difficult child 3 is moving out,my mommy heart is hurting but its seems to be the right thing.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Rabbit, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    difficult child 3 is moving out,my mommy heart is hurting but its seems to be the right thing. I will have to co sign and truthfully I am not sure she can swing this financially but she will not listen and wait.She says she can not stand our constant fighting. I want to help her to do it right because I am afraid she will live in a car on in the street if I do not. Also. Now her "boyfriend" from Canada can stay with her when he comes down. Hugs Rabbit
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    please be careful about co-signing. If she doesn't pay, you will owe the entire amount. Is this a month to month?
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Rabbit, are you supporting her move out? Sometimes they bolt out the door to defy any authority, particularly at her age, so if you are not condoning her moving out, perhaps you should reconsider co-signing for anything you are not in agreement with. She is very young and if she is rushing to be an adult and wants to have her own place, it may be prudent for you to allow her to see that it isn't as easy as she may think it is, with credit ratings, first and last, utilities, food, etc. If she is allowed to see for herself, the realities of the grown up world, it may do more for her in the long run rather then you helping her get what she wants now, when she is ill prepared to be an adult. Think hard about how this may be enabling her as opposed to helping her. Your fear that she will end up on the street is your fear for her, not the reality right now. Being an adult and paying rent and all that entails is not all that easy to transition into, so if you make it easy for her, she will think, cool, I can do this, and not appreciate how to really cope with being an adult. Don't make this easy on her because you are afraid, allow her to find out herself..............you will have essentially paid for a love nest for her boyfriend to come to...............if she wants to move out, let her, and also let her find out for herself exactly what that means, on all fronts. It is a life lesson, a natural consequence of her choices, if you step in and save her you may be setting yourself up to continue doing that as she does actually grow up..........think about it, really hard before you step in to help her.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh Rabbit, I wish I could heal that hurting heart. If she has roots maybe it will help her not to run off to Canada? Better he comes here I guess. Too bad you have to co sign, but I can understand wanting her to be safe for sure. Keep us updated.... hug
  5. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    She has 5 thousand dollars saved. It sounds like a great amount but its not . rent and utilities will probably run 1 thousand a month for a one bedroom. She will get only 600 a month from the job she gets now.
    She will have to get a second job to do it. She wants to move in May1 so she will have another 1200 saved. I really do not want her to move out but I am scared. Should I co sign and give her her chance or see if she ends up on the street. Thanks for the responses I Appreciate them !
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2013
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Well, why do you think you need to cosign if she has that much. If it is a credit thing, they may just ask for an extra month's rent as a deposit. Sounds like she will have that much saved. Maybe you wont need to???
  7. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    She has an appointment at the apartment tomorrow. It said online under 21 needs co signers but once she gets there who knows. She is only 19
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh, that makes sense. Darn. Well, who knows....not all nineteen year olds have someone to co sign. If they want a renter maybe????
  9. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    Could/would you be able to pay the rent if she can't? That is the problem with be a co-signer. Good luck whatever you decide.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think there are quite a number of options between you co-signing and her ending up on the street. That way of looking at it really limits your options and scares you. She could rent a room in someones home, that's a lot cheaper. Getting her own apartment is a huge step and the way I am looking at it is that she can't make that big a step without your help and even with two jobs that will stretch her to the max financially and she will have blown all her money too. This is just my way of seeing it, I am not you nor do I know all the ins and outs as you do, but if she wants to move, she is itching for her independence and you are against it, it doesn't sound like a good idea for you to cosign for her. Let her find out all by herself without your interference just what it's like "out there." She doesn't really have a clue. Is she asking you to co-sign for her? Plus, if you co-sign and the whole thing falls apart, the only one who will be learning a lesson is YOU, and you will be losing money too! If she wants to go, she can get a roommate, she can rent a room, she can get two roommates, because really, that's what young folks have to do now a days, because rents are so expensive. I believe this could be a real life lesson for her and give her information and experience which will ultimately be positive. I would say to give her a chance, she may surprise you and find a way herself. If she does great, if she doesn't, she will likely come home with a lot of life experience and a little bit of wisdom. I can say all of that, but I am not her Mom, you are, so you follow your heart but just be careful. Let her fly, see if she grows wings on her own..............hugs..............
  11. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I have to say I wouldn't cosign. She may have a job but who is to say Mr Canada wont come calling and her drop everything to be with him. Then you are left holding the debt. Tell her you will support her by getting her a wonderful housewarming gift when she moves out. You can always determine the size of that gift based off of her level of handling it on her own.

