I don't know what to make of this but difficult child suddenly seems to want my advice on her love life. She knows that I do not think much of her current boyfriend (Peter Pan). We have never really even been around him. He got kicked out of the high school I teach at when he was caught with pot and he ended up getting his GED. We had one incident when he showed up drunk in our driveway (drove himself there and then threw up in our driveway and passed out). We called the police and then difficult child since we knew it had to be one of her friends (we didn't know at that point it was a boyfriend). She came and dragged him out of the car and drove away with him before the cops came.
After that, the relationship developed but he never came over here so we really have never met him. This has been going on for eight years now (on and off). I have spoken to him twice on the phone when he called us concerned about difficult child's addiction to Xanax and then another time that he had some concerns. I'll give him props for that but overall I don't think much of him. He is still living with his parents, unemployed, and no desire to get married or settled down.
Tonight difficult child called and wanted to talk about the guy she went out with last night. He has a trust fund and quite a bit of money. So today her took her out shopping and bought her some clothes and a refurbished laptop. She said he keeps telling her how beautiful she is. Alarm bells were ringing in my head as she was telling me all of this. He is just coming on too strong too fast.
So I told her just that and that I didn't think she should be accepting these things. To my surprise, she said that the director had told her the very same thing. I told her that while I didn't know this guy (he's 29 years old), I have read that abusive relationships often start with the guy coming on really strong at the start. I told her that she should slow way down and tell him that she just wants to be friends for a while and that she doesn't want him to keep buying things for her.
I brought up the thing about AA/NA suggesting that people in recovery shouldn't start new relationships for a year. She agreed that some AA/NA groups say that but said that not all of them did. She also said that there were some couples in the meeting that she goes to that met each other at AA meetings and have been together and sober ever since. She said one couple had been married for 30 years.
I also asked her about Peter Pan. She said she had told him that a guy was interested in her and that PeterPan wants to talk to her tomorrow. She said that he really wants her out of the halfway house and asked her to move in with him and his parents. She said that she has a lot of thinking to do.
So I tried to emphasize that what she really needs to do is get a job and an apartment on her own so she could see that she could take care of herself and not need a guy to take care of her. I reminded her that many women are left alone after death or divorce and she should be able to take care of herself in those situations.
She listened to what I said . . . whether it had any effect . . . who knows. She also got a little teary about how husband and easy child are acting. She said that it really hurts that husband doesn't seem to believe her when she tells him that she loves him and that easy child seems to hate her and doesn't want any relationship with her. I told her that they both have been hurt badly by her in the past and that it will take time to rebuild relationships with them.
I'm afraid that she is reaching out for love and acceptance and may end up finding it in the wrong places. She did ask if we would go out for dinner with her and Peter Pan since she wants us to get to know him. I told her that we would but it sure will be awkward to "meet" him after eight years.
~Kathy
After that, the relationship developed but he never came over here so we really have never met him. This has been going on for eight years now (on and off). I have spoken to him twice on the phone when he called us concerned about difficult child's addiction to Xanax and then another time that he had some concerns. I'll give him props for that but overall I don't think much of him. He is still living with his parents, unemployed, and no desire to get married or settled down.
Tonight difficult child called and wanted to talk about the guy she went out with last night. He has a trust fund and quite a bit of money. So today her took her out shopping and bought her some clothes and a refurbished laptop. She said he keeps telling her how beautiful she is. Alarm bells were ringing in my head as she was telling me all of this. He is just coming on too strong too fast.
So I told her just that and that I didn't think she should be accepting these things. To my surprise, she said that the director had told her the very same thing. I told her that while I didn't know this guy (he's 29 years old), I have read that abusive relationships often start with the guy coming on really strong at the start. I told her that she should slow way down and tell him that she just wants to be friends for a while and that she doesn't want him to keep buying things for her.
I brought up the thing about AA/NA suggesting that people in recovery shouldn't start new relationships for a year. She agreed that some AA/NA groups say that but said that not all of them did. She also said that there were some couples in the meeting that she goes to that met each other at AA meetings and have been together and sober ever since. She said one couple had been married for 30 years.
I also asked her about Peter Pan. She said she had told him that a guy was interested in her and that PeterPan wants to talk to her tomorrow. She said that he really wants her out of the halfway house and asked her to move in with him and his parents. She said that she has a lot of thinking to do.
So I tried to emphasize that what she really needs to do is get a job and an apartment on her own so she could see that she could take care of herself and not need a guy to take care of her. I reminded her that many women are left alone after death or divorce and she should be able to take care of herself in those situations.
She listened to what I said . . . whether it had any effect . . . who knows. She also got a little teary about how husband and easy child are acting. She said that it really hurts that husband doesn't seem to believe her when she tells him that she loves him and that easy child seems to hate her and doesn't want any relationship with her. I told her that they both have been hurt badly by her in the past and that it will take time to rebuild relationships with them.
I'm afraid that she is reaching out for love and acceptance and may end up finding it in the wrong places. She did ask if we would go out for dinner with her and Peter Pan since she wants us to get to know him. I told her that we would but it sure will be awkward to "meet" him after eight years.
~Kathy