Could use some support

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Mrs.McNear51, Oct 25, 2011.

  1. Mrs.McNear51

    Mrs.McNear51 Member

    Still hoping someday I can post some real positive news here, today is not that day. Just need to get some of this out of me, and I know my old buddies here understand. I won't ramble, just the facts and where this has left us all.

    When SB gave up Lincoln 2 1/2 yrs ago, it was for a monster named Andy. A no good, drug dealer, who"s arrogance alone would run you out of a room. She has chased this man since the moment she met him. He has caused our family more pain than I can explain. But, she has made the choice to continue to engage him, and she time, after, time bears the emotional and physical scars he inflicts on her.

    Last night he beat her up once again. Bad enough to hospitalize her all day. He is in jail...again. A year and a half ago, he beat her beyond recognition, brain bleed, broken bones and extensive bruising. It was only by the grace of God, she survived. Since then, he has choked her on several occasions, yet she keeps going back. She claimed once again tonite, that she loves him....

    She didn't call me until after she was released from the hospital today. I was on my way to skype with sweet Lincoln when she called. She was crying, I asked what happened, and she said he had beaten her up again, please come to where I'm at. I was shaking so hard, falling apart inside. Asking myself over and over what to do. How can I not go? What kind of mother am I for not going? I pulled my car into a parking lot and told her when she called the local domestic shelter, I would come get her and take her there. I would comfort her there, I would be by her side. She told me I needed to treat her more like a daughter, than a victim of domestic violence. I replied, that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I hung up and cried. I did skype with Lincoln, who is doing amazing, but watched him with his dads girlfriend, calling her mommy, and my heart fell apart.

    At 23, she has no self esteem, no path, and still not willing, or able, to make the choices she needs to make a life. She is so ill, but refuses all help. I truly believes she wants this man to kill her, for him to go to prison, so no one else can be with him. I can think of no other reason for her to continue the cycle. I am having a really tough time processing it all this time. I'm so scared for her, and so shaken myself, that I feel a breaking inside of me.

    I haven't heard from her again this evening. I will wait a few days and see what transpires. I don't think I am able to see her that way again. She is alive. I have to hang onto that.

    It's strikes me that even knowing I always come from a place of love, and her best interest, Am I doing the right thing? Will the 2nd guessing ever go away?

    We could all use some good thoughts and prayers here....especially Sweet Betsy. As always, thank you from the bottom of my heart for those who have been here, guiding and supporting, I am forever grateful.

    Blessings to All,

  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am so sorry for your heartbreak. I have no advice but I want you to know I said a prayer before I typed this and I will say another after I hit "post." God Bless you and May He hold you in the palm of His Hand...

  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Wow...I wish I had words of guys are in my prayers....I can't imagine how your heart must be breaking, but you did the right thing telling her you would meet her at the dv shelter. I will pray that she continues to mull that offer and finally accept it.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You handled the crisis beautifully and wisely. My heart aches for you as it must be almost unbearable. As your CD family member and a rollercoaster rider in a different park I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers. Through all the pain we have to continue hoping that we'll live to see our adult children functioning normally in society.

    On a lighter note I can't believe that your grandson is so grown up. I think of him as a baby, lol. Hugs. DDD
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Won't the police charge him without her? He needs to be in jail. I just don't understand why anyone would stay with an abuser. You did the right thing. If she keeps going back to him there is nothing you can do to help her. You let her know you will be there if she gets help. That is all we can do for our difficult child's. They have to reach out and grab the help.

    I'm so sorry you are hurting.

  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how terrible this is for SB and even worse for you to watch her do this to herself. All you can do is hope she takes the advice and calls a shelter.
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    My heart breaks for you. I am thinking of you tonight and you are in my prayers. I hope that he will be charged without her and will go to prison.
  8. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Mrs.McNear, you have no idea how many times I think about you and Sweet Betsy. I was just talking about you with my husband. I don't know how you hold it together each day. You are a remarkable woman. I will pray for you and your family tonight. God bless your loving heart.
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am so saddened by this troubling news. You did so good telling her to go to a DV shelter. She is caught up in a cycle of abuse and needs help getting out Occupational Therapist (OT) it. The psycology of why abused women stay with their abuser is very complicated. She needs professional help. I will pray that she realizes this and takes your advice. (((HUGS))) -RM
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry to hear this about SB. I also thought that in most places now that the police charged the abuser even without the victim pressing charges if the abuse was obvious. This was done to keep women both safer and to keep them from dropping the charges when men threatened them to withdraw the charges...they cant. I think its awful that the cops havent done that already with SB.

