difficult child called for advice

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Kathy813, Jan 28, 2012.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't know what to make of this but difficult child suddenly seems to want my advice on her love life. She knows that I do not think much of her current boyfriend (Peter Pan). We have never really even been around him. He got kicked out of the high school I teach at when he was caught with pot and he ended up getting his GED. We had one incident when he showed up drunk in our driveway (drove himself there and then threw up in our driveway and passed out). We called the police and then difficult child since we knew it had to be one of her friends (we didn't know at that point it was a boyfriend). She came and dragged him out of the car and drove away with him before the cops came.

    After that, the relationship developed but he never came over here so we really have never met him. This has been going on for eight years now (on and off). I have spoken to him twice on the phone when he called us concerned about difficult child's addiction to Xanax and then another time that he had some concerns. I'll give him props for that but overall I don't think much of him. He is still living with his parents, unemployed, and no desire to get married or settled down.

    Tonight difficult child called and wanted to talk about the guy she went out with last night. He has a trust fund and quite a bit of money. So today her took her out shopping and bought her some clothes and a refurbished laptop. She said he keeps telling her how beautiful she is. Alarm bells were ringing in my head as she was telling me all of this. He is just coming on too strong too fast.

    So I told her just that and that I didn't think she should be accepting these things. To my surprise, she said that the director had told her the very same thing. I told her that while I didn't know this guy (he's 29 years old), I have read that abusive relationships often start with the guy coming on really strong at the start. I told her that she should slow way down and tell him that she just wants to be friends for a while and that she doesn't want him to keep buying things for her.

    I brought up the thing about AA/NA suggesting that people in recovery shouldn't start new relationships for a year. She agreed that some AA/NA groups say that but said that not all of them did. She also said that there were some couples in the meeting that she goes to that met each other at AA meetings and have been together and sober ever since. She said one couple had been married for 30 years.

    I also asked her about Peter Pan. She said she had told him that a guy was interested in her and that PeterPan wants to talk to her tomorrow. She said that he really wants her out of the halfway house and asked her to move in with him and his parents. She said that she has a lot of thinking to do.

    So I tried to emphasize that what she really needs to do is get a job and an apartment on her own so she could see that she could take care of herself and not need a guy to take care of her. I reminded her that many women are left alone after death or divorce and she should be able to take care of herself in those situations.

    She listened to what I said . . . whether it had any effect . . . who knows. She also got a little teary about how husband and easy child are acting. She said that it really hurts that husband doesn't seem to believe her when she tells him that she loves him and that easy child seems to hate her and doesn't want any relationship with her. I told her that they both have been hurt badly by her in the past and that it will take time to rebuild relationships with them.

    I'm afraid that she is reaching out for love and acceptance and may end up finding it in the wrong places. She did ask if we would go out for dinner with her and Peter Pan since she wants us to get to know him. I told her that we would but it sure will be awkward to "meet" him after eight years.

  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Praying for a positive outcome.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Whoa. You handled it well as always, Kathy. As I read your post alarms started going off all over the place. Hard to believe that she accepted those gifts from a stranger. Does she understand that if addicts speak they lie?? His "trust fund" is likely the stashed results of his illegal activities...and she isn't suspect? Yikes.

    I'm going to get a cuppa. Your difficult child has my senses pumped this morning. Sending hugs. by the way, Peter Pan "may" be like difficult child#1 and basically a nice guy who hasn't taken the step to independence. At least I'm sure he doesn't have a suitcase full of money in his parents house. Geez. DDD
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a change Kathy. The fact that she is calling you for advice is a huge step forward. I had to laugh at her response about how some AA/NA meetings saying not to get into a relationship for a year and some do not. It's not the AA meetings that say that, it's the recovery world, the rehab counselors, those that understand how you are not ready for a relationship until you put your own house in order. But just like I said previously, that doesn't work for our difficult children who need the attention of men to feel good. I wish it wasn't so but it is for mine anyway. In rehab she was told to stay away from all men for at least a year and she paid lip service to that only to take every opportunity she could to find a guy. I have long given up on that argument with her and just hope that she gets tired of them before the relationship causes any real harm.

    I think you gave her good advice about not jumping into anything with this guy and being wary of the fact that he is buying her gifts so soon, that does present big red flags. difficult child has met several gys who wanted her to move in with them a couple weeks after meeting them, That's insane, she was ready tomove in with a guy she had met a week previously, until he punched her in the stomach because she was drunk and talkign to another guy. He told me that he now owned my difficult child and my husband had to call him and remind him that he just admitted to a felony and since husband was an attorney we would be seeing him in court shortly.

    I have had to learn to try and take a back seat when it comes to difficult child and guys and have a conversation with her instead of preaching to her. I think you did a wonderful job explaining your concerns and meeting her part way by agreeing to meet this boyfriend that you really don't like. It wouldl bevery hard for me to do that but I would rather he know she has a family that loves and supports her so he doesn't think he can do whatever he wants and you won't care.

    Your difficult child is making progress every day. Hopefully yours and mine will some day realize they are strong enough to make it without some loser guy in the picture.

  5. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Good job Kathy. I agree with all you said.(This new guy sounds spooky) It would hard to be her age and want to have love..to be noticed and cared for. It is the very thing they are not ready for, and do not attract the right men when they are in recovery. Does she have any girlfriends? Sometimes a really good friend can help. I think it says a lot that she is reaching out to you.
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Glad she asked for your advice and hope she takes it. Taking gifts from a stranger.... oh my!
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, she has a very close girl friend that used to be a difficult child but has completely turned around. She has been telling difficult child it was time to move on from Peter Pan but I don't think she would like this guy either.

    Just to clarify . . . he isn't a total stranger that she just met. He has been living at the halfway house for a month now and she had gotten to know him and they go to meetings together.

    He has become interested in her romantically and they went on their first "date" Friday night. It was on Saturday that he took her shopping. She did agree that it might have been too fast for him to buy her things. I hope she is telling him to slow down for now.

    Sadly, though, it was his phone that she called from a little while ago to ask us to pay her MetroPCS bill since her phone was turned off.

    I think that after 8 years of being taken for granted by Peter Pan, she is thrilled that someone is calling her beautiful and wants to buy her nice things. I understand why this is appealing to her. I just don't think it is the right time and the right guy.

  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yep Kathy, our difficult children fall for any guy who talks sweet to them. It's always been a problem and I have talked about it with difficult child but to no avail.

  9. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    You handled the conversation with your difficult child perfectly, Kathy. Your daughter is lucky to have a mom who she can talk to, even if these talks are uncomfortable at times. It sounds like she values your opinion, and at least she is willing to listen to your comments. Sending good wishes to you...
  10. Irishangel

    Irishangel New Member

    This. Definitely this. Being able to support yourself is a HUGE step in recovery. Great advice.
  11. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Kathy, Your advice to your daughter in the above caption reminds me of what my mother has said to me for yrs about taking care of myself, having my own job, not being so dependent on husband.

    You are a wise mamma.
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    On humorous moment during the conversation was when difficult child and I were talking about her best friend who is a reformed difficult child. difficult child was talking how much the friend had changed and said, "Mom, XXX is sounding just like you."

    I told her that I would take that as a compliment.:bigsmile:

  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Cute story, Kathy. Sometimes I hope that our messags over the years have accumulated in their thick skulls and will eventually ring a bell. Her comment is encouraging. by the way when I responded to her new date I somehow had in my head that he was a "new" addiction to her life and that made the picture scarier. I tend to "scan read" and as a result I miss part of the picture now and then. Fingers crossed that she is taking valuable steps forward. DDD