    It sounds like she has a decent amount to put down. Why can't she get a roommate or find a less expensive place? Do you live in a high rent area? Even with a 1 bedroom she could put in twin beds and split the rent. It is no different than having a dorm room at a college. Plus if she has to work to make this happen maybe it will mean more to her.
  12. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    If she'll have $6,000+ saved, she should be able to find a place that will take her without a co-signer. Or if she has to have a co-signer, make her give you the money as a deposit.
  13. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    Thanks everyone for the responses! I'll let u know how it plays out. I really have been begging difficult child 3 to move into the dorm for a while now. She refuses because She does not want a room mate.she truly is a difficult child.
  14. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Who's to say she spends the 6 thousand on rent? That money might be long gone after a few months... I would rethink cosigning. If she knows you'll pay anyway, she may just spend all her money on herself. I don't know her, but I do know what it feels like to be in your shoes. Mine was living in a fantasy world, he didn't make enough money to cover the rent! Plus, whatever money he did have was wasted on stupid trinkets and stuff. We didn't sign.
  15. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Here's my two cents, not as a mother, but as a landlord and property manager in a town with numerous university tenants. WARNING WILL ROBINSON regarding the co-signing of her lease.

    First and foremost, if her salary is $600 a month and the rent and utilities should run around a grand, no landlord will qualify her application regardless of the money she has saved up. We don't care about how much money an applicant has in the bank - that is no guarantee the rent will be paid. What we look for is a prospective tenant's ability to pay the rent, keep the utilities on (a requirement in our lease), and cover their basic living expenses. Let's say we have an applicant like your daughter with a monthly salary of $600 and the rent is $500 -- how can she pay the rent, utilities and pay for personal items like food and transportation? She would not be approved.

    The only way we would approve this applicant is to have a co-signer. A co-signer is legally responsible to fulfill the terms of the lease if the tenant cannot. A co-signer is an applicant as well and has to go through the credit/rental history check as well.

    We have quite a number of students with co-signers. Remember, should your daughter not be able to swing this independent living, you will be required to pay the term of the lease (she lasts for 4 months, you pay the remaining 6 months regardless of whether she is still in the unit and should the landlord file an unlawful detainer and subsequent posession, it will be on both of your records) - I've seen a number of folks totally regret co-signing, especially siblings and friends. Regarding age - legally she is able to enter a contract at 18 - she needs to find a landlord who allows tenants to sign for themselves at 18.

    Be careful..

  16. gsingjane

    gsingjane New Member

    Hi Rabbit! I'm so sorry to hear that things have come to this pass.

    A couple of thoughts I had - first, I wonder to what extent the urge to have a getaway with Mr. Canada is driving all this. I'm amazed, consistently, at how our kids permit their short-term considerations (I want to have privacy to be with my boyfriend) to trump any kind of logic or reality, not to mention long-term considerations.

    Second, it also seems that even if your difficult child somehow figures this all out - works 80 hours a week - talks some landlord into renting to her - how limiting this will be for her future advancement. For at least the next year, she will be locked into working crazy hours, not advancing her education, not moving on with her life, all to be able to afford her own apartment. Not that this should be dispositive, but there are very, very few 19 year olds these days who can afford a place all to themselves. It isn't as if this is "the norm" or something that she should feel comes in due course.

    We are co-signed to our difficult child's student loans. There was no other way he could go to school, but I have to tell you, it will limit our financial options for years to come. When difficult child asked us to guarantee an apartment lease for him, we said no - primarily because we knew he'd walk away on it and leave us holding the bag, with no guilt or compunctions whatsoever. I don't know if your difficult child is as cold and careless as ours, but if she is - watch out!
  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Rabbit, your comment "she refuses to move into a dorm because she doesn't want a roommate" is very telling. That is a childish, selfish comment lacking in common sense and reality. Just because she doesn't want something, doesn't make reality any less real.................as gsingjane mentioned, having your own apartment at 19 is certainly not the norm. I know college graduates who are in a one bedroom apartment with 2-3 kids sharing the space. She really is in a fantasy world and allowing her to find that out will be a very good life lesson and perhaps make her somewhat less entitled-thinking and easier to live with when she understands this will not happen in the way she thinks it will without your help. I've read all the posts and everyone has given you excellent advice, it now sounds like a really BAD idea for you to cosign and I hope you heed that advice. Think clearly about all of it, allow her to find out for herself that just because she wants something and refuses to listen to the truth, her desire will not bend reality and have life offer her up her dreams without her working towards something in an organized, meticulous and financially solvent manner. I also agree with gsingjane that this is probably completely driven by the teenage mindset that now she will have her own apartment once her boyfriend shows up. Be very careful.
  18. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    It would likely be cheaper for her to get a single dorm room than an apartment. Her psychiatrist can write a note to support her request.
  19. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No, no, no!! Do not cosign anything for a difficult child (or anyone for that matter).

    There's the problem right there. She wants adult privileges without adult responsibilities. Adults find their own housing and make compromises if they cannot afford the rent.

    I fully believe that you will end up paying the rent for her and her Canadian boyfriend. If you do agree to this, make her give you the money upfront so you can use it to pay the rent. I'm still afraid that you will be left holding the bag after the money runs out and she can't afford the rent anymore.

  20. buddy

    buddy New Member

    well, the message is clear........

    I can see only one way I'd co-sign... she gives you all of her savings. and a short lease to test the waters.

    still would be a better life lesson if she did it on her own. Ihope you don't need to. Ilivedwith four roommates in a small Apt.... you learn so much!