difficult child has me exhausted watching him

[wolonfab]

...I know its been a while but at the end of the day i just want to crash. BUT I am not sleeping... the last thing i feel like is rehashing my days..... until now.......

apart from trying to slice his wrists with bits of broken plastic difficult child has also worked out you can choke urself with a phone cord difficult child has tried doing this to self and sister...we have been seeing the paed phsyc weekly and he acts like a perfect angel with her...I could scream....He refuses to tell her what his dreams are like cause he says she will hate him ...... He has decided that whenever he gets cut he likes to drink the blood cause it tastes good and will cry if i wont let him drink mine when i am hurt......

He not only threw a brick at his sister the other day and got her across the lower back he then knocked her down the stairs(4) and threw a shovel after her which copped her again across the back... he has been knocking her around all week


He is upset that he cant fly and has been to tears over this....difficult child has been escaping the yard and going off to play without me knowing ....The school has finally seen the behaviour and i was asked to get him to stop calling the class F----ing ar--h-les...when i spoke to difficult child he said he only thought it in his head and never said it aloud ...he told me the kids are all out to get him...according to the teacher he was on the floor making noises and wouldn't do a thing she asked him and then he just started swearing at everyone......

He covered my car inside and out with mud after i cleaned it... threw mud all over my house.... has been dreaming of me slicing both his arms (just one of many dreams lately) ....he has told me when our house burns down he wants to save his marbles and then decided he would take them to nannas for safe keeping.....He has thrown every toy miss 2 has into the water batteries and all.....

he has decided he cant handle being like everyone else so is growing his hair to his waist and finger nails long. (not sure if he gets that he is a boy)..he also wants me to die his hair green...he has been talking in third person telling himself off and yelling at himself on occasion......I am sure he is two persons in one as one day he is the best kid in the world and doesn't hit me or swear at me and the next i have a monster come and stay..... He stood in his sisters room this morning and hit her roof light till it stopped working.....

I am due to see the phsyc this coming week to discuss what she thinks i need to do to keep him in line at home...... Like i can get him to do anything without him deciding to hurt himself..... I am exhausted dealing with him...I called to get respite care (so far cant find anyone in my neighborhood)and am scared of going thru with it incase he kills himself or someone else while off there...and then i will feel like the worst mum in the world......

He is so rough with his sister and i know if he hurts her badly i will find it hard to deal with He is un-medicated right now and i am trying so hard to get thru but i think i am gonna have to go get medicated soon just to get thru a weekend.....He started swimming 2 weeks ago and i have been told to get him to loosen up...what the?? (he was kicking the other kids under the water from wk 1).....

 

[SRL]

I'm sorry to hear things haven't improved even with the extra intervention.

Wolonfob, just trying to get through isn't going to get anyone anywhere--not you, difficult child, or little easy child. Did you push for pediatric inpatient as we urged the last time things flared up? 24/7 observation would be far better in terms of them being able to see what's up as compared to a one hour appointment once a week. Plus since medications are probably inevitable and he's reacted so violently in the past the hospital would be the safest place for him.

We've probably mentioned this before but a video camera set up to record the action will be far more convincing to the doctors. Borrow or rent one if you don't have one.

 

[kris]

as i read your post all i could think of is *why isn't this child in hospital? why hasn't the school requested transport to hospital when he acts like this? why hasn't the psychiatrist ordered him into hospital??

he's violent, he seems to be disassociating &/or hallucinating. does psychiatrist not believe what you are telling her about him?

buy, rent or borrow a video camera so you can document his behaviors. when he is violent call 911 & request transport to hospital for a mentally ill child who is violent & out of control(important you state clearly he is mentally ill as it impacts their response).

are you also keeping a paper trail of his behaviors, calls from school....documentation is critical. have you done a Parent Report: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/parent-report-updated.225/

i'm sorry he's so out of control & i'm even sorrier that you are having such a hard time getting him concrete help.

kris

 

[Marguerite]

I'm copying this to my daughter to see if she can answer the question, "Why isn't he in hospital?" I'm afraid there may be two possible answers, concurrent:

1) This is Australia, folks. They don't put kids in hospital lightly. I agree, it's where he should be but we have a health system currently in crisis. Plus, he's an angel for the psychiatric people so they're not seeing how bad it is. They have to take the mother's word for it. Which brings us to

2) Paula, you're a single mum trying to cope and clearly you're stressed, you're uptight, you're constantly tense and definitely not coping (hey, I wonder why? ;}). This is what THEY see and they don't see the chicken/egg scenario. It's easier to assume it's the single mother who's not coping, rather than a child needing hospitalisation. After all, if they hospitalise the child without good cause (in hindsight) then they're in BIG trouble with HIC (Health Insurance Commission) for overservicing.

I was talking to another single mother tonight, who has had HUGE problems with her daughter, who has only JUST been diagnosed, after at least four years of looking for answers, with the worst form of juvenile sleep apnoea that the doctor has seen. This kid could DIE and it's taken them years, because it was easier to assume it was bad parenting. In four years of school this kid has attended barely a single term in total, because her mother simply can't wake her. So they have dealt with it by calling in the truant officer. This isn't truancy, it's medical. And after four years the doctors are finally panicking and no longer blaming the mother for being a single, working-class parent. The mother plans to write a book on it. I said she should get input from other mothers in a similar situation. This is wrong and happens far too often.

Paula, I really don't know what you can do other than what you ARE doing. If you could get a camera to record any of this it would be very helpful, but I don't know if you could manage this with his destructiveness. He's also very smart. Even a tape recorder would be something. Can you ring and leave a message on the doctor's phone if he is raging, or saying weird things?

I'm going to make enquiries and see if any others IN AUSTRALIA can tell me what you can do to get the help you need. I know they referred you elsewhere but have you rung Westmead to ask their advice? If you ring while you have interesting sound effects in the background it might help. At least they are better equipped for inpatient assessment in an emergency.

Getting some sort of record of what is happening SHOULD result in a hospital stay, in my opinion, but I really don't know. This is appalling. But your situation has been appalling for ages already.

I'll ask around and get back to you.

Marg

 

[TerryJ2]

Wow. Ouch.
I would be exhausted, too.
WHEN is your appointment? Not soon enough, in my humble opinion.
Poor kid, poor you.
{cyber hugs}

Marg has some really good points. Way To Go!

 

[SRL]

A video of him threatening serious bodily harm to himself and sister would get the attention of most health care professionals. Their liability for ignoring it would be HUGE.

Wolonfob, have you requested inpatient hospitalization? Are you keeping a daily journal of behaviors including threats, rages, and hallucinations?

 

[Alisonlg]

Wow, hun. I am so very sorry. I look at my situation and my son who *IS* in the psychiatric hospital and he is not nearly as dangerous and threatening as yours and I feel for you, I really do. And most of us are over here in the US and thinking why on earth is your son not at an inpatient facility, but we're here in the US, and like Marg said, we're not in AU.

I truly hope you can find a way around the system soon so that someone can hear your (his) cries for help.

What if you set up some inexpensive web cams around the house and broadcast them all day long? I bet you'd get a heck of a lot of Media attention and BOY would *THAT* get your son some Medical help fast or what!?!?! Just a thought! Radical? Maybe. But, it's cheap and I'd be willing to bet it would work!

 

[TerryJ2]

Good idea, SRL.

 

[wolonfab]

Hi all.... The problem is i have tried to video it and difficult child is very smart...he knows and he will put on a show of the easy child..... I tried a tape recording one day but it doesn't get as much attention as they cant tell what is going on ...maybe i am pinching him in their minds......