    I can only imagine how hard it is to hear your grandson call another woman mommy.
  11. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I am a Domestic Violence survivor. The best thing any one did for me was to let me talk to them about what was going on. I had to realize for myself that what was happening was abuse. I needed someone to just sit there and listen without offering advice or judgement on me or him. I defended him and what he did to me until I left him.

    I'm sorry you and she are hurting. It is painful to watch. It was hard on my sister to listen to me.
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and many prayers, Julie.
  13. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Dearest Julie,

    I can only imagine the incredible worry and fear you must be overwhelmed with right now.
    You absolutely are doing the Right thing by encouraging SB to seek help from a Domestic Violence shelter.

    I hope you will also reach out for whatever help you need for yourself through this ordeal. Be it counceling or medication...If you feel like you are "breaking" please get help before you end up like I did and have to be hospitalised against your will etc.

    I have said prayers for SB and You...I will continue to pray for this situation.
    I am so sorry your heart is breaking too over Lincoln calling another woman "mommy" but Lincoln will need to know his real mommy loves him as well down the road.
    I did not know my biodad til I was 17. He died last November. I saw him a month before he passed while he was in the hospital. All that I had asked him for was a letter...I never received one. My whole life I never got a card or letter from him...the written word from him. I so would have treasured something on paper along the way that came from his heart.
    Maybe at some point SB can start writing Lincoln...even if it is to give to him down the road when he is older. Just something that lets him know that he was always in SB's heart and that she loved him no matter what.

    I am just so sorry this is happening to you all.
    You are my dearest friend on the internet and I will keep you all close to my heart and in my prayers.
    With love,
  14. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS)))) and prayers heading your way.
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{{Julie, SB, Lincoln}}}} I am so sorry for your aching heart, Julie, and I'm holding you all in my thoughts and prayers.

    I think you did EXACTLY the right thing for your daughter. The truth is, she IS a dv victim and needs the attention at a dv shelter, not only comfort from her mom. You're wonderful, don't ever second guess that! Hugs.
  16. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Like everyone else I am very sorry to read this post. I also think you handled it in a healthy and realistic fashion. I do hope that SB decides life has so much more to offer her if she decides to take that road less travelled and leave this man behind. A DV shelter would be so much help and I will pray she reaches out for their help and support. I don't blame you for not wanting to see her in that state at all. How tragic for her to speak of her love for him. Just a little healthy injected in her life would go a long way to helping her see that none of this is love anymore and love does not hurt a person like this. So many prayers being said for SB and for you.
  17. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Hi there, I remember you sending me pics of Lincoln back when he was a newborn!
    Two things:
    Why She a list of reasons why women stay in abusive relationships. Back when I was still married, Star sent it to me, not this exact one, but one like it. I was married for 32 yrs to an emotionally abusive- not physically abusive man. many of the reasons I stayed are on the list. I did divorce him almost ten yrs ago. My life and the life of my sons got better.
    here is a copy of the list:
    The following list of responses have been compiled by counselors of battered women after asking questions about why she stayed in a violent relationship. (This is a pro-feminist list but many answers can be gender neutral. Note that these responses are in no particular order.)

    1.Economic dependence: “Who will support me and the children?”
    2.Children: “A violent father is still better than no father at all”
    3.Religious and family pressure to keep the family together.
    4.Security: Fear of being alone and unable to cope with the children and home by herself.
    5.Loyalty: “He’s sick. If he had a broken leg or cancer I would stay with him. This is no different.”
    6.Pity: “He is so much worse off than I am.”
    7.Pressure to be nurturing: “If I stay, I can help him get better.”
    8.Fear of his suicide: “He says he’ll kill himself if I leave.”
    9.Denial: “It’s really not so bad.”
    10.Love: “I love him. When he is not abusive he is quite loving and lovable.”
    11.Duty: “I said I’d stay married to him until death do us part.”
    12.Guilt: He says the marital problems are her fault and that she is the cause of his problems. She believes him.
    13.Responsibility: Many people feel it is the wife’s responsibility to keep the marriage together emotionally, and the husband’s responsibility is financial. She believes this too.
    14.Shame, embarrassment, humiliation: “I don’t want anyone to know.”
    15.Identity: Many women think they need a man to feel compete.
    16.Optimism; “Things will get better.”
    17.Low self-esteem: “It must be my fault.” “I must deserve it.” “I’ll never find anyone better.”
    18.Survival: He has threatened to find her if she ever leaves and kill her and the children.
    19.“Learned helplessness”: When she tries unsuccessfully to stop the violence, she comes to believe that changing her situation is not possible. This is reinforced by others who ignore the problem, do not believe it really happened or blame her.
    20.Controlled: Women who are controlled and terrorized by their husbands / boyfriends live with unending fear and stress. Similar to hostages, they become confused, exhausted and lack the energy needed to make changes. They lose their sense of self.

