difficult child 2 is coming home...need advice

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Mom2oddson, Apr 15, 2009.

  1. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    The insurance company has decided that 28 days is all they are paying for even though the rehab counselor says she needs a lot more time. Insurance company thinks outpatient care will be enough.

    So on Tuesday we get to pick up difficult child 2. She's on no medications. So we get to start that business all over. Of course, she thinks she doesn't need any. This should be fun.

    But what I need advice on how to deal with difficult child 2. Do we go on, life as normal? Do we say no cell phone, no computer access? Do we leave her home alone or make her go with us everywhere?

    I've moved all my medications to work and will only carry one in my purse for when I need it.

    husband and I don't know what to do. If difficult child 2 wants to do drugs/alcohol again, she will no matter what we do.

    Any advice?
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    We kept difficult child 1 with us almost entirely until he was 18. It was the only way he wasn't in trouble. He didn't like it, but he was not overly physical about not doing it, otherwise, we'd probably have had to change tactics. If she'll do it, that's probably your best bet.

    He lost his cell phone a lot, too, and I put one of those monitor programs on the computer that logged every keystroke, so I had access to everything he did online. He was pretty normal with his online activities, but we watched him like crazy. It hoovered, but its what kept him out of trouble.

    Hugs. This is no fun.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Absolutely, she gets no privileges until she can earn them. This is not to be vindictive. It is merely a House Rule, and you are The Parent. You are helping her make good choices. You can tell her that.
    Cell phones and computers are powerful motivators.
    Beware: if she takes your credit card, or even cash, she can buy a cheap phone.
    She needs to do her own laundry, keep her curfew, etc. Help her out a bit with-reminders the first few days (assuming it doesn't aggravate her) and then let her fall.
    I suspect she's going to end up back in treatment again.
    I hate it when Ins. companies rule our lives. :(
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    This is terrible! I cannot believe that they are sending her home without any plans in place for her transition back into your home.

    I think the best thing to do is to have a "family meeting"....where you all sit down and hash out what the expectations are as far as house rules, schedules, priviledges, consequences. Make it very clear that you are thrilled to have her home, and everyone wants to get along and have a fresh start, but you will not tolerate any deviation from the rules.

    If she follows the program--great! If not, you are on the phone to psychiatrist, therapist, police, whoever....and have her re-admitted for being out-of-control.

    I'm so sorry you are facing this. Sending (((Hugs))) and cyber-support.

  5. compassion

    compassion Member

    I am also dealing with this. difficult child has been hespilzed for 10 weeks and they are ready to relaae her. She thratned to run and still lacks a lot of coping skills. I fought for 6 weeks but sitll am anxious as she has not been home: we are dong our first overnight with her tonight an dtomorrow night for her 16th birthday. Iam also frustrated as the fudnidng we thought we had for Residential Treatment Center (RTC), they are sayingn she not wualify for.
    I am doin similar house rules: no phone, no computer, watched constantly or back into crisis stabilization unit.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    We too kept Dude by our side every single minute - when he came home from Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s and Group homes. We put locks on EVERY door. WE kept them locked. We locked up the mouse and keyboard and when that got to be a PITA we moved the computer to a locked room and upgraded passwords and security.

    WE hid anything that could be used as a weapon and had all our valuables locked up and boxed up. We put a HUGE 9"x11 1/2" sign that said - LEXINGTON COUNTY SHERIFF's PHONE NUMBER XXX-XXXX on two walls and had it preprogrammed into the phone and told him that should he step outside the lines - WE WERE PREPARED TO CALL. ANd did -

    It was a very ugly and dark time for us all - we upped our therapy from once to twice a week as we ALL wanted to go to the second session and work on our family and parent skills. WE made a date night out of it.

    We allowed Dude SMALL - one time - Here's a watch - it works - it's 12:00 be back by 11:59: 59 or you won't get that bit of freedom for another 2 weeks.

    WE told him we didn't trust him -

    WE told him we had rights to toss his room and confiscate ANYTHING questionable (DUDE didn't do drugs but he had sticky fingers)

    We told him that the house was on a schedule and peaceful and we liked it that way - and #1 IF HE WERE UPSET - he could call a FAMILY meeting. THis is where we all stopped :(within reason) what we were doing and came together in the den and worked whatever problem we had out right then - nothing festered. That seemed to help a lot - and any one of us could call a FAMILY MEETING - everyone got a turn, everyone had to be fair, no yelling, NO cursing, and we would listen to his suggestions but in the end the bottom line? Our house, Our rules. A lot of times it helped to get Dude's feelings on it - or to just let him talk it out and HEAR how dumb what he was doing sounded.

    I would also check with local police and find out what their policies are for taking kids out of the home and to Department of Juvenile Justice if drugs or booze is found. THen I would let your daughter know what WILL happen.

    If you sit down to play a game? You read the rules and directions. Life is no different. You have to know the rules, and the consequences and follow through with them. If she doesn't care? Then she'll have to suffer wherever she ends up at her own doing.

    It wasn't easy for us to let Dude go to Department of Juvenile Justice at 16 either - but it did make a difference, and if he couldn't abide by our rules and societies rules - then Department of Juvenile Justice was a good place for him. Broke my heart - but I'm on the mend.

    I'm surprised that they won't transition her from there to a group home that's less restrictive to see how she does BEFORE she comes home - ask your insurance about foster care....or something like a less restrictive placement. The insurance company seems to THINK she can handle out patient. Have you asked them WHAT THEY will be willing to DO - should she not. (ever hopeful, but realistic)

    Sending huge hugs.
  7. compassion

    compassion Member

    Star, Thanks!!!! The treatment team DID menation theraputic group home or group home but siad they did not thinn kthat was available in our community presently.
    I really am hoping lot so wraparounds with the clear huse rules will work. by the way, abslutley love the you can clal a fmaily meeting anytinme. That is a GREAT idea.
    Yes, I have more insuurance dealing to do. I was told that she could get Medicaid . Our insurance says they do not cover anything outside of acute but you are irght, there is more need. She has beenin Residential Treatment Center (RTC) dince Feb. 9 and we are paying out of pocket.
    It is also a point about putting my energy into the wraparounds but then having the next level of care in place, opitons explored (group homes/therapeutic boarding school/therapeutic group home): this is better than going stroight to inpatient (she will have had 17 weeks since July) when releaed idn May I am counting curent stay as inpaetin, it is acutally a phospital but it is considred Residential Treatment Center (RTC).
    I also LOVED the putting up hte phone nubmer. I was too intimidated to do this before but knwo now that those behaviors cannot be toralted. I have LOVED not having Occupational Therapist (OT) lock up anything the last 2 and a half months!
    I have loved that I have not had to be a pstch aide, cop most of the time.
    I do not feel I can carry a purse or credit cards.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    GET ON MEDICAID NOW - as fast as you can -

    CALL AROUND to therapeutic foster care places, or group homes and get your application in NOW - tell them you have medicaid.

    It will take just about the same amount of time for your daughter to come home and fall apart as it will for you to get approved. That way by the time things DO fall apart? You'll be looking at XX weeks to a bed and not XX months. AND in the event that your daughter DOES do well? Then you can cancel the entire bed/therapy thing and be someone elses savior because there are always kids waiting on a bed.

    You have got to get Medicaid - and/or Katie Beckett waiver (if you make more than the guidelines for medicaid) and you need to start calling places NOW.....we did this the last time and OMG was I EVER thankful.

    Also - it wouldn't hurt for you to start filling out SSI disability paperwork - more funding coming in means better chance at placement.

    (sorry to say)