Marg is right re our health system...they don't put them in for obs unless they are bad...i mean after he slit his wrist after Christmas they sent him home.... he was there for 1.5 hours just enough to stuck it together as they refused to try and sew it....(a mess it was and they would have to operate and take alot of skin away)... i am sure no girls parents are ever gonna let him near their girls...his arm looks awfully scared but he thinks it the most beautiful thing in the world

i rang westmead children's (our teaching hospital) after being sent home from local and was advised that my best option is to wait till he is really bad and then take him in to my local and beg for help but she said he has to be really bad and again for being autistic he is bloody brilliant at play acting sane and perfect.... Westmead wont touch him even as an out patient for more assessment.... He has been seeing the mental health phsyc now for 5 weeks x 40 mins at a time... they play and draw but she said he is very good for her.... Thus why she wants me observed to see what i am doing the wrong way at home....

she made a appointment for me to chat but we have had to wait for 3 weeks as she only works 2.5 days a week..... So i am due in next Thurs... she said if it gets too hard she might be able to fit me in earlier..I said to her whats too hard? i said i have to deal with this every day.. I don't know where else to bash my head and stamp my feet...... I guess i just needed a vent....I know you guys can only offer support and understanding but i think if i had of followed my ex (hes American) back to the USA we might have had an easier time getting help.....but then again alot of you are having just as hard a time as us.....

I just keep believing it will get better...and i stay away from the church people i know who say he just needs an exorcism..... and that i don't pray enough over him at night.....

on that note I'll chat later

 

[Marguerite]

Paula, I was fairly sure your church would be suggesting that sort of thing. If only it was that easy. But it isn't. They always have a reason for why he continues to be a problem, and generally that reason will come back to, "it's the mother's fault, she's not praying hard enough/hasn't got enough faith/is wearing the wrong colour shirt/whatever we can think of to let us off the hook for failing to heal him with prayer." The trouble is, this is severely limiting your asking your own family for support.

Ring the therapist and ask for an urgent appointment. Give her a description and tell her, "it's too hard." Also ask her how she is ever going to see his true colours when he is so good at hiding them, for the short session times she sees him? And she also sees him in a one to one situation with no distractions, low stress environment and he is the centre of attention. Next session, tell her you want to be present, along with easy child, and you want to be the one talking to her (about anything BUT difficult child - talk about diet options, maybe, or talk about easy child and how she is coping) until difficult child fires off with his usual behaviour. Because this change, especially with him not being at the centre of attention, should tip things over sufficiently for her to see what you're dealing with.

I'm hoping to have more chance to do some digging for you tomorrow - ironically, I couldn't today because we spent the whole day sitting around the hospital! Crazy, but there was nobody appropriate that I could ask and I couldn't leave easy child 2/difficult child 2 anyway. I also still haven't had a chance to talk to easy child yet, although I did email a general request for information and also emailed a link to this thread. easy child is my 'mole' in the health system.

But SRL has a couple of good ideas - the biggest one being the mention of health professionals' liability of they do nothing despite your desperate pleas for help. This is a really hot topic right now, PLUS we have election fever. It's more of a Federal issue anyway, and from memory your area is close enough to be swinging in the next election, especially the way the polls are going. Ring up your local Federal MP and ask them how desperate you have to be before your son, who is a danger to himself, to you and to his little sister, can get the help he so desperately needs. Point out that if you don't get help before he does more damage (and he's already ripped his arm open, out of sheer curiosity and morbid fascination with blood and wounds) then SOMEONE official is going to be liable and the media will have a field day with it. Your son already has 'form', so this isn't a mother crying wolf. He's already done this once, requiring hospital treatment. Does he have to rip open his other arm too? Or his baby sister's? If you push the panic button politically, they may put the pressure on the medical system for you sufficiently to get the hospitalisation he desperately needs. I know it can be done - you just need someone sufficiently high up to order it.

As I said, I'll keep asking questions too, find out what hoops you have to jump through.

Marg

 

[Marguerite]

Hi Paula, I'm back (briefly).

