Detachment and thanks for this site!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Terryforvols, Apr 17, 2010.

  1. Terryforvols

    Terryforvols Member

    I had been away from here until recently for a couple of years, returned a couple of months or so, posted a little, then have just been checking in from time to time. I have Crohn's disease, which had been gradually starting to flare and 2 weeks ago was diagnosed with a mod/severe flare and am waiting to go on a new injectable medication, Cimzia.

    ANYWAY, while this was going on, difficult child had come back home from TX without our gdaughter because she and hubby were going through horrible times, he was going to divorce her, etc., etc. It was felt by all maybe time away from each other and to allow the baby to resettle would be good, so husband and I had a time limit on how long she could stay, rules, etc.

    Other than being able to say I will love her forever as my daughter, I discovered that REALLY starting to detach from her is so hard, but so necessary. I discovered this time that I don't enjoy being around difficult child. I won't go through what restarted her "difficult child" behavior again, I posted it when I returned a couple of months ago, but because of that behavior, I realize that I may NEVER EVER be able to totally repair this relationship. Coming to terms with that is hard, and even though I feel very sad about it, there is a peace when I can push all that **** out of my life. While here, did she work at all on dealing with legal issues in TX that are probably going to put her in jail -- NO. Yes, she did things around our house that we asked, kept up the laundry, cleaned, etc., but is so in difficult child world it is unbelieveable. She spent a lot of the 3+ weeks trying her best to get pain pills. I am on chronic pain medications, and actually felt guilty while taking them for myself while she was here, even though I was sick. She was constantly trying to manipulate me and wear me down to "just give me one", etc. If she only put that amount of effort into cleaning up her life!!! This child is going to jail, I hope, because that is the only thing we haven't tried yet. She doesn't worry about paying off the thousands she owes in bad checks because I think she thinks husband and I will rescue her at the last minute -- NO, NO, NO!. Even if we wanted to, we can't, we are struggling to hold on to our house. She was very upset with me before she left saying I had been cold to her, and yes, I was totally guarded around her the whole time, but her lying and lying and lying over working and bad checks, then checking out of a paid rehab after 3 days back in Feb has been more than I can handle -- she seems to think that I can just shrug it off. I can't.

    I was so happy to drop her off at the airport, and my mom heart feels so guilty about that. I love her more than life, but I am not willing to lose myself and my marriage going through this again. If she goes to jail, then she will be sheltered and fed and maybe have time to really reflect when there is no one there to rescue her. If not for being able to come to this site and read other struggles and how you make it through, I would feel so isolated. Even though husband and I are on the same page this time, you have to have lived this to know how it feels!

    Just a big thanks to all out there. I have just started down the road to setting real boundaries and detaching from difficult child, and know it is going to get REALLY, REALLY bad, especially when the legal system cracks down, but I can do it and have to do it for myself and my marriage. Healthwise, this behavior will kill me if I don't try to save myself. I may not post much, but you guys are sanity-savers!!
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Detachment is a learning process. And usually when learning to do it you need lots of support because it is hard. Really hard sometimes. It's doesn't mean you don't love her. It means you love her enough to force her to behave like an adult.

    My husband is also a difficult child. His mom saved him for years and years. He'd not pay bills, or write bad checks all over the place and she would give him the money to cover it all. I imagine the amount would be astronomical by now. Her intentions were good. But she didn't help him at all. He felt no guilt taking her money and continuing with his behavior. None. I had to put a stop to it. And it has taken husband years to overcome a lifetime of irresponsibility. The man is 62 yrs old. I made his Mom cut off funds about 10 yrs ago. It's just been the last few years he can manage to get bills paid and such without bouncing checks and robbing from Peter to pay Paul. I had to step out of the financial part of our relationship completely because if I attempted to take over and just do it.....he'd go behind me and make money vanish and I would be the one writing bad checks. ugh

    If she'd make him face the results of his actions from the get go......odds are he'd have worked harder at being responsible long before the age of 50!

    Life lessons are some of the hardest, but for some people it's the only way they ever learn.

    Glad to see you're sticking with detachment. Good for you and husband. :D

  3. Star*

    Star* call 911

    If I had to review all the classes in life that I have EVER taken? Detachment 101 is without a doubt my LEAST favorite but one of the most necessary.

    Hang in there.