dealing with suicide

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tryingtobestrong, Feb 18, 2018.

  1. tryingtobestrong

    tryingtobestrong New Member

    My son is 23 and live on the west coast. We live in the east. Has a history of anxiety, depression and alcohol abuse. Has been with his girlfriend for over 5 years and during that time he abused alcohol and she tried to get out of the relationship. Each time he manipulated her back. So she moved with him to the west coast and has been there almost 2 years. They have adopted pets together as well. She told me that she plans to leave him in a few weeks and wanted to let me know so I could fly out and be with him because he will be upset. UPSET is not the word. His world is about to crash and I feel horrible because I know. He says he has gave up drinking and is having anxiety attacks but is trying to eat healthier and is going to start walking. She said that it isn't the alcohol but the fact that he doesn't want a wedding or children and that he is selfish.
    I feel lost. I know the outcome of this. His one pet was sick last night and he called me twice saying how he loves his pets and hates to see them sick. The one that was ill is one that she is taking with her. He will be beyond upset. He already feels everything bad happens to him and I can only imagine what this is going to do to him. He will be all alone there trying to make it go with his income. I feel he will give up on life. I am beyond scared.
    We plan on flying out but if he realizes we knew he will just push us away.
    I am scared. Sorry for rambling. This is all I can think about every minute of every day. I feel I should reach out to her and ask her if there is anything that can be done to save the relationship. i fear he will be that distraught he will lose his job plus more. I feel almost 95% sure he will try to take his own life.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Please calm down. You don't know how he will handle this. Please, please don't reach out to girlfriend....she told him she wants a wedding and kids so he knows the problem and she doesn't need or deserve pressure to stay with him out of guilt. It is his issue, not hers. She is a actually making a healthy decision for herself....please don't guilt or beg her.

    Having said that, I can only imagine your fear. But he may do better than you fear. He clearly doesn't want what she does. If you are there you can maybe try to gently encourage him to get psychiatric help and rehab. in my opinion these are what he really needs to start healing. Nobody can heal him but himself. No you can't.

    I hope you decide to get therapy for yourself to learn coping mechanisms and how to handle issues with your son. Wishing you peace, love and light.
  3. Tired mama

    Tired mama Active Member

    That our children threaten suicide is scary but he has not threatened yet. Maybe you could find out online what the hotlines and services are offered there ahead of time so you are prepared. Around here it is by county and there are crisis centers you can call that will go to his home and check on him or talk to him if you have reason to believe he needs that. If not you can call the police to check on him. I agree with somewhere out there about contacting the girlfriend. It is not fair to her and she might be resentful and show it if she stayed.
    He may surprise you and handle it better than you think as well.
  4. tryingtobestrong

    tryingtobestrong New Member

    2 years ago she broke up with him over the phone. He was out there and she at home. He text me his passwords, his wishes, and told me life wasn't worth living without her. He asked me to let him die. I remember vividly the text messages, the words, the fear. I called 911 and they went and checked on him. Admitted him to the hospital and left him go. I guess I am fearing that all over again only worse... because she isn't turning around and coming back this time plus she is taking some of the pets which he adores.
    I know his choices and actions are not good. I know he needs help but he always resists it. I guess my fear is if he did give up drinking and try to change, she still leaves.... he will wonder why he even tried.
    I am just so scared. If he resists, help and we leave... he is all alone to find a place,move out of his apartment, make his way through life. I know... people do it all the time. I need to let go. I need to let him stand on his own. It is hard.
  5. tryingtobestrong

    tryingtobestrong New Member

    Plus the other part I am having a hard time dealing with is that they were saving for a house and he has no clue this is coming.. She said he won't change his views on children so why keep going... how many others at age 23 said they don't want children and then change their minds as they mature?
  6. Tired mama

    Tired mama Active Member

    It IS hard my son is 36 and has threatened suicide many times. I have learned that sometimes it is for effect but am always afraid that one day it won't be. Last time i 302 d him but it didn't work out well. I am slowly learning that i can only do so much. He refuses treatment as well although this time he says he will try. Always hopeful. Anyway i love my son dearly but i can not control what he does. He too was despondent over a girl he has loved since high school. If the hospital released your son they did not feel he was a danger to himself or others. Each case is different each person is different but they deal with this often. You have to do what you are comfortable doing or not doing for your peace of mind. You are a very caring mother and you have done what you could do for your son. If you believe in prayer it has helped me and i believe him sometimes we have to turn things over to a higher authority.
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  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Do notnfeel all is lost. Please. She is not for him. She can't stay just to make you feel better about your son. She is only 23 and doesn't perhaps want a life with such a fragile man. I wouldn't want this for my daughters whether he drinks or doesnt. This is not against your son. He isn't ready for a family. Please leave HER alone. But go to your son if like and warn him. Leave her out of it. But you can tell him. He didn't commit suicide when she left last time. There is a huge difference between a threat and an attempt. Most kids who bring us here talk suicide when things go wrong. But life is not smooth. Not for anyone.

    And please realize that the relationships of our adults is out of our hands. Until your son is capable of a break up without needing his parents, he is not well or mature enough to be a long term partner with a house to anyone. His possible reaction to this would-be worse after a later likely breakup. He needs a hospital if he is suicidal over a breakup. I get your fear..I do...we all do. But it is not good for you or for him for you to involve yourself, as if this were a childhood argument, to guilt this woman. If your son is that unstable the best gifts you can give him are names of psychiatrists to treat and evaluate him. It is up to him to decide to use any to heal. I was not in good mental health at your son's age but I was determined to get better. I did. Your son can too. But it is his call. When I say not in good shape I mean suicidally depressed for YEARS with NO parental help and an abusive husband who also didn't help. Pretty dismal days. I am still here. I got help. I took my medications. I did t use illicit drugs or drink. But I was still a mess inside. So I get it

    I hope things go smoother than you hope. This girl and your son need to be apart but you can blow the whistle on girls plans to try to blunt the blow.

    Love and light.
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    Last edited: Feb 18, 2018
  8. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Our 15 year old son attempted last fall and nearly succeeded.

    The specter of another possible attempt, even years down the road, is always over our family's collective head. Like a ghost.

    There is ultimately nothing we can do for our adolescent or adult children if they are unwilling to take care of themselves.

    We can stop enabling them. That is the one thing we can do. And we can take care of ourselves by looking at our own negative behaviors - obsessive worrying, codependency and so forth.

    Worrying will not change any outcome for either good or bad.
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  9. Baggy Bags

    Baggy Bags Member

    I also live under constant worry that my boy will try to take his life again.
    We can only try to be supportive and love them, let them know they're not alone, send some inspirational quotes...
    but ultimately, we have to accept that we can't be there every second to prevent an attempt.
    I know it's a horrible feeling. ((((hugs))))