Here is SOME info to get started. You may already have tried some of these avenues. I'm still waiting for easy child to get back to me, so I rang a mob called SANE Mental Illness Helpline on 1800 18 7263 (and, as usual when you say "this isn't for me, it's for a friend," you get, "uh-huh, sure it is." I had to smile at that).
This mob mostly deals with adult patients but made a couple of suggestions.
First, if he's violent or raging, and you're fearing for his safety or yours or your daughters, you CAN ring the ambulance and/or the police.
On the subject of hospitalisation - the person I spoke to said they would only hold him in hospital for a few days at most. Definitely no more. Regardless, apparently.
The woman I spoke to made two more suggestions - one, if you want to try to force some sort of medical intervention that doesn't seem to be happening and you're feeling desperate, then if the medical route isn't working maybe a legal route would, so try Legal Aid on 9219 5000. Maybe someone there can advise you (or act on your behalf for free) to force some sort of intervention by the system which currently is failing you.

And second, for you - she suggested you contact Carers NSW to get some sort of support for you as a carer. Their number - 1800 242 636. They may be able to give you some other contact numbers for some much-needed intervention or help, or just a cup of tea and a good lie down.

And just a note to let you know - we have a new member, from Sydney. She's posted on General, sounds like she'd had similar problems with schools to you. At this rate we'll be able to start our own CD support group!

Marg

 

[wolonfab]

Hi again..

marg thanks for that...I called the paed phsyc this morning and told her about the violence, the weird behaviour etc this week alone...I have a daughter with a black eye today after the wood incident and finger size bruising over her abdomen...so i am photo happy (well not happy)..... best to have proof you all say.....

In re to the phsyc...she has finally admitted he has not in her opinion got either aspergers or autism..... doesnt fit with the way he acts with her or at home.....she also told me she doesnt feel he is physcotic...what the? i didnt know we were even looking there..... she has said she is now taking over all care for him and he will be seeing her weekly for a while it seems....

she has reported him to Docs as to access the early intervention program and has been calling the school to speak to the counsellor who so far hasnt got back to her at all......she has asked me to make my diary entire more in depth,...she now needs what happens b4 he goes off, how i deal with it and what happens after......she says we have to find his triggers...if i knew what they were or if he had one i am sure i would be right there changing it......but right now anything will be given a go

I am sure though that she wouldn't take on a kid just cause ..... they didnt take him earlier on cause it wasnt under mental health when they though he was autistic but now he is under them as primary care .... me smells a diagnosis coming on...please please the right one............or why see him weekly...she is also organising for me to have more appointments

I told her i just want to know if this is my parenting thats screwing him up or if he has a health issue.....now that autism is out i am at a loss as to what they will be looking at......carers nsw woont touch us..... he was with our local part and they said he was too hard to deal with... i worry that if he goes anywhere he may hurt or kill someone or himself....

good to know theres another member down under...hang on what am i saying i should be wishing for less so no one has to go thru this stuff.......

 

[Marguerite]

It's good new that the psychiatric is finally seeing that the problem is beyond previous diagnosis description. The autism was a label that plugged you in to some help, but I agree with you, it no longer comes close to describing what you're seeing. Or, there could be something else as well, although he seems too capable in some ways for even an Asperger's label. But time and some more expert assessment (particularly once a lot of the current problems are explained and under control - let's hope!) may give a much more accurate diagnosis.
Sounds like that's much closer now. Good news.

Carers NSW - they may not be able to help in practical ways (sounds like they can't help with respite) but I WAS hoping they would at least advise you on various courses of action. And when the kids are older, there is support there for easy child as well.

The counsellor's failure to get back to the psychiatrist - it is going to make the school look VERY bad. I've recently heard of bad things in a similar way from an unknown school in your area - I'm wondering if it's the same one. No way of knowing right now. I'd hate to think this sort of treatment of kids is endemic.

Get busy taking the photos, it's a vital thing to do. We do the same with difficult child 3, even if it's a no fault situation - when he had a tick in the corner of his eye and his eye area became really dark and swollen, we took photos so if anyone accused us of giving him a black eye we could show them the photo and point to the tick. When he got attacked in the street by a younger kid going to the same school - we photographed his injuries. We never needed to do anything more with them, but maybe they'll go into the book I'm writing!

Do let us know how you get on with the extra psychiatric appointments.

Marg