difficult child husbands

[rejectedmom]

GEEZ, sometimes I really wonder how I cope. I spent four days cleaning, repairing and rewireing an antique chandelier for my living room. It looks gorgeous but it was a real project. I was glad to have finished as it had to be totally dismantled to rewire. Very tedious work. Well I left plenty of wire for husband to hook it into the current. In one of his typical hasty decisions, he cut the wire and made it too short and now it doesn't work. To top it off when I asked him why he did that instead of just winding the extra wire into the canopy he yelled at me and told me to go upstairs! :nonono: He can be so disrespectful when he is frustrated. I am spitting nails right now! -RM

 

[needabreak]

i would be to .sorry you did all that work and it does not work.i found that most men do not like to be told how to do things.and to tell you to go up stairs like a child i would be upset.i used to have a guy like that,he always talked to me as if i were a child.and when i had the kids i opened my eyes cause he constally put me domn in front of them
sorry im rambling.is there any way that it can be fixed so it could still work i hate to see all that work gone to waste

 

[ScentofCedar]

He probably feels pretty stupid. Especially when you have been able to restore and rewire it without his assistance.

How are you going to respond to what has happened?

You DIDN'T go upstairs, did you?!?

Barbara

 

[rejectedmom]

Yeah, I did go upstairs and posted here LOL. I have my grandson's birthday later today. I don't want to get all worked up. I am sure husband does feel stupid. I often wish I would win a lottery so I wouldn't be in need of him at all. 36 years of marriage and being a stay at home mom and now having so many health problems I can't work full time keeps me here. There are advantages to staying married to him but emotional support isn't one of them.

 

[ScentofCedar]

I feel that way alot too, RM.

More and more, I am losing faith in my husband. With everything we have been through, I expect more from him than I am getting now, when there is no reason for the short temper, or for being locked in to any particular routine.

I know what you mean about the grandchild's birthday.

Sometimes though, I would rather go away with my grandchildren for their birthdays instead of trying to do them at home, anymore. I am tired of justifying my efforts or defending those things that give me joy to my husband.

Know what I mean?

Barbara

 

[Sue C]

Your being told to go upstairs is like when my husband tells Melissa and me to BOTH stop fighting. I don't like it! And I know you did not like it, either.

The longer I've lived with my husband, the more I realize he is ADHD. I've told him that a few times, but he got mad at me!

Sue

 

[rejectedmom]

Barb, My husband doesn't keep me from doing things I enjoy. He used to years ago but I reached a point where I didn't stand for it anymore. I learned not to rely on him for emotional support and have found other ways of getting that. He is a very hurt person having been raised by a mentally ill mother and an avoidant father. He is an avoidant personality like his dad and hates any uncomfortable feelings. He either pushes them away or if he can't gets angry. He is progressing in allowing himself to feel things but he is so unevolved in that area compared to me. We used to get along beautifully because I was such a co-dependant.
Since I have recovered from that we do not get along as well. He needs to catch up and I have realized that he probably never will. I accept that. There are still good times. But that doesn't mean that I don't long for a more complete relationship.
I would never act on that longing though without divorcing husband first.

Sue, my husband is diagnosis ADHD. He is very very succesful though. He earned a PHD, is published and worked with various government agencies and private companies as a consultant for years. He is now working for the US government. He knows his strenghts and weaknesses and delegates out the things he is not good at to others. But at home he doesn't do as well since I demand a democracy and he would prefer to be KING.

 

[Suz]

But at home he doesn't do as well since I demand a democracy and he would prefer to be KING.

What a great comment, RM.

You keep on demanding a democracy!

Suz

 

[flutterbee]

Since he told you to go upstairs like a child, did you at least stomp and slam the door?

He screwed up and is taking his frustration out on you. How annoying. Just know that we have your back, hon.

 

[timer lady]

RM,

I'm sorry that husband treated you with such disrespect. I'm sure he felt stupid about cutting the wire too short.

I've learned over the years to walk away before my husband can even open his mouth to blurt out something he will regret. (I can see it in his face. Do I know my husband or what?) It's simply not worth it. And when he does, I demand an apology. Maybe not right away but before the end of the day.

Plus, I've learned that many times, it isn't about me. When husband goes to hide in his office, I know he'll come back to me after a bit. Generally, he's working something out in his mind.

I hope your husband at least apologized.

 

[amy4129]

RM-
You should be proud of what you accomplished and if he wasn't shame on him. He goofed up bad and needs to apologize before the king gets dethroned! Hugs.
Amy

 

[rejectedmom]

Thanks all. husband did not apologize but he did manage to fix his mistake and the chandelier is up and working and looking just as pretty as can be. He was fine after that. Offered to bring the car to me instead of me having to walk across the ice mounds and the street. That is his way of apoligizing. I have to really demand it most times before I will get a verbal apology from him. Today I just didn't want to work for one. So I came here where I knew I would get a boost up from my friends. -RM

 

[Marguerite]

Sometimes it's just not worth demanding an apology. When you KNOW that a certain gesture is his form of apology, then at least you know THAT is genuine, even if it's short on the words you would like.

I know I'm lucky. I do have a difficult child husband, but he is aware of it. We can talk about it, even if I sometimes have to wait until we have some time to ourselves. Getting angry with him is like getting angry with myself - sometimes I do, but it's like banging your head against a wall when you know you've goofed. Futile. Much better to calm down and get on with what has to be done.

In our case a lot of what makes husband a difficult child is Asperger's, we're fairly sure. This has its good points - he's incredibly loyal, he is scrupulous about following rules and the law, he is extremely consistent. On the drawbacks - he can't cope with too much change or stress, he does get tired fairly easily and when he is stressed and tired he doesn't cope anywhere near as well.
But he knows it. That's the thing.

Yeah, he's SNAFUd at times and yelled, but we deal with it until we can laugh about it (sometimes THAT takes years). As he just said (yeah, he's looking over my shoulder) - "I do realise straight away when I've b***ered up, but it takes me time to be able to say so and sound like I mean it."

Keeping everybody's stress levels down - my aim in life.

Marg

 

[rejectedmom]

Marg, My 25 year old son is probably an undx Aspie. He cannot handle change easily. He has his routines that sometimes make no real logical sence to the rest of us. He gets real grumpy when things go badly for him. Misreads many social situations and casual comments. He has a hard time letting percieved slights go. He cannot compartmentalize his feelings. If he is angry with one thing or person he seeths. He'll have a real attitude with everyone. It is very hard to live with at times and causes a tremendous amount of stress on me. Like you I try to keep everyone's stress levels down but it doesn't come back to me. What I mean is that I don't have anybody but myself trying to keep my stress leves down. Sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming. In the nice weather I go outside or go to our vacation home for a couple of days but when the weather is bad or I cannot get away it builds up and takes a toll on my health. How do you manage it? -RM

 

[DazedandConfused]

I'm absolutely gobbsmacked that a husband would tell his wife to
"go upstairs" as if she were a child and then the wife actually does it.

Wow.

That would be nothing short of a declaration of war from my point of view. There are simply things I will not "keep the peace" over. That would be one of them. Unexcusable.