    The other thing is about Lincoln. My grandson's mother is an unfit mother. To her credit, she gave him to me when he was small- as much as she could- while my son was at his worst and in jails/prison. I had my grandson most of the time til he was 5 yrs old. When his dad got out of prison and proved to me that he would be a good dad, I then turned my grandson over to my son. My son went to court and got sole custody with my blessing. My son dated/lived with a gal he met while in grade school and she became stepmother. My son married her in Sept this year. She is a wonderful person to be in my grandson's life. My grandson's mom is still not fit to have him on her own. She neglects his needs. She lets him do dangerous things-one of which led to his arm being severed down to one bone a couple years ago. (he is fine now with a huge scar on his arm). It is good that Lincoln is not with SB and good that his dad let's you be gramma still. That is such a blessing.

    Print the list and give it to SB, tell her that you will be there when she chooses to leave him, or any time she needs to talk. tell her that she is not trapped and that she has choices. It took a lot of people telling me that before I left my ex husband.
  18. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    To someone who has never been through it themselves, it is unfathomable that someone would stay in an abusive relationship. Antsmom's list is a very good one. There are as many different reasons as there women! While it sounds so unreasonable to an outsider, you have to understand what happens when you've been in a relationship like this for years and years. Your self esteem and sense of self worth are completely gone, you start to believe all of the things you've been told for so long, you feel worthless and guilty and you really believe that you deserve the abuse that you have been getting. After a while you don't know which way is up anymore and you're so confused.

    In my own case, I feel guilty now that I couldn't see the obvious and that I let it go on for so long when it was doing so much damage to my children. But for all those years he told me that all the problems in the family were MY fault. And he told me that the kids agreed with him that it was MY fault and he claimed that both of them had already told him that if we ever split up, they wanted to stay with him, not me. And I believed it. I really thought that my only two choices were to either endure life as it was or to lose my children and be completely alone. And I KNEW that I was the loving, caring, stable parent, the one they really needed. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what I was doing that was so wrong but I knew that it must be something really awful! So it's very easy to look at someone in this situation and say, "Why doesn't she leave?" but it's very, very complicated and it's just not that easy.
  19. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am praying for you and SB. I know how terrified I was when Youngest was dating my grandson's father. Part of me wanted her to be able to talk to me, part of me dreaded the stories she told me and was convinced he'd kill her one day. It's a feeling of helplessness like none other, I know. I pray SB can find the strength to go to a DV shelter and begin the process of disentangling herself from him.
  20. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    You have gotten some great thoughts and advice here from some voices of experience. A couple of more thoughts on DV.... first anyone, and I mean anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship. A relationship often does not start out abusive and by the time you realize it is abusive you are already in deep, already love the person and it is complicated and difficult to leave... for both emotional and practical reasons.

    I strongly believe there is a big difference between addiction and DV and yet people often think that the same methods should be used... ie tough love. I don't believe tough love works the same way with DV. The reason being that the abusive partner usually wants to isolate their partner from family and friends and does what they can to accomplish this. So when a family member refuses to have anything to do with their loved one unless they leave the partner they just help accomplish the isolation..... and the more isolated the person becomes the harder it is to leave. It is much much easier to get out of an abusive relationship with the love and support of family and friends.

    This doesn't mean that a family member or friend should not set some limits... or needs to spend time in the company of the abuser... but if they can let their loved one know that they are there, love them and will suppor tthem it truly can help. But remember the abusers goal is to isolate their partner, so doing what you can to foil that goal and give the person who is being abused a sense of love and support can make a huge difference.

    I hope even if your daughter does not reach out to a DV program that you can.... it might be easier for her if she had the name of a specific person to talk to when she is ready.... and for you to get support in the very heartbreaking place of having a child in such a dangerous relationship.

    Did she report the latest beating to the police? If they knew about it and there is evidence they should arrest him... and yes in most states they can prosecute without the victims participation if they have enough evidence.

    It is heartbreaking and i feel for you.