Cooler heads and calmer nerves

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by KC but no sunshine band, Oct 14, 2007.

  1. Good day everyone,

    Now that I have had a few days to breathe and we've done the memorial service for my brother in law, things don't seem near as desperate. It took me a couple of days to process why I had my meltdown on Thursday. Our family is a mixed family; husband has three kids - 2 easy child and 1 difficult child. I have 2 kids - 1 easy child and 1 difficult child. husband is bi-polar and gets easily frustrated by my difficult child. Consequently, my difficult child likes to push husband'S buttons to get a rise out of him. I have been playing referee in this for over six years. Thursday I hit my breaking point; I couldn't be torn in two anymore. It wasn't until Saturday that I really pinpointed what had transpired. We were getting ready to leave for the brother in law'S memorial service yesterday when husband yelled at difficult child for not wearing appropriate pants. I had to go intervene once again. Once I got there, I explained that I had told difficult child to wear the pants. husband had found this out already and apologized to difficult child for yelling. I pleaded with husband to be a little easier on difficult child. We went to the memorial service. It was at the memorial service when the timing was right and all of a sudden I blurted out what was going on with me. I told husband that I couldn't take the incessant fighting between him and difficult child; it is tearing me in two. difficult child was on his absolute best behaviour the whole time so this made things go smoothly with my speech. :thumbsup:
    Once the memorial service was finished, we had to take mother in law home. Usually she rides in the front of the car as she is a little crippled. husband surprised me as he brought the car up to the door and put mother in law in the back seat. Since I told him my feelings, he has been the kind, caring, and attentive husband that I married three plus years ago. Both he and difficult child are making an effort to get along. :dance:

    Today we went out as a family and it went very well. When we got home, difficult child and I laid down for a nap. husband was supposed to nap as well but when I got up, he had cleaned the kitchen, tidied up the living room, did laundry and ordered dinner. Life is good.

    :future: As for what the future holds, who knows. I'm just going to take it as it comes. In the meantime, my world is a much calmer place and now tomorrow when we go see the P-doctor, I no longer need to ask to put my darling difficult child in a group home. Instead, I will ask for more supports to be put into place. (ie. parenting courses, respite care, etc..)

    :its_all_good: God bless everyone and I hope you all have a great week!

  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to read that life is looking up and that you are planning on putting checks in place to ensure your family isn't in such a desperate place again. Your husband sounds like a very good person and he realizes you need some time to process and heal from the chaos and strife you've been experiencing. Please update us with how the psychiatrist meeting goes.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad things are calmer. I truly understand how torn you feel/felt, and how desperate. I hope that with counselling, and maybe a psychiatrist for husband? (if the 2 of you feel it would help him to keep his cool) the situation should be somewhat better. Do you tend to be more aggravated by "his" difficult child? I just wonder how it shakes out in blended families, I have not experienced this.

    I too felt torn between husband and difficult child needs. Not anymore, I had my breakdown when unsafe behaviors just could not be checked.

    For the short run, I will recommend the website and book that made a huge difference in how my husband dealt with my difficult child. Love and logic parenting is the book title, the website is

    This made such a huge difference. Where husband thought some of the other books "pandered" or encouraged difficult child behavior, this was a no-shouting parenting method that really worked for us. For as long as difficult child would let us parent him, that is. (difficult child is now happily living with my parents, who make him do hours of yard work when he heads into a rage - this seems to help. I am just glad not to live with him, and to get to see him frequently.)

    Many hugs and good thoughts!

  4. Hi Susie,

    Thank you for your words of encouragement and for the website. As for husband's difficult child(bi-polar), she is a wonderful person. She lived with us for 2.5 yrs. The reason she moved out is because she had problems with female authority due to her BM's way of dealing with her. Thus, she put me in the same category. However before she moved out, we had our share of differences and conflicts. She was daddy's little girl and would play that up when she felt it would benefit her. There were also times when she would try to play husband against me. So suffice it to say that we have had our fair set of challenges with our difficult child's. Now that husband's difficult child has moved out, our relationship with her has improved. Now if I can keep my difficult child out of husband's radar or try to get husband to turn down the sensitivity dial on his radar, we should do just fine. Hugs to you too Susie and I hope you have a wonderful day!

  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Way To Go, Kathy!
    I am not good at expressing my feelings of frustration, either. I am good at getting upset but not at pinpointing why. What you did was to-the-point and well timed.
    So sorry about the funeral. It's a stressful time for everyone. I hope your eulogy went well.