tishthedish
Well-Known Member
It has been a taxing and tiring year. I am missing my husband's companionship and love immensely. We had something that was precious. It seemed like we were all hanging in there. My elder bipolar son (36) is living in a studio condo provided by me and he is off the street. That's been since February and it's wonderful not worrying about how many people were shot in Chicago every weekend. So that's the positive news.
My younger son (32) has been a joy to watch these past years. He lost custody of his special needs son to us and did everything demanded of him to get him back. He was self-supporting, met a wonderful girl with a little boy and was married in July of 2020. He made a six figure salary and bought a house.
We were all rocked by my husband's death. It's going to be a slow and erratic recovery, but progress has been made.
I had lunch with a girlfriend on Friday. 32 lives nearby and works from home. His wife works late on Fridays so I got a to-go order to drop off for him. I went over, he answered the door and then things were off. He would sit down, he didn't ask me what I got him, it looked like he had been playing video games. I thought maybe I had caught him napping. He took off upstairs and was there for a while and when he came down he said he was sorry, he didn't want me to think he was blowing me off, he had to use the bathroom. I finally focused on what was right in front of me and saw the bloodshot eyes. The fact he wouldn't make eye contact and was pacing and circling the room. It hit me like a brick and I just said I had to go, got up he gave me a halfway hug and said he had to get back to work. I didn't make any accusation at the time because I am just not up to being gaslighted. I wanted to get out of there and home where I could think more clearly and put some of my old defenses in place.
We have not spoken since. I am having breakfast with his wife on Tuesday. I don't even know how to handle it. My inclination is to not bring him up and if she does, I will refuse to speak of it. I don't want to get in the middle of anything. He's her's to handle now. The other thing is that we are planning a trip to see my 11-year old autistic grandson in KS later in the month. I am uncertain if I want to join his family. I can't handle the turmoil. What if he goes on a bender down there? I am hungry to see and hold my grandson and without my husband and because of my gs size, I am not able to visit alone. He can hurt me physically.
When this happened before with 32 he had custody of my gs. My husband and I were deeply involved to insure gs safety and help support 32's recovery. I don't have that responsibility now and I find it a huge relief. No matter how much he screws up his life, my gs is safe.
But here is the awful thing. We have had a real thinning of the herd here. None of my husband's family is close or associates outside of major holidays. I enjoyed my relationship with my son and his family. I love all of them so much. They'd be here for dinner every Sunday along with 36 and we were making a new tradition out of it. There is absolutely no one remaining in my family that I can confide in or receive counsel from. I feel so alone! I have this life I have to shape out of thin air and my imagination and while that's not the end of the world, I don't have the emotional energy to start adding positive measures due to grieving, handling ALL things house and business and now drug use. Do I cancel the trip, cancel Thanksgiving, not allow him in my house, give him the cold shoulder? Without an ally in my husband, this is all too daunting to face.
My younger son (32) has been a joy to watch these past years. He lost custody of his special needs son to us and did everything demanded of him to get him back. He was self-supporting, met a wonderful girl with a little boy and was married in July of 2020. He made a six figure salary and bought a house.
We were all rocked by my husband's death. It's going to be a slow and erratic recovery, but progress has been made.
I had lunch with a girlfriend on Friday. 32 lives nearby and works from home. His wife works late on Fridays so I got a to-go order to drop off for him. I went over, he answered the door and then things were off. He would sit down, he didn't ask me what I got him, it looked like he had been playing video games. I thought maybe I had caught him napping. He took off upstairs and was there for a while and when he came down he said he was sorry, he didn't want me to think he was blowing me off, he had to use the bathroom. I finally focused on what was right in front of me and saw the bloodshot eyes. The fact he wouldn't make eye contact and was pacing and circling the room. It hit me like a brick and I just said I had to go, got up he gave me a halfway hug and said he had to get back to work. I didn't make any accusation at the time because I am just not up to being gaslighted. I wanted to get out of there and home where I could think more clearly and put some of my old defenses in place.
We have not spoken since. I am having breakfast with his wife on Tuesday. I don't even know how to handle it. My inclination is to not bring him up and if she does, I will refuse to speak of it. I don't want to get in the middle of anything. He's her's to handle now. The other thing is that we are planning a trip to see my 11-year old autistic grandson in KS later in the month. I am uncertain if I want to join his family. I can't handle the turmoil. What if he goes on a bender down there? I am hungry to see and hold my grandson and without my husband and because of my gs size, I am not able to visit alone. He can hurt me physically.
When this happened before with 32 he had custody of my gs. My husband and I were deeply involved to insure gs safety and help support 32's recovery. I don't have that responsibility now and I find it a huge relief. No matter how much he screws up his life, my gs is safe.
But here is the awful thing. We have had a real thinning of the herd here. None of my husband's family is close or associates outside of major holidays. I enjoyed my relationship with my son and his family. I love all of them so much. They'd be here for dinner every Sunday along with 36 and we were making a new tradition out of it. There is absolutely no one remaining in my family that I can confide in or receive counsel from. I feel so alone! I have this life I have to shape out of thin air and my imagination and while that's not the end of the world, I don't have the emotional energy to start adding positive measures due to grieving, handling ALL things house and business and now drug use. Do I cancel the trip, cancel Thanksgiving, not allow him in my house, give him the cold shoulder? Without an ally in my husband, this is all too daunting to face.
