New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hi all,
I was hoping to post the good news that one of my wayward daughters was starting to turn around.
Again.
I think this is Tornados 4th go at rehab. She was sounding different on phone calls, excited at the classes she was taking and rediscovering ways to think and react. Writing letters that sounded more like her old self. No expectation for goods delivered. “Mom I need this and that..”Etc. I was cautiously optimistic. Found out yesterday that she left the facility the night before. Sigh. I cried. I am sad and the old worries seep in that if she uses after being clean……could mean the end for her. I’m trying not to go there, erase those thoughts with prayer and remind myself that I can’t want recovery for her more than she wants it for herself. It is a bitter pill to swallow. Loving an addict is extremely painful. Learning to be able to connect (with my guard up, that is) without getting overly attached, and then deal with inevitable relapses, then feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under me once more, well, that’s a tough one. Trying to catch myself and process my emotions. It’s a strange space to be in. I have been at this juncture so many times before. It’s like that feeling of a slip and fall, when you are caught off guard and your body is careening towards the ground and for a split second, everything goes to slow motion before you hit the ground. Except that it’s not slow, it happens really fast and your’e on the ground wondering what the heck happened and know you are going to feel the after affects for the next few days.
Well, as a side note, I did recently fall on one of my mountain workdays, slipped on a hidden branch, left leg went sideways, right leg doubled up under me, tweaked my knee, bent my big toe, slammed my wrist and hand, managed to save my face, but peed myself on impact. Fortunately, I didn’t break any bones, though I am a bit achy, and well, my pride took a whooping.
And so it is, again. An actual physical fall, followed by an emotional dive into sorrow and disappointment from my daughters’ choice. I am hoping that I can recover without too much vexation and visits to the edge of the rabbit hole, but there is that gnawing in my stomach as I try to gather my thoughts, protect my heart, and not travel to the deep end of….this.
Sigh.
I wonder if I should just let go and be a blubbering mess for a few days. But in all honesty, what good would it do? Release the pain, yes, but again to be truthful, I am feeling the scars of living with this reality for so long. As if I am all cried out, you know? Am I fooling myself, have I gone cold? Or, has this played out so many times that it is just, so damn predictable.
Rain is still out there, she showed up a couple of times, a few months back, wanting a shower and clothes. Her hands and feet are dark and red, she said she was diagnosed with a fungal infection in her blood. She refuses to go to the hospital for treatment. Doesn’t want to change her “lifestyle”.
So, I am back to square one of trying to focus on the memories and joy of raising my two wayward daughters, from babes, to realizing they are adults who have made terrible choices that I have absolutely no control over, and giving them back to God. It is too much for me to handle. The sadness, the waste of mind, health, life. (I’m rereading that statement) it applies to me as well, the many times I tried desperately to “help” my two, only to find myself slipping into the quicksand, just stuck in the misery of their choices. It was a waste of my own mind, health and life. Please, Lord watch over them and lead them to their inner light. And me too, please help me to deal with this.
I am blessed with three well children, nine grands and four great grands. So, redirecting my heart and focus on to such blessings will be my goal to cover over the pain of my two daughters unfortunate choices.
Raising my now teenaged granddaughter has been a challenge and joy, watching her blossom into a lovely, strong young teen (she is now 15) has been a beautiful distraction from her mothers’ and aunties’ wayward direction. She has taught me much in the way she has handled the ups, downs and sideways of loving an addict. “Tutu, you just have to let Mom figure it out for herself.”
I’m sure she is hurting in her own way, but has this stoic determination to focus on her own life. Hopefully, she will continue on a good path.
Well, there is my update. I wish I could have written that Tornado was still in rehab and doing well and that Rain is off the streets, but there it is. Black and white. They will have to continue to write their own journey, and I will continue to hope for the best and pray for them.
What will be, will be.
Love to all
Mahalo for following along.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf
I was hoping to post the good news that one of my wayward daughters was starting to turn around.
Again.
I think this is Tornados 4th go at rehab. She was sounding different on phone calls, excited at the classes she was taking and rediscovering ways to think and react. Writing letters that sounded more like her old self. No expectation for goods delivered. “Mom I need this and that..”Etc. I was cautiously optimistic. Found out yesterday that she left the facility the night before. Sigh. I cried. I am sad and the old worries seep in that if she uses after being clean……could mean the end for her. I’m trying not to go there, erase those thoughts with prayer and remind myself that I can’t want recovery for her more than she wants it for herself. It is a bitter pill to swallow. Loving an addict is extremely painful. Learning to be able to connect (with my guard up, that is) without getting overly attached, and then deal with inevitable relapses, then feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under me once more, well, that’s a tough one. Trying to catch myself and process my emotions. It’s a strange space to be in. I have been at this juncture so many times before. It’s like that feeling of a slip and fall, when you are caught off guard and your body is careening towards the ground and for a split second, everything goes to slow motion before you hit the ground. Except that it’s not slow, it happens really fast and your’e on the ground wondering what the heck happened and know you are going to feel the after affects for the next few days.
Well, as a side note, I did recently fall on one of my mountain workdays, slipped on a hidden branch, left leg went sideways, right leg doubled up under me, tweaked my knee, bent my big toe, slammed my wrist and hand, managed to save my face, but peed myself on impact. Fortunately, I didn’t break any bones, though I am a bit achy, and well, my pride took a whooping.
And so it is, again. An actual physical fall, followed by an emotional dive into sorrow and disappointment from my daughters’ choice. I am hoping that I can recover without too much vexation and visits to the edge of the rabbit hole, but there is that gnawing in my stomach as I try to gather my thoughts, protect my heart, and not travel to the deep end of….this.
Sigh.
I wonder if I should just let go and be a blubbering mess for a few days. But in all honesty, what good would it do? Release the pain, yes, but again to be truthful, I am feeling the scars of living with this reality for so long. As if I am all cried out, you know? Am I fooling myself, have I gone cold? Or, has this played out so many times that it is just, so damn predictable.
Rain is still out there, she showed up a couple of times, a few months back, wanting a shower and clothes. Her hands and feet are dark and red, she said she was diagnosed with a fungal infection in her blood. She refuses to go to the hospital for treatment. Doesn’t want to change her “lifestyle”.
So, I am back to square one of trying to focus on the memories and joy of raising my two wayward daughters, from babes, to realizing they are adults who have made terrible choices that I have absolutely no control over, and giving them back to God. It is too much for me to handle. The sadness, the waste of mind, health, life. (I’m rereading that statement) it applies to me as well, the many times I tried desperately to “help” my two, only to find myself slipping into the quicksand, just stuck in the misery of their choices. It was a waste of my own mind, health and life. Please, Lord watch over them and lead them to their inner light. And me too, please help me to deal with this.
I am blessed with three well children, nine grands and four great grands. So, redirecting my heart and focus on to such blessings will be my goal to cover over the pain of my two daughters unfortunate choices.
Raising my now teenaged granddaughter has been a challenge and joy, watching her blossom into a lovely, strong young teen (she is now 15) has been a beautiful distraction from her mothers’ and aunties’ wayward direction. She has taught me much in the way she has handled the ups, downs and sideways of loving an addict. “Tutu, you just have to let Mom figure it out for herself.”
I’m sure she is hurting in her own way, but has this stoic determination to focus on her own life. Hopefully, she will continue on a good path.
Well, there is my update. I wish I could have written that Tornado was still in rehab and doing well and that Rain is off the streets, but there it is. Black and white. They will have to continue to write their own journey, and I will continue to hope for the best and pray for them.
What will be, will be.
Love to all
Mahalo for following along.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf