First I called my ex and talked to him then I called my son and confronted him about all his kill talk, both suicide and other. He broke down crying and said he didn't even know how to shoot a gun, but that if he had one and lost the case, he would most likely turn it on himself because then he lost everything. I told him that he has made me afraid of him and the self-pitying crying turned to anger. "How can you even think I meant it?" I asked about his ex. "I wish she'd die every day. She has ruined my life on purpose. But I'm not going to do anything to her. Just myself maybe and not until I know." The talk went on this way for about an hour, with him getting more and more agitated and telling me that he needed help but had no extra money for therapy right now. I didn't know what to say to that. He doesn't have money left and my husband and I always spend all we have and barely make it. I'd probably pay for him to go to therapy if I could, but it's not possible. He claims he makes too much to qualify for services at his country clinic...that they don't take into consideration any of his massive expenses. I sort of believe him. He's so unhappy, I think he'd see anyone if he could. But...it would also have to be somebody who would see him in the evenings and weekends and the county place isn't open then. He has already missed tons of work due to court and his boss is very unhappy. Ok, then came the bad part (like the first part wasn't bad). He asked me not to tell anyone what he said. I told him that if he ever says it again I'm going to call somebody. He said who. I said I didn't know. That set off a wild rant of how I think he's capable of this and that and a slew of swearing and how I'm a useless parent. Ended up hanging up on him, but I feel a little better. After I got off I called ex back. I was surprised that HE is as stressed as I am and he talked about how he's not going to get an ulcer over this, but that it's taking a toll. I can't handle it anymore. I'm going to be a bad mom, I guess, because this adult kid is off the rails and I can't help him. He even said, "If I had anyone else to talk to I would because you are not helpful." Honestly, I wanted to scream, as I've been trying so hard to support him. I know he has nobody else and love his son to pieces, but I stayed on long enough to remind him that even if he didn't see his son as much as he liked, he needed to be a good role model for him and couldn't do anything to himself or anyone else. He did say "I know" in a soft voice. The deposition is terrifying him. I don't want to live through it with him. Maybe I'll just put him on every three days. If he weren't mentally ill and if Scott hadn't left, I may not be talking to him at all. He says horrible things when he is under stress. He has never been under this much stress. It isn't pretty. Anyhow...thanks for listening.