difficult child and tough love

[JKF]

When you are trying to change a behavior often the behavior increases dramatically before it changes even if the system you are using to change it will work in the long run. This is called an extinction burst. Trying something for one day and it not working doesn't mean it won't work ever. Behavior is hard to change. Good luck the next few days.

That's so true! And you can't just expect this to work overnight. You have to stick with it and keep at it in order for it to work. Sometimes it takes a while but being consistent and showing that you won't back down works wonders. She will definitely push boundaries and try to break you down but keep saying no and each time you do calmly explain (even if it's for the millionth time!) why she is being punished and what she must do in order to gain her privileges back.

If you give in and let her have this or that and don't follow through she will never "get it" and the behaviors will never change. It's "tough love" but it works. And yes - it's exhausting - sometimes almost a full time job - but you will both come out better in the end if you stay tough!

 

[Californiablonde]

Well the school psychiatric just stopped me in the hallway at work and told me I'm doing the right thing. He told me to be prepared for things to get much worse for awhile. He says she is gonna fight me on this probably for several weeks before she decides to give in. So I am taking his advice and I'm going to hang tough. It is going to be really really hard to deal with difficult child and her crying and begging for the next week, but I am going to do what I gotta do. At least she is going to her dad's this weekend so I will get a little break.

 

[bby31288]

You can do it!!! Can't she technically use an old fashion radio for music? I'm not sure if that considers giving in on your part or not. As far as the physical shaking tell her hands off. In no uncertain terms it will not be tolerated. Great job spelling it out for her. If you have to leave the stuff at work like you suggested. I remember more than once taking phones, keyboards, computer cables etc. also a little secret. If I took her phone and she would look for it when I wasn't around I would hide it in a couch cushion. Where it zippered, I would unzip put the phone in and zip it right up. None of my kids ever found them!! I still use those as hiding places!!!

 

[Californiablonde]

We don't have a radio or stereo in our house. The only way we can listen to our music is in the car or through our cell phones. I told difficult child that she could listen to her radio station in the car this morning on the way to school. Of course school is only about five minutes away. But something is better than nothing. Anyway it wasn't enough to make her happy. But I have to remain strong so wish me luck. Ugh!

 

[InsaneCdn]

A small portable radio is next-to-free at second hand stores.
In fact, one that is battery operated is strongly recommended in case of natural disasters, anyway...
Then, you don't have to take away her "music" just because you took away the technology.

 

[Californiablonde]

What type of second hand stores? Like the goodwill you mean?

 

[InsaneCdn]

yes. or a garage sale.

 

[Californiablonde]

Okay thanks. I think we have a good will next to where I live. I will look there this weekend.

 

[SuZir]

I would be very careful and think ahead how to proceed with this battle. What if he refuses also tomorrow? And Monday and Tuesday? That is very possible. How long her ban from electronics will be then?

My point is, in my experience people in general and teens and kids especially are not very well motivated with rewards far away. I mean, we would very much like to fit a size smaller dress in the end of summer, but that doughnut is calling our name right now. Or we know that keeping our papers orderly and doing something for it during a year is great help in tax time, but... If your daughter is next Tuesday in the situation, there she has lost electronics for example for two weeks and she needs a perfect attendance record to get them back even then. That is eternity to her. And awful lot of work. It is very likely she will interest to even try.

So instead of accumulating a punishment consider something more doable in her point of view? For example demanding five consecutive days of going to school before giving them back. And if she gets them back, but refuses again, demand two days going before giving them back and if she refuses again, go to five days. Doing it that way doesn't really make incentive smaller but bigger, because it is actually doable in her mind.

 

[Californiablonde]

I told her she needs to go to school tomorrow, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday to get her privileges back. The school psychiatric told me if she still refuses to go to school then extend it by another day. difficult child loves her Friday classes so I don't think she is going to put up much of a fight tomorrow. But then there's her Monday and Wednesday classes that she doesn't like that could create the problem. I am just hoping the psychologist is right and she will agree to go after being tired of being denied privileges for so long.

 

[InsaneCdn]

YES BUT but but but but...
While you're at it.
What does she not like about Monday and Wednesday?
What classes are involved? which teachers? why?

because... there may be valid reasons for her to be totally in knots about those classes.
school psychiatric needs to help find out WHY it's those days and those classes that are the worst... and then add more stuff to IEP. Maybe even allow "at school out of class work" in lieu of the worst one, if that helps. The year is almost over, it's more important to get her NOT ANXIOUS about being at school, than about being in any one particular class.

