do. Not only because of the people that are in the park, but I don’t want to set myself up to be taken advantage of, especially with my granddaughter at home with me. I need to think long and hard about this, because the safety of my home could be jeopardized. That’s a sad reality. My two have been using meth for a long time. I don’t know what their state of mind is. I may just be talking myself out of it. Oh boy. Well. I do have time to think and pray on it.

I am always happy when you come here New Leaf. I am so happy you're here too, Kalahou.

Thank you so much Copa. I so appreciate your kindness. It is wonderful to hear from Kalahou. We have been veterans in a battle we never thought we would be in. I wish it wasn’t so, but here we are.
Much love to you, and thank you so very much for your thoughts.
Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

I have to admit that there is also a looming feeling of whether it is safe or not. That’s sad that I have to consider that,

I am getting tired so I will just respond to this. I think this is necessary and wise, this caution. I have only physically seen my son once since last Thanksgiving. He knows he cannot come to my home unless he is invited and M is here too. There has been too much volatility. And I live alone without anybody else who I have a responsibility to protect. I am not saying my son is volatile. It is more that I am reactive because I am fearful and I fear for myself when he is around. I did go and talk to him alone about 6 months ago. We sat in my car and it was nice.

What I am trying to say is that these are NOT normal mother-child interactions. How traumatic and how very sad. But for us, real.
The other thing about your daughters is that for them, it's the give-an-inch-and-then-a-mile problem. You have been there too many times, for too long. I don't know the answer but your daughters need to understand limits. And they don't. My son doesn't either.
Love, Copa

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you Copa for reeling me back in. I can’t let my heart and emotions blind me to what is the truth.

What I am trying to say is that these are NOT normal mother-child interactions. How traumatic and how very sad. But for us, real.

You are correct, traumatic and sad, but I have to keep myself in check to the reality that my daughters do not see me as I would wish. I will not put my neck on the chopping block, or jeopardize my granddaughters safety.
Thank you my friend for your honest foresight.
Sleep well.
Leaf

 

[Deni D]

New Leaf, Copa, Kalahou, Daze and everyone else in the same situation ~ I so wish you didn't have to wake up everyday with the feeling of "all is not well". You are so strong. I know you work hard to have those distractions which bring some joy in your lives. I pray for your loved ones and I pray you find peace more often than not in the areas of your life that bring you peace.

 

[in a daze]

New Leaf, Copa, Kalahou, Daze and everyone else in the same situation ~ I so wish you didn't have to wake up everyday with the feeling of "all is not well". You are so strong. I know you work hard to have those distractions which bring some joy in your lives. I pray for your loved ones and I pray you find peace more often than not in the areas of your life that bring you peace.

Thank you, Deni. I’m so glad your son is doing better! medications make a big difference with bipolar disorder. I’ve seen this in my niece, as well.

 

[New Leaf]

New Leaf, Copa, Kalahou, Daze and everyone else in the same situation ~ I so wish you didn't have to wake up everyday with the feeling of "all is not well". You are so strong. I know you work hard to have those distractions which bring some joy in your lives. I pray for your loved ones and I pray you find peace more often than not in the areas of your life that bring you peace.

Thank you so much Deni,
I’m so glad that your son is doing better. I sure do appreciate your prayers.
Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

I so wish you didn't have to wake up everyday with the feeling of "all is not well". You are so strong. I know you work hard to have those distractions which bring some joy in your lives.

Thank you, Deni. It means a lot when somebody gets it. My friends in "real life" don't. Sometimes, it feels isolating. I guess that is one reason here for me seems un-leavable.

 

[Nomad]

A touching thread. I do more often than not wake up with the feeling that all is not well. And I’m distracting myself by taking clases. Have been doing so since April. I study an hour every morning. Then go about my day. Of course between my age, health issues and that “thing” in the background…my concentration isn’t what it use to be. But I’m grateful for the distraction.

Our daughter does one of two things when out of money. Extremes. Usually she is Threatening, actually. Unkind and nasty. Occasionally, she tries the opposite tactic. What is missing is sincerity.

I feel like I’ve had to learn some difficult lessons with all of this.

If nothing else, personal responsibility (ours not theirs) . You can’t assume the responsibilities of an adult child. You can’t make them do what they don’t want to do.

And most of all that life can really be good. This can be put in the background. Life truly is a blessing.

 

[RN0441]

Leafy

I'm so sorry that you are STILL going through this. So many of us here are and we have to accept that this is our normal even though it is in no way "normal". No one can possibly understand unless they go through it.

I spent the day with some old friends Sunday and my one friend lost her 26 year old son to a heroin overdose in her home 3 years ago. He had been sober for 9 months and was looking forward to a raise at his job and saving for (another) car. She has since married but naturally feels this pain every day. She knows she can only learn to live with it. The pain will never go away. She feels a lot of guilt because she's relieved she doesn't have to "worry about him every day" anymore. A few weeks ago she was cleaning her crawl space and found about 1000 packs of heroin. She couldn't believe it and had no idea that he had purchased so much and when!

When I feel helpless and hopeless I turn it over to God and try to self comfort and focus on the positives in my life. We all have them and you have them too. That is where I get my strength. You have helped me tremendously on this journey.

Much love.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Nomad,
It is a learning curve isn’t it?

A touching thread. I do more often than not wake up with the feeling that all is not well. And I’m distracting myself by taking clases. Have been doing so since April. I study an hour every morning. Then go about my day. Of course between my age, health issues and that “thing” in the background…my concentration isn’t what it use to be. But I’m grateful for the distraction.

I’m glad you are taking classes. Work was not helping me (except financially) so I decided to retire early. Doing okay, just those moments when things don’t happen as I would wish when concerning my waywards. But, that has been the pattern for a long time now. One would think I would be used to it, but I still roll the tapes a bit. Not so much as before. When I get to the other side of it, I can be grateful for those tender moments we shared when they were younger. The difference is, I know they are adults and what is, is. So, I have to pull up my britches and give it to God. Distractions are good, and some sort of routine.

What is missing is sincerity.

When my daughter has been somewhat sober, I get those phone calls, plenty of “I love you’s” but there is always some request that goes along with that. I’m not sure about sincerity either.

I feel like I’ve had to learn some difficult lessons with all of this.

Me too. I guess that is the way to look at it and move forward. “Why me?” Just leaves a person stuck in the swamp of it. At some point it has to turn into “What can I do better?”

If nothing else, personal responsibility (ours not theirs) . You can’t assume the responsibilities of an adult child. You can’t make them do what they don’t want to do.

Truth.

And most of all that life can really be good. This can be put in the background. Life truly is a blessing.

I love this Nomad. This can be put in the background. Life truly is a blessing. Thank you for your kind and wise words.
Leaf