difficult child and 19 year old - it gets worse!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by daralex, May 20, 2009.

  1. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    You've got to be kidding me!

    So I posted a little while back that 14 yr old difficult child met 19 yr old online and are "dating".

    I took away the internet camera and locked her out of the website they met on. I cannot block 19 yr olds phone number on difficult child's phone, but have been monitoring call log online. Everything was ok - so I thought, but . . .

    IT's BACK!:nonono:

    difficult child breaks down at midnight Sunday hysterically crying and makes me stay up with her till 3am because she is sad because 19 yr old tries to break up with her. (YESSSSS - WHAT?!!) She asks me to sleep on the couch with her (SURE -NO PROBLEM!) as she does not want to be alone.We stay up until 3am (AGAIN - NO PROBLEM - I ONLY HAVE TO WAKE UP FOR WORK AT 5:30AM!!) Last night she comes into my room hysterically crying - same issue. Now I find out her best friend (lives 16 hrs away) is also telling her to forget about 19 yr old and now difficult child is mad at best friend for not "having her back!" and has effectively isolated herself! (difficult child has no friends - she is socially awkward to say the least and we just moved here a year ago and has made NO succesful contact with any life form!)

    19 yr old is no longer planning on moving here ( a plus!) but I cannot monitor every form of communication known to man! :smashcomputer:I cannot monitor text messages, IM's, other online sites, etc. I cannot shut difficult child down on every electronic device we own as it is her only form of socialness (is that a word?).

    I am thinking that difficult child is involved emotionally to the point that I need to let this mess take it's course - wait for her to be heartbroken - and move onto the next dilemma.

    I have tried talking with her to get her to understand this is going no where and that it is still FORBIDDEN. But difficult child is now fixated on this relationship - the more I say/discipline/punish/explain - the more it makes difficult child cling to the 19 yr old. SHE IS ON A MISSION! We are past the point of no return.

    I am so exhausted.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She is gonna find a way to get in contact...somehow. You can put a keylogger on the computer to show everything that goes on. I dont know which is the best one but there are some that show everything. All IM's, all texts, all chats, everything. Maybe at this point it would be better to just know what is going on more than to keep her out of places. I dont know.

    I am in the minority here with the age. I dont see it as that big a deal myself. The first big love of my life...not my first boyfriend...but the first love was 19 when I was 14. I know it was different times but still. It sounds bad now...lol. I was with him for 18 months. I hadnt even thought about him in years till your post....lol.
  3. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    Dammit Janet - when I read your resonse it stopped me in my tracks in a way. The age thing is not really such an issue I guess as they will never meet each other, so it made me question why I am so upset.

    I think maybe it's because I have no control over this and am angry over the fact that difficult child cannot see what a fool she is being.

    It is so plain and clear me - and to difficult child it is something fuzzy.

    Maybe I have to stop trying to "win". I guess I should be thankful that she still comes to me with her problems and tells me what is going on with her at almost age 15.

    So much has gone on here the last few weeks that I don't even know what I should be focusing on any more. If I were an octopus I'd be fine - but I only have 2 hands - they never seem to be enough.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Um.....didn't we tell the 19 year old that if there was further contact you would prosecute?

    What happened to that? If she's called/contacted - whatever - and you know it - and it continues - and you do nothing? You are really setting yourself up for bigger and better "Mom is just threatening she never does what she says" behavior.

    I think one more call to 19 year old from local police should stop it.

    And don't get so upset when this child cries - they all cry. She's making HER problems yours. WALK AWAY and find detachment 101 - somewhere here. lol.....ahem.....yes and I try to do it every day.....:tongue: so that's why I"m telling YOU....lol :laugh:

    but serious on the follow through thing......really.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Seems to me the 19 year old is trying to tell this girl that she isnt wanting to continue the relationship but girl is freaking out about it. Exactly how much control does a 19 year old have over a freaked out 14 year old who wants to reach out through cyberspace anyway. Not a whole heck of a lot. 14 year olds can be pretty computer savvy these days.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    in my opinion the best thing to do (just a suggestion) is to make sure she has a social life right in town. There has to be a support group for young lesbians and I'd take her there. She'll meet other girls like her, and get out of the house. I don't feel that electronic socialization for socially awkward kids is a good idea or safe. Socially clueless kids are the easiest to trick. She NEEDS NEEDS NEEDS to get out of the house in your community and get to know even one other person she can spend time with.

    My son is on the autism spectrum and we even forced him to get out and make friends and he has. He doesn't see them much outside of school, but he knows they are there; that he can call them. I would be terrified if he was socially networking because he is so socially clueless and I'd be scared that some predator would figure this out and do their worst to him, fooling him into thinking "he's my friend."

    There are options beyond text messaging and IMing.
  7. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    Has she gotten involved with LIGALY? My daughter is straight but is involved in the GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) at her HS (we are also on LI). She attended a meeting earlier in the year with GSA groups from all over the island and met many nice kids, she said. Although she doesn't socialize with them in person, primarily because most of them don't live nearby, she does "talk" to them on FaceBook etc. She told me that you wouldn't believe how many gay/bisexual kids there are in school on LI. Even her best friend's sister, who she and I had fantasized would be the perfect girl for my 14 year old son eventually, has come out and announced she is gay.

    Of course, she does also have friends who have come out as gay/lesbian and then switched back. Actually, my own sister announced at her Sweet 16 in the '70's that she was a lesbian and then married a guy a few years later.