 

[Californiablonde]

Her two toughest classes are English and PE. She has those classes Monday, Wednedays, and Thursdays. She absolutely hates reading and writing. Especially writing. It is her biggest weakness. She has very poor grammar, punctuation and spelling. Plus she complains of her hand hurting. She hates PE because she absolutely detests any type of physical excersise. Right now she is failing PE for always making exuses not to work out by going to the nurse's office, etc, and saying she doesn't feel well. I told her that she if she passes this semester then she only has one more year of PE. I asked her to please just bear with it now so she won't have to take it again in her junior year. But difficult child, like many kids her age, can only see the here and now. So most likely she will be taking PE into her junior year because I don't think she will be able to make up for what she's missed in the next five weeks.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Writing... she needs a doggone scribe... and that needs to be in her IEP. ESPECIALLY for English class, where the volume of writing is high. She dictates, someone else does the writing. Plus, they need to separate out "content" assignments from "writing" assignments. One assignment should NOT cover both - not for a kid with writing problems. If it's "content", then point-form is fine, grammar etc. do not count. If it's "writing", THEN proper form is required.

Given her weight... would her fam doctor agree that she is at risk of injury from participating in standard PE? Can you get that replaced with an "in lieu of" set of X hours of swimming lessons? (yes the school CAN do that.)

 

[InsaneCdn]

OH, and with English? We've even had TEACHERS who would pull difficult child in at lunch, and "re-do" the content-based exam he wrote badly... he'd TELL the teacher the answers. His reading comp is sky high, and he's a thinker. He just can't WRITE it (or even type it).

Get creative, people. If our hick town can do this stuff... yours can too.

 

[Californiablonde]

I don't think her doctor would be on board with that. He thinks she needs to do PE every day plus go running on days she doesn't have that class. He totally blames me for her weight gain. Says I need to force her to excercise more.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Go get a new doctor. I'm SERIOUS. FORCE her to exercise more? Not likely.
And we want her to ENJOY that?

Does your school have an independent-learning type of PE program? Often it's called "performance" or "special" PE. Most of the kids are athletes who don't need more "sport" time, just a good over-all workout. But some are kids with special PE needs. THey can do up a custom PE programme, geared to improving the personal fitness of the student. The rest of the PE classes tend to be sports-based and... they are absolutely the worst possible class for any kid who isn't at least "average".

 

[Californiablonde]

We have an adaptive PE class for special needs kids. difficult child originally wanted that class when she first registered, but her counselor said the class probably wouldn't be appropriate for her. At her last IEP we discussed it again, and the school nurse plus school psychiatric said it wouldn't be a good fit for her. So maybe I should push it? It's mostly for kids with physical disabilities but maybe she would be better off there.

 

[InsaneCdn]

If these are kids with physical disabilities but not cognitive disabilities... I'd say she's better off there. She can assist THEM with their activities while improving her own fitness level... and the class will allow for customizations for HER needs as well. Especially, to be around cognitively normal kids makes them good role models for her... physical special needs are different from cognitive or behavioural special needs!

Can she help out in a class or two and get a feel for the situation?

 

[Californiablonde]

That's a good idea, InsaneCdn. I will ask.

 

[BusynMember]

I don't think her doctor would be on board with that. He thinks she needs to do PE every day plus go running on days she doesn't have that class. He totally blames me for her weight gain. Says I need to force her to excercise more.

Well, I'd think about another doctor before accepting the blame.

First of all, certain medication makes even adults so hungry that in general people on psychotrophic medications gain weight and even those who have never been overweight before (like me) tend to gain on them. What medications does she take? I swear, the SSRI's I've taken have changed my metabolism too.

As far as adaptive gym goes, did they get specific about why it would be bad for her? She has been very sick. After I had mono, my doctor MADE me take adaptive gym for a year and there was nothing strange about it. The kids were normal kids who were recovering from illness and injury. I'm not sure what everyone thinks is so inappropriate.

Kids can be VERY cruel in gym class. Is that happening to your daughter? Is she embarassed to undress in front of the other girls? Showering is the absolute worst if you don't have a beautiful body. Do they make fun of her? I hated showering in front of the other girls, and at the time I was built pretty cute. I still hated it. By junior year I was cutting gym class. I would leave the builidng and take a nearby bus to the beach. To me, gym was torture. Don't let it get to this point with your difficult child.

I would ask questions. Maybe more is going on than you know.